my name is clay, iām twenty, and i go by he/him!
i post abt an american werewolf in london, re-animator, and like anything else i like teehee! huuuuge talking heads fan and dbd freak. you should check out my ao3 too cause i think itās kewl įµĢ
check out my strawpage for more! always looking for mutuals too :3 i've also got a letterboxd!
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sharing the beautiful selfship art i commissioned from @petroleum_art on instagram! i am mainly sharing so people can see how beautifully they drew andrew and the background ššš itās so gorgeous i love this piece so muchā¦
i love you jett2paris you are my babies and you both will die together amenā¦.lord let me ramble about my selfship to the world please š
i donāt feel as though i have to state this but i am paranoid and worried but please donāt steal or use thisā¦.mainly andrew š
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guhhhhhhhguhhhh UGH. UUUUGHHHH. jackā¦..š he was so lonely yutsdrfghhtdftgghhā¦ā¦.
i bet he hated seeing david so distraughtā¦..he was miserable but david distressed didnāt make things any better. i miss them. they shouldāve kissed. at least once.
guhhhhhhhguhhhh UGH. UUUUGHHHH. jackā¦..š he was so lonely yutsdrfghhtdftgghhā¦ā¦.
i bet he hated seeing david so distraughtā¦..he was miserable but david distressed didnāt make things any better. i miss them. they shouldāve kissed. at least once.
heyyy this is really late but i felt like i did too much with this art piece to Not talk about it, so i wrote roughly 9k of analysis of Corinthians 6:9 because thereās smth wrong w me fr⦠please forgive me taking myself very seriously for a little bit! thereās so much thought behind what i did for this fic and itās my time to talk my shit, so ill bear the embarrassment and do just that
so anyway: spoilers for all of corinthians??? kind of??? itās more thematic than actual events, but ur def gonna have to read it for anything to make sense <3
1: ARMOR
Herbertās suit of armor here is based on a couple different depictions of Joan of Arc, who is the person in the fic that confirms Herbertās transness as a tween; he sees transmasculinity in them, and sees himself in their struggle. I think a suit of armor for Herbert is probably a more rare depiction, but heās incredibly defensive of himself and his work, and at certain points, Danās protector. And Herbertās a fighter; his life has been an uphill battle that heās fought viciously. (Plus, heās sharp-tongued, of course.)
The interesting line to draw here in comparing Herb to Joan is in Herbert portrayed as a martyr in this fic (Joan being one of the most famous.) It seems a very unlikely position for him, but the references to martyrdom show alternate definitions not expressly related to the martyrdom of Joan of Arc, who voluntarily died for refusing to renounce their religion (classic style.)
(Dan is also posed as a martyr of his own making, in this case simply: a person who suffers greatly and constantly. Dan definitely does, but as we know from Herbertās point of view, Dan is often his own victim, which is why this makes Herbert roll his eyes at best.
āāTake it out on me if you want, just stop making her worry,ā (Dan says.) / Herbert scoffsā¦Nothing gets Dan hard like martyrdom does.ā (chp. 4)
Herbert fits the definition that he gives in Chapter 1 when discussing The Outsiders with Dan, who admires the character Johnny:
āOf course, young Dan had the hots for the martyr. Any man who would go through all the worldās suffering before renouncing his own doctrine would be right up his alley.ā (chp. 1)
(Love it when Herbert describes himselfā¦)
Herbert would go through all the suffering in the world for his work and his transness, both of which are his freedom and purpose. Herbert is incredibly stubborn; I hate and adore this about him. So, in this case, while he steps away from Joanās christianity and has a more complex relationship with pain than Dan does, he still canāt escape his devotion, he simply interacts with it differently.
(I do think itās important to mention that the martyr in Re-animator (the movie) is Meg. In this fic, despite Herbertās dislike/ridicule of her, he finds himself by her side. This is self-assigned in Chapter 2 out of hatred for Dan, but also within the copy of The Outsiders Dan brings to Peru. Herbert, as a martyr/Johnny, lies beside a photo of Meg. (I got a variety of takes on this, but honestly you can decide what I meant by that if you want.)
ā...Herbert couldnāt stop staring at that corner of the photo. At Meg, flattened between the pages of a book that Dan was now pretending he barely remembered, and that quiet, defeated boy right beside her.ā (chp. 2)
2: SCARS
The shape of the breastplate is designed to look like top surgery scars. Yay trans men we love you trans men <3
3: CROWN
So the crown of thorns on Jesusās head as he was crucified was meant to cause more than pain, but to shame and ridicule him as well. The thorns are sometimes pointed to as a reference to taking a road of sin (where Jesus was punished for humanityās sins.) A large point of this story, discussed in Chapter 1 first, is that generally both the idea of sin itself and the punishment for it are created by the church (or yourself, if youāre Daniel Cain!)
āNo, (the average American) didnāt believe in god, but they did believe in hell, even if they didnāt realize it. They lived in a culture that had been shaped by biblical morals and the supposed existence of sin; they didnāt have to set foot in a church to fear hell.ā (chp. 2)
āNo, you are not going to hell,ā (Herbert said.) āHowever, in some ways, yes, because you are in hell right now. You are your own tormentor. Youāve placed the blame, determined the punishment, and now you flinch away from lashes made by your own hand.ā (chp. 1)
Itās also significant that this pain was caused by those that Jesus was saving. A lot of Herbertās pain comes from caring about Dan, how that changes and hurts him.
āPast all bonds held internally, up through his flesh to the surface of his skin, are the ones he holds with Dan. He has changed Herbert; Herbert is inclined to believe heās made him worse.ā (chp. 4)
Herbert has a very complicated history with pain, as it can center him or send him spiraling, turns him on and makes him sick, brings up good memories and bad. This attachment for him is much older than the reagent, and is in some ways his true maker. He revisits all types of pain over the course of this story, but the ones that scares him the most is the humiliation he welcomes in Chapter 5, and the pain he bears for someone else the entire fic. Itās not what heās supposed to be.Ā
But I also think ābirth is painfulā is important here, because that pain isnāt his destruction, even if it feels like that at some points, and Herbertās self-determination when he canāt control the pain is to decide what it means to him; thatās his means of coping and changing, and heās been doing it since he was very young.
āPain was sharp, and it cleared his mind. It was something so base to his being that it made more sense than nearly anything else.ā (chp. 1)
ā(His obsession with his work) followed him everywhere, more inherent to him than anything else. It's only match was pain.ā (chp. 2)
(also sorry for making the crucifixion about BDSM⦠but to be fairā¦)
4: HEART
Megās heart is on Herbert and not on Dan because itās more relevant to him in this story than it is to Dan, through point of view but also generally.
To Dan, Megās heart is not a promise of seeing her again, but rather a sign that Herbert still wants and needs him. Thatās what fuels him to agree to work on her. When he perceives that Herbert simply wants him around to help with the work, he is instantly bitter and apathetic to the process, saying many times that he doesnāt think itās going to work (though itās less that he doesnāt believe they can make life altogether, but that he doesnāt think itās going to be Meg; his way of expressing his anger in Herbert āstepping out of their commitment.ā)Ā
Dan is not āoverā Meg by any means, but her heart itself doesnāt have weight to it in that regard. Megās heart is not her. Thatās one of the biggest differences between Corinthians!Dan and Bride!Dan, obviously; Danās relationship with Herbert is one that makes him compartmentalize his grief and shame, which doesnāt mean itās dealt with, but Herbert also gave him genuine companionship and comfort when he desperately needed it. This doesnāt remove the pain surrounding Meg, but it does propel him past the level of denial needed to do what Bride!Dan did.
āāRememberingāand this time it didnāt hurtā¦āā (chp. 1)
In The Outsiders, the full line about ārememberingā has its relationship to Herbert, obviously. It also has both a sense of finality, and of moving on; Meg is gone, but the book isnāt done yet. Dan is aware of this, itās just incredibly painful. Herbert occupies the next part of Danās life; closing the door on Meg here makes a door for Herbert open.
āStill, something about it made Herbert tilt his head in curiosity. That fragment wasnāt the full line. / āRememberingāand this time it didnāt hurtāa quiet, defeated-looking sixteen-year-old whose hair needed cutting badly and who had black eyes with a frightened expression to them.ā / Herbert read that line several times over, and then closed the Meg-shaped door again. / It was as if the discussion about the book unlocked something, because Dan started talking.ā (chp. 1)
Later in the story, during their big fight, Dan says he also stayed for Meg, but itās with a wince, and itās following him expressing his distaste, not for the work itself, but Herbertās obsession with it. Dan is shown to be jealous of the work many times, and its possession of Herbert, but he also hates that this part of Meg (despite not being all of her) has just become a symbol of his unrequited desire for someone else.
āāYou looked heartbroken (when I said I was moving out),ā Dan finishes; a needless reminder to them both. āLike you cared if I stayed or wentā¦ā / He gazes over at the bride, and winces deeply. / āAnd itās for Meg. Of course, itās for her, but⦠Christ.āā (chp. 4)
āOnce, Herbert caught Dan staring at his hands methodically connecting nerves, and he looked⦠Well, Dan looked jealous. It was nauseating. Forget Francesca; if Dan was truly so infatuated with the bearer of Megās heart, one would think heād strive for it more.ā (chp. 2)
(The bearer of Megās heart being whooo exactly, Herb?)
Herbertās relationship to the heart is more intense, and heās more blind to its purpose than Danās, a swap from the movie. Danās read of why Herbert offered the heart isnāt entirely correct, but itās true that it was an attempt to get Dan to stay.Ā
Herbert doesnāt think that who he raises will be Meg, either. However, he believes that to be primarily what is keeping Dan with him, and as well as seeing her as his greatest creation regardless (the babytrapping. you understand.) This is Herbertās tool and focus, not Danās.
Bible shit (sorry): The Virgin Mary is often shown with a heart (the Immaculate Heart) and thereās a lottt about this reference that doesnāt apply, because Herbert is not one for loving god or for purity BUT first and foremost when I think about Mary, I think about devotion, and I think Herbert is incredibly devoted (as discussed in the armor bit.) Not needlessly, but when he gets invested, itās near impossible for him to stop.
And also this entire fic is kind of just Herbert West fully experiencing emotions, so he wears his heart on the outside here, like Mary and as he does in the last couple chapters.
5: ARM
This bit is a little more conceptual, attempting to string together concepts of illness/pain and pregnancy. Herbert fears and despises the idea of pregnancy, and refers to fetuses as parasites, among other hot takes. He also fears losing Dan, in a way that makes him physically ill several times, most notably when Francesca implies she and Dan will be having children; this makes Herbert realize both his feelings and the urgency with which he needs to make a change in his relationship with Dan.
āHerbert stopped dead in his tracks, and his breath caught, as if his lungs had tried to continue moving without him. ā¦He was going to be sick.ā
(later)Ā
āIt was possible his body had never betrayed him that violently and suddenly before.ā (chp. 2)
(This was intended to mirror morning sickness. I didnāt make that fully apparent to Herbert because I donāt think it was needed, but it functionally serves a very similar purpose, of a physical reaction that makes you have to take stock of your life and spurs you to action, as well as in this case, clues Herbert into his metaphorical role in this story.)
In this piece, he has a hand over his lower stomach, where his hysterectomy scar would be, and I wanted his face to read multiple ways. Heās holding a hand to his wounded body, trying to soothe the pain of his emotions, with a bitter and accusing look. Look what youāve done. Heās also holding his hand there with a distrusting and protective look, over both their creation and their commitment to each other. Donāt you dare destroy this. Itās a reaction to pain already caused, and the fear of more to come if things donāt go well. Herbertās arm looks wounded, yet also as if it could be cradling something... Yeah.
6: SYRINGE/SWORD
Herbertās sword is designed like some Joan of Arc depictions, but itās also meant to look like a syringe. Danās more clearly holding a normal-style syringe, which is because his connection to the re-agent is much more literal and practical. Itās less significant, but still there, as itās not as if Dan has no interest in the work. In fact, itās part of his anger over Herbertās āaffairā with his work.
āYou completely redirected our work, ours, without remotely involving me. What you promised to me when we left Arkham meant nothing.ā (chp. 4)
Herbert, on the other hand, wields the re-agent like a weapon. He defends with it, attacks with it, and falls on it. Itās his greatest tool, and heās good at using it, but too liberally. Itās a weakness, too; double-edged. It also gives context for his armor, as he looks/feels strange without the re-agent.
āAn exception to this was the re-agent. Herbert was unable to subdue his explosive energy or reign in his fierce defense of it. He had no desire to, but he knew that switch would never turn off regardless; it was snapped at its base.ā (chp.2)
āThat particular memory had returned to him in a sudden manner, right in the middle of an experiment. Herbert had been perfectly focused in one moment, and then jolted into the past the nextā¦Heād dropped the flask in his hands with a flinch, and it shattered as it hit the floor. / It had taken him a moment to return, and then he could only stare. His re-agent was wasted on the floor, as a result of his negligence.ā (chp. 2)
7: ROBES
Danās robes are intended to be very flowy and angelic, whereas Herbert is much more down to earth. I ended up covering their feet, but Dan is slightly floating off the ground here. He represents ideals, and Herbert represents realities (at least in Herbertās mind.)Ā
8: LIGHTNING/STARS
Thereās so many weather related metaphors in this story, so this is just an ode to a couple of them. The lightning is discussed in the nimbus part below. As for stars, beyond being a very common symbol in uhhh everything, there are a few stars out in their first conversation, and many when they first kiss, representing that kind of fantastical falling-in-love feeling. When Dan makes his decision to be with Herbert, however, he is grounded to earth despite this (no stars in his eyes.)Ā
āDanās eyes were darker than the night around them. No stars, but no clouds. He inhaled deeply, and released slowly. An agonal breath.ā (chp. 1)
9: COINS
The circles around Dan are the 30 silver pieces that Judas betrayed Jesus for. In this case, itās a representation of Dan giving up what he has with Herbert, based on true human connection, for something that gives him societal power. This obviously isnāt money in the fic, but the power one receives through conformity to american/christian social norms. (Itās debatable how much Dan actually did this and how consciously, but itās Herbertās POV, and he certainly feels betrayed.)
(In many tellings of Judasā story, heās said to be possessed by the devil, which I also think is kind of funny for this story. Dan being possessed by evil makes him get into a straight relationship... Sounds about right.)
10: HAND
Heās doing the Jesus hand (well, the catholic Jesus hand). I donāt know, it felt kind of funny, the way it does look like holding a syringe a bit. Also when else am I going to get to do that? This is THE Catholic fic for me. Thereās like a couple different explanations for this sign, the main one being it represents the holy trinity, but I liked the stuff I read about nerve injury from Jesusā crucifixion... I wonāt get any more into it, this is mostly a bit.
11: NIMBUS
Thereās this whole thing at the end of the story about nimbusā, which has a double meaning. If you donāt know, a nimbus is an aura that surrounds a scared person, often in the form of a halo around their head. A nimbus is also a cloud type, and in this case Iām referring to cumulonimbus clouds, which are often associated with lightning and thunder.Ā
At the start, Herbert talks about seeing a lightning strike near his house, which is one of few instances of childlike innocence and wonder in his life (Dan brings up feelings of being young several times for Herbert, both the joy and the terrifying fragility of it.) This is brought up again right at the end of the fic (where the nimbus double meaning is used.)Ā
āAnd then, there was the roll of thunder, far in the distance. Herbert counted the seconds in between; heād seen lightning strike the field beside his house when he was very young, less than 100 feet away. The sound of thunder had made him run to windows for the next few years, hoping to witness it again, but he never did.ā (chp. 1)
(Note: the counting of the thunder above directly precedes the first time Dan says ācome hereā in this fic)
āDanās room is dark other than the moonlight coming in the window behind him... It trails his edges, a nimbus of pale light, stormy in the way that used to make Herbert rush to the windows.ā (chp. 5)
The other thing Iād say here is that the sacred nimbus is around Danās head, while the cloud is around his hand; this is to show the difference between his saintly ideals and the actions that follow, that are not nearly as saintly. (They arenāt always ābad,ā however you might define that, but they arenāt saintly.) This is especially shown in Chapter 4, when Dan talks about hating his and Herbertās relationship while being wayyyy too horny holding him downā¦
āHerbert's voice is stilted, as his choices are either to press his cheek against the table or rest directly on his chin, but he likes to think it adds to it. Even in Herbertās voice, Dan can hear it; the difference between what Dan claims to desire, and the actions that he takes.ā (chp. 4)
The cloud nimbus is also around his hand in that way because thatās a common way that god is portrayed; a hand reaching from the sky. (Iām gonna talk about the Dan/god allegory at the end, gimme a sec.)
12: COLLAR:
Sexy. Next.
13: HERBERTāS WINDOW
There are likeā¦one million āhouseā metaphors in this story (the lab in Herbertās mind with the backrooms and false walls and their house/doors as their shared flesh) but this specific reference is to the āold houseā that Herbert has built around, essentially his inner core thatās very linked to childhood pain that he doesnāt want Dan to see (and that Dan has a tendency to cut to.) Heās fiercely protective of this, especially because his other main relationship with a man made him feel taken advantage of (and in that case, was in part because Herbert was genuinely so young.)Ā
āThere was no need for Dan to see any rotten wood as long as the structure stood tall. He could appreciate what it was now, without ever having to see what used to sit on the lot and had to be built around. He could appreciate it from the outside.ā (chp. 1)
āStill, (Danās) question of āwhat did (James) do?ā isnāt answered that easily. What he truly did was make Herbert confuse his own desire with that of another, and agree to things he wasnāt old enough to. He made Herbert hate himself.ā (chp. 4)
(Note: Herbert also uses this language when talking about the brideāā...the bits and pieces of her partially built body being pulled up like a new house on an old lotā¦āāwho he projects emotions and ambitions on, in the way a parent might hope that their creation could be their success, even if they simply have to stand next to it.)
14: DANāS WINDOW
Danās window serves a similar purpose, and a dual one. Itās related to the book of Daniel, where Daniel is often shown in the pit of lions with a barred window/door keeping him from escaping (more on this in the Dogs and Wolves part). Dan is also trapped in a ācageā, which is very many things. Hereās a few references:
āFor Dan, there was little separation at all; he clung to grief, at times, or lived in its cage.ā (chp. 1)
āHerbert might have unlocked the cage. Loosened Danās muzzle. Made him realize how hungry he was. Everything after that was out of his hands.ā (chp. 2)
āThat was what Herbert saw in Dan now. A man who got so, so close to freedom, and then snapped the cage door shut again.ā (chp. 2)
Herbert posits the cage as a choice Dan makes, and sees the cage as a negative restriction that needs to be removed. Dan sees it both as deserved punishment and whatās holding him back from selfishness/hurting people. Up to you how you feel on this one.
I specifically made his barred window look similar to the middle wall of separation in a confessional booth. The idea of āconfessionsā with Dan is brought up frequently.Ā
āDan was exactly that. Stained glass saint, and a nightmare in the confession booth.ā (chp. 1)
ā(Of course, Dan needs to come clean. Heād probably prefer to have sex in the confession booth, so he could apologize during it, not just before and after.)ā (chp. 5)
Herbert has a love/hate relationship with receiving them, but certainly hates the concept, and doesnāt find value in it. I donāt think Danās need to confess is the cage, but rather the idea that thereās someone on the other side who has a magic fix for the things that he feels. That was Herbert for a time, and then things got real messy; Herbert releases himself from this role at the end, anyway.
āThere is no choice Dan can make tonight that could eradicate his suffering; there is, however, a choice that could give him relief. / (Herbert) knows better than to believe he can choose for them both.ā (chp. 4)
I think it was important for them to fucking yell at each other for 10k, for Dan to stand his ground/speak for himself, and to hear genuine the hurt he caused Herbert in explicit terms without somewhere to hide from it. Thatās the breaking of the wall between, I think; when they both āconfessā, with rare honesty from Herbert and self-management/forgiveness from Dan, itās just a much-needed conversation.
15: THE PIT
Oh, the pit metaphor⦠Loved this one a little too much, but what can I say⦠Initially based off āthe pits of hellā, itās essentially the point of no return in terms of leaving behind christian expectations. Herbert talks about this in Chapter 1 (and Iāll get into āhell as separationā later.)Ā
āIn theology, hell was better described as separation. Apparently, he was expected to be so fully invested in the love of the father that it was frightening to imagine being kept apart. Unfortunately, that separation sounded appealing to him; heād be laden with chains and kept in a pit, of course, but maybe in hell, he wouldnāt wear those eyes. Now, Herbertās sins have hidden the face of god from him, and what a relief.ā (chp. 1)
(Remember āthe love of the fatherā in this paragraph if ya feel like it)
The pit is Herbertās freedom from christianity and the eyes of god, but it doesnāt free him from the entirety of shame (nor of love, for that matter.) Regardless, itās Herbertās home, and he mostly finds watching Danās slow fall infuriating (though occasionally itās exciting to be the one to pull him down.)
āDan could make his claims about his opinion on his descent from grace, but he loved nothing more than the burning in his palms as he slid down that already-fraying rope. Herbert had lived his whole life in the expanse below him, and viewed Danās descent with apathy. How long would it take? The struggle was a hard watch.ā (chp. 2)
āHe pulled Danās mouth to his again, kissed him until he felt Danās arm ready to give out and send him crashing down to where Herbert was waiting.ā (chp. 1)
Still, even now, after everything, Herbert loathed to watch Dan deny himself, if only on principle. In Peru, Herbert had gotten so close to reaching his ankle as he hung over that expanse and pulling him free. But now, it was too late. Dan wasnāt climbing, because it was too late for him, but he might die there in his stubbornness, the rigor mortis keeping him suspended in mid-fall until the sun absorbed the earth. (chp. 2)
16: BLOOD
This is specifically Danās blood, dripping from his hands, ragged from trying to hold onto the rope to halt his inevitable downward fall.
āDan refuses himself, he clings to the rope with his raw hands, and he lets the blood drip onto Herbertās nice white shirt.ā (chp. 3)
17: FIRE
This stained-glass fire represents both the fires of hell, and the fires of being burnt at the stake, but both wind up being related to punishment for existing as you truly are.Ā
Itās kind of funny, because Dan is the one positioned as having a fear of hell, but Herbert admits several times (through citing real life consequences for actions) that hell on Earth can very much be a thing. He experiences the confusing combination of being punished rightfully and being punished wrongfully.Ā
This is just the reality of life, but it easily gets mixed up for him, and thatās been true his whole life, especially when he was a child. His current emotional pain awakens memories of being punished as a child for things like genuine accidents, the pursuit of academic knowledge, or putting trust in other people.Ā
ā(The sudden distressing memories were) a punishment, awarded to him from an unknown benefactor to his demise. It was his punishment for succeeding. For existing in his full genius, and all that came with it.ā (chp. 2)
Being burnt at the stake is similar, and discussed again through Joan of Arc. Herbert says he wanted to find a way out of that fate, which is some ways he did, but in others, heās very much still punished, in this case for being trans.Ā
āAnd then 500 years later, (Joan of Arc) was canonized as a catholic saint, with no discussion of some glaring transexuality involvedā¦At the time, it made Herbert wonder how many christians simply feared being burnt at the stake enough that they chose a much slower death. There had to be a third choice, he thought, and he was going to find it.ā (chp. 2)
That pain doesnāt leave him, regardless of his level of transition. Thereās some joy in being so powerful in your ideology that people want you deadā¦
ā(His church would) hate that heās successful. Theyād hate that he isnāt miserable. Theyād hate the lab heād built from the ground up, and theyād hate the body he built, too...ā (chp. 5)
ā¦but thereās equal fear in having who you choose to be burnt away, and not being there to set the record straight.
ā...They burned her until she was dead, naked but not warped. They raked back the coals, and showed the onlookers exactly who she was.ā (chp. 2)
ā(Herbertās) fear is completely contained, but he can feel its wave under his feet. He imagined lying there, dead, in perfect preservation at the height of his achievement, only to have his suit stripped from him. Heād be discovered. Herbert feared little more than being sent in a box back to his hometown and buried under a grave that didnāt bear his name.ā (chp. 1)
Herbert sins in a million ways, and at the end of the fic, finds genuine peace in the belief that if hell were real, he would go there. It signifies freedom to him, and rebellion, but also? He just genuinely believes that being a good christian makes you a shit person, and he places himself wherever opposition to that is.
18: THE DOG AND THE WOLVES
The wolves and dog at the bottom of Danās frame are another reference to the book of Daniel. Herbert says āāā(Dan) was so earnest and yet so weak; if anyone could sit in a den of lions, hoping someone else takes care of it, it was Dan.ā (chp. 1) This earnestness is a running theme for Dan, and itās very core to who he is, which is why when he genuinely does wrong, itās unbearable for him to look at:
ā(Herbert) canāt tell Dan (what happened with James). Herbert has no interest in touching moments or opening up, of course, but he knows Dan; if Herbert told him all the specifics and Dan knew he reminds Herbert of that man, he would never forgive himself.ā (chp. 4)
However, it also lets him cut through Herbertās bullshit like no one else.
Herbert had heaped a healthy serving of sarcasm on his words, but he needed to do this with more caution, because Dan often responded with a genuineness that made his cynicism sound extremely juvenile, a jaded teenager. / How was he meant to react when that single word, spoken with no hesitation and no dishonesty, blew a hole through the center of his carefully-crafted line? / ā¦when Dan wasnāt floundering, his aim was astoundingly accurate.ā (chp. 1)
Herbert mocks Daniel (bible) for doing something that would clearly get him punished and then predictably getting punished for it, but this is one of many subjective views Herbert considers to be logical. There are things that are important enough for Dan to go to the lionās den that are inconsequential to Herbert, and vice versa.
Ā He also implies a sarcastic surprise at this outcome; Iād argue that often when Dan makes a choice heās punished for, heās very aware of the punishment, and sometimes itās indeed the reason he makes the choice to begin with (itās ironic, considering Herbert is always telling himself he punishes himself, but itās even more complicated for Dan than Herbert can see from the outside.)
Note: Herbert also says that when Daniel (bible) is saved, women and children are unfairly punished, which he uses to highlight insidious messaging in the bible, but also shows these āless important charactersā getting hurt and left behind in the glory of a man being chosen by god.
I used dogs and wolves because itās one of my favorite Dan symbols (as you may be awareā¦). He bites and obeys and is wild and tame and you get it. Thereās a lot of ties between domesticity and domestication in this fic, and Dan biting (real and metaphorical).
ā(Dan is) driven by impulse and instinct; the flip side of an animal otherwise domesticated. Itās the wicked warp of American domesticity, too. Heās playing husband and father, but itās purely for self-serving pleasure.ā (chp. 5)
āDan had been captivated (by Herbertās thighs) the next morning; his shame, his curiosity, his hunger. This was the fun Ashamed Dan. He touched the (bite) marks, and pressed his lips together.ā (chp. 1)
āāBesides, you can think circles around it until you grow weak, but the marks your bite leaves bear the prints of your teeth, not the tone of my voice.ā says Herbert. / āBad metaphor,ā Dan growls. āThereās plenty of ways to bite with no marks in sight. Iām much more loyal than you give me credit for, Herbert. I heel.ā (chp. 4)
Thereās more wolves than dogs because the wolves are poised to win, I would say (but hey, heāll always have that dog in him, too.) Herbert says āmorals are made by the manā (chp. 5), and thatās where the idea of the wolves winning is up to interpretation.Ā
If the morals that got Dan thrown in the pit are those of christian america, then Dan being eaten by wolves is his freedom from that. If the morals that got Dan thrown in there were genuine parts of who he is, then getting eaten by wolves could represent that being the only true acceptance of who he actually is. Anddddd it could also be a final death of something important about him that needs to be mourned (or perhaps has been already.)
Regardless, if thereās a savior for Dan, itās not god; itās Herbert, and Herbert is very wolflike himself. For both options above, thereās freedom in death and rebirth, and thereās loss, too.Ā
But there is a final option, if you want to include the window in this metaphor; maybe Dan did in fact break the confessional wall completely and resolutely, and escaped. This oneās kind of interesting, because itād show Dan stopping his own punishment by his own will, and also calls into question Herbertās wolfishness, considering heās still very much by Danās side at the end⦠Sorry. You know what, you can just decide what you think about this, I donāt know man.
19: GRASS
This is the grass that they sit in. Classic grass. Itās in the very first opening scene, where they have their first kiss, and also where Francesca was planning to take Dan when Herbert denies him permission to do so. Yay for grass!
āHerbert didnāt want to think about it, their kiss at dusk, the very first one. There shouldnāt be any attachment anymore; one kiss or a million, in any order, didnāt matter now. They hadnāt gone there for months, but somehow, Herbert thought their shapes would still be there in the grass.ā (chp. 2)
20: BIRDS
These are some of the birds they hear calling in Peru, and also in a variety of thematic moments (before their first kiss, the wound scene in the basement, right at the very end.) These are kiskadees, which is the example Herbert gives as something he only notices because of Dan, a callback to their conversation about their Outsiders parallels.
āā...Johnny tells him he never used to notice colors. Itās like they were never there before Ponyboy told him about them,ā (Dan said.)ā
(later)
ā...Dan had started pointing out the difference in their calls, and Herbert was starting to hear it, tooā¦He wasnāt quite Danās match..but it was something he wouldnāt have cared to notice without Dan pointing it out.ā (chp. 1)
Thereās two because theyāre gay. Theyāre gay birds.
21: IGUANA
Yeah, yeah, the plot iguana, weāve all seen it.
22: LIL SYRINGE
i just thought it was cute (: ty for noticing
Thatās it for the art piece but I have shit to say about the various gods in this story, hear me out
HERBERT/GOD ALLEGORY:
This oneās pretty straight-forward: Herbert represents godās role as a creator, through 3 fronts.
The most literal one is in the creation of the bride. She is Herbertās metaphorical child in this story. Thereās some reality to this, the physical building. In terms of religion, sheās very much a virgin birth (hello again, Mary), but I think Herbert is very much god here as well. Certainly more than Dan is. Dan is more representative of a literal cis father, in that heās technically required for creation, but doesnāt have to physically carry any more than that if he doesnāt desire to. Herbert is the one with a divine plan. He has both the vision and the means to make it real on earth.
āProgress on the bride was slow, but rewarding. By that point, Herbert had developed his own relationship with her, both through the magnitude of time together, and to step in for Danās lack of involvement. / To Herbert, the bride was becoming his finest creation. He spoke to her absentmindedly, if they were alone. Dan was contributing the bare minimum, which was maddening, but only served to make Herbert even more meticulous and attentive.ā (chp. 2)
(Though they still both play parents to some extent: Herbert tries to make bids to interest Dan in their creation, snaps at him for his lack of knowledge of her as a result of him not pulling his weight, and gets increasingly more weary as she progresses⦠One could also see Danās jealousy of Herbert's work to be similar to the phenomenon of fathers resenting their child for splitting the motherās love and attentionā¦but I donāt know if we wanna get into that or notā¦)
The second instance of this is Herbertās creation of himself. (Itās brought up one million times, but it just goes hard whenever I write about it, so itās hard to stop.) He discusses creation in terms of the physical, professional, legal, relational, etc. It is incredibly important to him that he receive praise for his transition, but more than that, credit. He will acknowledge and reveal weakness, even, to compare it to himself now or show how hard heās worked.Ā
And he worked incredibly hard for it. At one point he says his choices are all he has, and I think thatās very true. Heās a control freak, but in this case, Iād say heās intensely concerned with self-determination (making it only more painful to be betrayed by the body he built through emotions he canāt control, but I digress. Hereās one william examples:)
Physical: āHerbert exhaled and threaded his fingers in Danās hair. That praise, that was what he had been waiting to hear, because he did do an amazing job. It killed him that he was one of his own finest creations, and there was no one to appreciate it. Before now.ā (chp. 1)
Professional: āHe had only done this, a very blatant reveal of his identity, once before. Then, he truly had been nervous; Gruberās reaction to that information secured his education and career, but it could have broken it, too. The stakes here were lower; it was people, not work.ā (chp. 1)
Legal: ā...āHerbert Westā didnāt legally exist until 1979. Sure, heād always been, but he needed the U.S. government to approve of it; to his utter surprise, they didnāt, so heād had to take the side streets. It took years and ceaseless work, but eventually he was 20 years old, with a pen poised over the space in the form left for his name.ā (chp. 1)
Relational (1): It should be noted that many fathers, including Herbertās own, find having daughters to be a waste of life, yet get only more violent when one tries to fix that problem himself. (chp. 2)
Relational (2): āMidway through his transition, charged with hormones and desperate for rebellion in any form, heād find these men who were caught between straight male chauvinism and latent homosexual desireā¦He wasnāt a woman and he wasnāt a man; he was a thing to them. And things like Herbert were a sin, so naturally men love to fuck them in secret, especially repressed choir boys.ā (chp. 1)
āHerbert may not give undeserved time to unsolicited pain, but he is not often compelled to ignore it in full. The years of his life he spent in a period of transition are not ones he remembers well. He had been insecure, and deeply unhappy; that man doesnāt exist within him today. Herbert has no need to reject his existence privately, however. Without what he was forced to rail against, there would be less significance to Herbertās current form. He did not snap his fingers and become Herbert West; he bled for it.ā (chp. 4)
ā(Herbert) wonāt pretend heās pleased with his origin, its state and circumstances, or even that heās grateful for it, but it might be more than just a detriment. Itās a new hypothesis, a school of thought unconsidered; itās possible that heās not the man he is today in spite of it, but rather because of it.ā (chp. 5)
And then the last is Dan. Running conflict through the story, one that isnāt even resolved and likely never will be, is how much of a hand Herbert has in who Dan is. Dan blames himself, but he also blames Herbert, for āturning himā into what he is. Herbert is his omnipotent god. Herbert denies this, saying he might motivate/encourage Dan (also above in the cage bit), but in no way did he make him what he is (he does have the feeling in Peru that he created Dan, but it is recognized as too close to hypocrisy and quickly discarded.) This oneās kind of up to your opinion to be honest; how much of Dan is Herbert?
āDan was angry, too; Herbert assumed all he did when Herbert was away was file his teeth sharper. His anger was his only point of control over Herbert, impeding concentration and attempting to seed doubt. Another point of insanity; that ability was only made available to Dan because of Herbert, he thought. Herbert taught him anger, he taught him control. Herbert wanted to grab Dan by the front of his shirt and scream: How can you despise me? I made you!ā (chp. 2)
H: ā...Nevermind. I donāt care how you justify your behavior to yourself. Complain all you want, you got what you deserved.ā
D: āI wonāt apologize for the things you drove me to do.ā
H: āSo I wonāt apologize for existing in your vicinity, which is where the majority of that drive comes from!ā
D: āOh, right, you have no control over me whatsoever. The things youāve forced me toāā
H: āI do not force. I motivateāā
D: āMotivation? Control, Herbert!ā
H: āOh, obviously, but itās more than that. I make you feel, Daniel.ā
(chp. 4)
DAN/GOD ALLEGORY:
Where Herbert stands as god in terms of creation, Dan is about the idea of love from a higher power.
Thereās a lot of god references in the last chapterāHerbert being named anew with the word āloveā (a large part of his own creation of himself, discussed at the very start), Danās fingers commanding him (10 fingers, 10 commandments, I know, I felt really annoying writing it)--but the most distinct I think is when Dan calls him āperfect.ā
Francesca has been referred to as perfect in a christian way throughout the story (by Herbert, an assessment that he loathes.) Herbert privately denies his own perfection, out of fear of humiliating and devastating mistakes. In Chapter 5, with Dan in a place of authority, his opinion becomes that of a higher power, and itās one of reverence and love. Herbert has never experienced someone holding power over him that isnāt used to hurt him.
āGod, look at you. Youāre perfect.ā
It wasnāt even to purposefully flatter Herbert; Dan wouldnāt give him that. It was to himself, under his breath. A private thought. Regardless, Herbert half-mindedly agrees. He should look at Herbert. He should see how perfect he ended up. (chp. 5)
Herbert describes himself as Danās āarbiter of truthā, and finds it to be āa burden and a privilegeā. The same wording here is used when Dan tells Herbert about his muttered comment that broke his heart:
āāYou did,ā Dan insists, cutting him off again. āAnd it wasnāt even to purposefully hurt me. It was to yourself, under your breath, thinking I wasnāt listening. A private thought. The truth you were saving me fromā¦Thatās pity, Herbert! The pity you promised youād never feel for me!āā (chp. 4)
(later)
āItās that burden and privilege again, of being Danās arbiter of truth. Herbert cannot afford to be careless; an offhand, absentminded comment made out of frustration is now burnt into Dan. Itās unfair.ā (chp. 4)
In Chapter 5, Danās praise has a similar affect on Herbert to Herbertās disgust on Dan. The marks Dan leaves on Herbert are referred to as burning several times, and those are meant to humiliate in the same way that Herbertās words did (itās just Herbert got off on it and I think itās fair to say Dan did not!)Ā
But it's a confusing mix of pain and comfort, both with aspects desired and undesired. Danās changed something, permanent and unignorable; Herbert calls this a brand with horror, but he also refers to it with reverence other times. Man, itās complicated.Ā
Danās love also makes him fear pity as well. Dan doesnāt want sympathy, and Herbert doesnāt it either. He finds Dan trying to take care of him as pity, and itās just as upsetting. He never made Dan promise not to pity him; Herbert just had the assumption it would never happen, because heās too good for it. Dan looking at him and wanting to comfort him is a failure on Herbertās part in his mind.
āA smile wobbles on Herbertās lips, and he wants to kill it, because he knows what (Dan is doing). Herbert does it all the time; the quick modulation of voice and body language in response to information gathered, with a specific result in mind. Dan is appealing to Herbertās humor in an easy-going tone, so as not to scare him off with his concern, in hopes of ripping the truth from Herbert when it holds less weight. Itās⦠/ His head pounds.ā (chp. 5)
Anyway, essentially, for the same reason Dan implies Herbert is his god, Dan is Herbertās god in this scene, the arbiter of truth, shown here especially:
āHerbert is so untouchable that itās nice to see him fall once in a while. That must feel like power to Dan, the absence of Herbertās own⦠wouldnāt this be the ideal time for Dan to ruin him? Itās undeniable. Itās similar to their first kiss; he might agree to anything Dan said. Even if it was cruel. Even if it broke him.ā (chp. 5)
Okay, going back to the line real quick:Ā
āāGod, look at you. Youāre perfect.ā
ā¦He should look at Herbert. He should see how perfect he ended up.ā (chp. 5)
This could be read as Dan directing the Christian god to view Herbert as perfect. Throughout the story, Herbert doesnāt capitalize most terms referring to religion (because heās disrespectful), so the capitalisation of āHeā, which is often used for god, is hidden at the start of the sentences at the end of the next paragraph. So it could be god, it could be Dan, it could be both, who knows?
Another part of god that is shown through Dan is his love being sought after for its own quality, rather than out of fear of punishment. When their relationship deteriorates, Herbert spends a lot of time ruminating on what he dislikes about Dan and the pain he brings to Herbertās life. He hates that he thought Dan was ādifferentā, and uses that to push his feelings down, but the reality of that thought isnāt that Herbert hates Dan, but misses him.Ā
The loss of the Dan that loved him is more painful than the arrival of one that makes his life harder, which is mentioned a few times:
āWhere was he? Where was the Dan that thought about being eternally tortured by his side and felt relieved?ā (chp. 2)
ā...Herbert glanced over his shoulder at Danās closed door. (Sleeping in the same bed) could never happen now. It would be infuriating, the sound of Danās breath, the heat of his body, the unfulfilled potential.ā (chp. 2)
āHe got nervous, or as nervous as a man like him could be, that Dan would be there in his living room one day.ā (chp. 2)
In all cases of this, the topic/scene is changed immediately after (Herbert literally slams the door on it for the second quote) because I think that for Herbert, not being able to have something he wants is worse than the presence of something he doesnāt want. He can do pain and heartbreak, he canāt do emptiness and longing.Ā
This is really drilled in with the āhell is separationā part. I didnāt have Herbert be cognizant of the āDan equals godā relationship during his panic attack because I donāt think it would connect for him and I also think thatās a spiral that he couldnāt have handled. However, that line is the closest Herbert gets to it. Through fear of being separated from Dan, he is able to understand a core part of religion that he never has (from like page 3 of the story, and mentioned earlier.)
āIt clicks. / Hell is separation.ā (chp. 5)
It is directly following this that Herbert is sure heās about to crash and burn:
ā(Herbert is) getting confused, his thoughts taking him in endless circles, and now (he) knows for certain that heās going to crash. Badly.ā (chp. 5)
Even that small brush with that idea has him pushing Dan away, and it only revisits him in the sense of admitting he loves Dan to himself. And this is just likeā¦what I think a god might be like, and of course, itās love:
āHerbert knows what he wants. Its flesh is under his fingernails. It drags him behind as it shoulders through the world. It wonāt stop moving, and changing, but thereās somehow always a place his hands fit perfectly; itās impossible not to reach out and try to hold it, but his grip hurts them both. He might have to make do with the drying remnants of the one form heād been able to tear a piece from, halted in its prime and already dead.ā (chp. 5)
The last part of this is that Dan is so tied to the re-agent and āthe work,ā which is also a metaphor for god. Well, maybe not even a metaphor, Herbert cites it as his god, but he doesnāt clearly make the connection between the work and Dan, which are occasionally used as interchangeable terms with each other or directly compared when Herbert isnāt as mentally ready to shove the idea away. Thereās way too many examples, so Iāll just do the big ones:
Herbert first beginning to link Dan and the work, before they get together in Peru:
ā...He thought of nothing but the work, because everything came back to it. That was why it was easy to think about Dan; Dan was tied closely enough that it made sense to have him on Herbertās mind. (chp. 1)
The moment that breaks their relationship when Herbert is trying to get Dan on board with creating life (itās funny, because Dan doesnāt see himself as tied to the work when Herbert has his āaffairā but here he very clearly reads the workās insignificance as his own):
āāYou will.ā Herbert had stuck in the blade, but clearly not deep enough; he leaned on it with his full weight behind him. āYou donāt want all of this to mean nothing, do you?ā / Herbert had meant the work, he always meant the work, but that was Herbertās unintentional punch. For a moment, there was wild, desperate fear in Danās eyes. (chp. 2)
Herbert comes to the conclusion to stay with Dan, using language from wedding vows, but still keeps Dan one step away; he isnāt fully combined with the work or on the same level, heās just bound to it:
Herbert canāt go on without him. For better or for worse. He canāt leave. He needs the work, and Dan is bound to it. Thatās settled. (chp. 3)
During the final sex scene, Herbert refers to both his studies on the re-agent and Dan as the work, as they blend together:
The papers around him are slipping to the floor, with more crushed between his body and the table; it feels right, caught between, surrounded by the work. (chp. 5)
Herbert is omnipotent, but Dan is omnipresent, and thatās how theyāre described here. Herbert also calls back to the āHerbertās sins have hidden the face of god from himā line. The horror of being looked at, and loved:
As for Herbert, he doesnāt know. Dan isnāt everything, no man ever could be, but Herbert might argue that heās everywhere; his ties to the work make that easy. Ever-present, whether Herbert decides to give him attention or not, and Herbert is unable to hide from him. Itās terrifying. (chp. 5)
WHICH connects to this earlier statement, that illustrates that while Dan perceives Herbert to be ācheating on him with the re-agent,ā if you will, Herbert believes heās been cheating on the re-agent with Dan, through lost productivity due to those annoying emotions one has sometimes, AND they are often very interchangeable depending on how youād like to see it:
āāNo, I mean the work. Thatās your affair, and it happened long before Francesca showed up.ā Dan waves at nothing in particular; he doesnāt need to. The re-agent is everywhere.ā (chp. 4)
IGUANA/GOD ALLEGORY?????
Truly the only genuine hint at a higher power is that fucking iguana hitting Herbert on the head. There was no real reason for that, and it surely could be explained, but the iguana just represents the somewhat unexplainable things that make you question if there is possibly something bigger at play is this world, whatever the hell that may mean to you
Ok das all⦠if u made it all the way down here, thank you for reading!
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(currently not healedā¦too eager to post!! will update eventually)
got this beautiful tat done by a wonderful local artist who did fluttershyās cutie mark absolute justice!! i am so happy with this ankle tattooā¦fluttershy has been my number one favorite ever since i was a kid and mlp has played a huge part in my life since growing up. having this tattoo feels so awesomeā¦fluttershy is a part of me forever now!!
tysm to my artist nat (whose socials and location i will obviously not be sharing, as much as iād love to) who did this!! such a fun guy too : ))
p.s. ignore my bumpy gross legsā¦i didnāt dry shave but my legs hate my lack of lotion usageā¦
Late night talks about Dr Gruber (was supposed to be connected artistically but not thematically to this comic I posted last year but I forgot about it)
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arm refs for dan in itās alive! (more details under the read more)
I based Danās arm off myoelectric arm prostheses, which for anyone who doesnāt know operates based on electrical impulses generated by muscles. 200 years in the future, thereās a lot of advancements, but this general concept stays the same.
Itās hard to classify Danās level of limb loss, because it was his arm and half of his chest, but I called it closer to a forequarter amputation than a shoulder disarticulation for the sake of this research.
I tried to create the arm that heād have Now, and then make it future-y and fun. Below is everything I used as reference!
For the arms in the first ref, the one on the left is the Fillauer Utah Arm 3+ elbow with a Fillauer ETD hook I believe? I donāt know what wrist tho (Iām a clown who took the photo from an article that was then blocked behind a paywall⦠What the fuckā¦)
Then the one on the right also has a Fillauer elbow with a Ottobock Bebionic hand and I Just Donāt Know about the upper and forearm. They look so cool and I based so much of Dan's off it. I wish I knew but there are 2 photos of it online, that lead back to the same two articles, and there is nothing else about it that I can find. My life is a nightmare. If YOU for some reason know the specifics of this arm, please send me a message or smth, because Iām being tortured.
I mainly based his hand off a variety of TASKA hands, but thereās also parts of the Ossur i-Limb Quantum (finger shape) and the Ottobock Michelangelo hand (thumb). There are myoelectric hooks as well in the first ref, which I think fucking rule, but Iām not sure they make sense in this setting⦠You never know! As always, my AUs are delightfully up for revision
(I might at some point get more into Danās chest and how it all works, but honestly I just needed to get down how this man looks so I can draw him being bisexual and employed ya know)
The art ref photos in the last image are from @/70sscifiart (realllly good blog.) The hand is Sergio Sarri, gold robot is Dean Ellis, the kiss is Philippe Caza. The last ref also shows the different levels of detail that could be expected from different forms (comic vs illustration, u understand)
Also: I donāt use a prosthesis, so all of this comes from research and a desire for accurate depiction, even if its just for a silly space AU. Hopefully Iāve done it justice here, I had a great time learning abt this!