TR3KSTER

Volina: Russia’s greatest love machine?

Zefram was an earthling

Who built a ship of steel

He learned the science of warp speed

And all the Vulcans cheered

•

And down to Earth went Solkar

Oh he, of little taste

To accept a handshake

Just to greet the human race

•

CHORUS:

Oh, Solkar the slut

The slut, the slut, the slut

Oh, Solkar the slut

We all do what we must

•

Now, no Vulcan could blame him,

For being so uncouth

Though he often described it

As pulling out a tooth

•

He did the necessary

But we all know the truth

We know he quite enjoyed it

For we saw him crack a smile

•

While many of his crewmates

Would meditate a while

He went to Zefram’s quarters

And was gone for many hours

•

[CHORUS]

For the bond from just one handshake

To last two lifetimes long

Is so unprecedented

That I put it in a song

•

Although, I must believe him

As the records plainly show

That just one simple handshake

Is enough to marry you

•

[CHORUS]

Now, Solkar’s grandson, Sarek,

He followed in his stead

As the first recorded Vulcan

A human girl to wed

•

With no official handshake

Lest our suspicions spread

Of the rumours that a Pon Farr

Sped the maiden to his bed

•

Oh, Sarek, the slut, the slut, the slut, the slut

Oh, Sarek, the slut

We all do what we must

•

Now on this ship, I see things

Of which I cannot speak

For guests should never admit

To having snuck a little peek

•

A Vulcan and The Captain’s

Knowing looks and brushing arms

Is within regulation

But should make a Vulcan squirm

•

And I reach a swift conclusion:

This has all got out of hand

Thus, the legacy of Solkar:

Surely not what he had planned

•

Oh, Solkar the slut

The slut, the slut, the slut

Oh, Solkar the slut

THE BALLAD OF SOLKAR THE SLUT

URALAYA-VAR T’SOLKAR, GUV-TVI-RIVAK TORSU

(THE SONG-STORY OF SOLKAR, THE FORNICATOR)

SOLKAR, WARMER THAN THE CLOSEST SUN

There was a Vulcan man

And Solkar was his name

He was big and strong

And horny for Earth on main

Most Vulcans looked at him

With terror and with fear

But to those Earthmen

He had oh such lovely ears

He recited Surak like a preacher

(True student of all he knew)

But when it was the time to make First Contact

He made out with: who?

Zefram

Zef Cochrane

(Solkar’s horny for him on main)

The other Vulcans wanted him gone x2

He ruled desolate wastes

With the merest flick of cape

He won over planets, and left the rest to fate

But he was at his best when he had a hand to squeeze

For these humans weren’t easy aliens to please

They believed he was a sultry creature

With higher combustion than the sun

At least, that’s what the other Vulcans told me:

“They called Solkar hot”

SOL- KAR

SOLKAR THE SLUT

WARMER THAN THE CLOSEST SUN

Ambassador of: “Let’s get it on”

SOL-KAR

SOLKAR THE SLUT

BRIGHTEST IN THE SOL SYSTEM

YES, APTLY NAMED WAS THAT VULCAN

[Spoken]

But when his hand shakes and smiling

And openly emoting

Became known to the Vulcan High-Council

They were most displeased

The demands to do something

About this outrageous man

Became louder and louder

[back to singing]

“The man has got to go”

Declared his enemies

But poor Zefram begged “Do not do this to him, please”

No doubt that Solkar

Had lots of hidden charms

For their soul-bond now was too strong to break with words

Then one night, a Vulcan of high-standing

(T'Karen, that was her name)

Set a trap for Zefram and his Vulcan

Tired of his fame

SOL- KAR

SOLKAR THE SLUT

WARMER THAN THE CLOSEST SUN

OH DAMN, THAT POISON REALLY DOES BURN

SOL-KAR

SOLKAR THE SLUT

BRIGHTEST IN THE SOL SYSTEM

HE DOWNED IT ALL AND FELT NO-THING

Now T'Karen wasn’t pleased

With his immunity

So she snuck on board of his spaceship the next week

But Zefram was prepared

(With a set-up of hisown)

And that trap, when sprung, took them both so far from home

Solkar’s safety was a price so hefty

(It took Zefram far away)

But this earthling met a different outcome:

To live another day

SOL- KAR

SOLKAR THE SLUT

WARMER THAN THE CLOSEST SUN

HIS HUSBAND LIVED FOR HUNDRED OF YEARS

SOL- KAR AND ZEFRAM

KIDNAPPED BY AN ALIEN?

Picture the scene: A group of Vulcan ensigns sit in a circle, cross legged on the cafeteria floor of a Starfleet ship newly departed on its five year mission. Holding a lyre is the elder of the group, a long-haired youth with a knowing twinkle in his eye. Beside him, a Vulcan girl of a slightly younger age, her hair twisted into an ornate plat which curls around her head like an elegant serpent. Together, they sing this ballad, passing the melody between them, sharing pointed glances at their enraptured audience. Human engineers, medics, and other assorted helmsmen stride past, surveying this gaggle of Vulcans with curiosity.

“This beautiful ballad…” they ponder, “must be full of important Vulcan history, the likes of which humanity may never understand.” 

 The Vulcans smirk at the looks of reverence on their crewmates’ faces.

 For they are, in fact, telling the story of how their ancestor boned the first ever human that the Vulcan race had ever had contact with.  

He’d boned the human almost instantly, after a single shake of his hand.

The worst arrow in the world.

DMs I am giving you this knowledge in exchange for all the things I showed your players. Use it wisely.

Eric is thinking too loudly.

Americans:

From Wikipedia: A graham cracker is a sweet flavored cracker made with graham flour.

The next ingredient (which is also extremely traditionally American but slightly more variable) is typically Hershey's chocolate, but you could probably swap this out in the UK with any plain chocolate bar.

Last ingredient is big marshmallows, the kind you do the chubby bunny challenge with, like the size of your thumb and twice as thick.

A proper s'more, the most traditional possible variety, involves to graham cracker squares, two slab segments of Hershey's chocolate, and one to two marshmallows depending on your preference for filling and gooeyness. You put a slab of chocolate on one of the graham cracker squares. Your marshmallows should be toasted, usually over a campfire but if you're doing them at home over a gas stove burner is fine, but the fire part is critical. You can toast them to whatever degree you like, some people like them nice and golden brown but still kind of firm in the middle, me personally? I want that bitch to CATCH ON FIRE, I want it gooey and sticky as hell in the middle, crispy and burnt on the outside. Slap that motherfucker on your graham cracker and chocolate square, top with the other one so your marshmallow and chocolate are sandwiched together by graham cracker on the outside. You do this with your freshly toasted marshmallow because ideally it will be hot enough to start to melt the chocolate so it sticks to the marshmallow and the graham cracker and, combined with the gooey marshmallow, it keeps the whole thing together, and for that reason some people will let them sit for a hot second to let the melting process happen (especially if like me you have chocolate on BOTH graham cracker squares, not just one, because you're a sugar fiend), but if you are a young child you do not have that degree of patience and you eat that shit immediately, unmelted chocolate and all. Consume your summer camp delight like a tiny club sandwich, get gooey sticky marshmallow and chocolate all over your hands, and enjoy.

The first is that you don't pull the marshmallow off the roasting stick and somehow put it on the chocolate. Your staging area will look something like this, with the graham crackers and chocolate already set out (though not usually on the fire like this, for us it was always someone's lap or a picnic table or something)

And when your marshmallow has reached appropriate roasting perfection, you use the graham crackers to slide it off the stick.

and ideally, as a CHILD you are using a literal stick. Like you walked around and spent time looking for The Perfect Stick off the ground while the adults set up the fire. It has to be thin enough the marshmallow will fit, sturdy enough that it won't bow, long enough that you won't burn yourself roasting your marshmallow. And preferably doesn't have a lot of bark that's sloughing off, OR so much bar sloughing off you can peel it all back and get to the clean stick under it. If you're smart, you might stick the tip into the fire first to "wash" it/burn off anything that was still lingering, but. well, most kids don't.

When you bite in, the marshmallow and chocolate SHOULD ooze out all over you. If you don't kinda look like this eating it, you've probably done it wrong:

You find a spot, not above all the logs where everyone sticks their marshmallows by default, but at the heart of the fire. Ideally between a couple logs already glowing gold. Something like here:

Below the leaping flame. Near the logs. There's probably only one or two spots good enough for this on any given fire, but that's okay because everyone else is up above. They will get their marshmallows faster. They will be either firm or burned or both. That's not your goal.

Rotate the marshmallow slowly. Ideally come in at an angle so the part closest to the flame is the side, not the tip. The spot closest to the fire is the spot that turns a crispy golden brown, and you want that everywhere, on the tip and around the circle.

You keep going, slowly turning, for several minutes. Several people will rotate in and out of the higher sections, getting their fast delight. Eventually, your marshmallow will start sagging badly, risking falling. Maybe it does fall and got start over. But eventually it will be golden brown all over, and so liquid it no longer clings to the stick. It is ready, finally.

You say "who hasn't gotten one yet?" And deposit it onto their waiting graham crackers and chocolate. You've made an excellent marshmallow. It isn't for you. Get another while you're over by the bags and go back to the heart of the fire.

That's your evening. One, slow, perfect marshmallow at a time, given to whomever still wants s'more. You're making art for children to stuff into their mouths cheerfully. You're watching the movement of the fire and the heat of the logs, like you would if you were maintaining it — maybe you would be, maybe you were the one who built it — but right now that's not the goal. Let someone else put more logs on, while you take only the one stick and find the best spot for it to live.

You will, eventually, finish a marshmallow and find that nobody moves to accept it. Maybe they're all eating right now, or maybe they've gone through so many they're hesitating. Eat your masterpiece then. Enjoy it, the hardest and most perfect result from a fun and beautiful moment. Go back in for another, until you've run out of marshmallows and the fire is too low or until even you are done with s'mores, until you have made enough.

Left is MY FIC, right is the ACTUAL BOOK QUOTE IT WAS INSPIRED BY

(Mask context: masquerade ball / cinderella au)

It has been doing numbers EVERYWHERE and I only found out from this lovely person who commented on Ao3: