boop.

I was a child puppeteering

a woman's body

piloting what should and shouldn't be

a woman.

Behind my eyes,

younger me shoves another handful of chips into her mouth.

She yells like shes watching the superbowl,

" I dont know?! Thats what it says in the manual. Just do it."

Sex a broken pipe

and I-

with my plastic wrenches

and Bob the builder's tool box

was a little piece of heaven

then I left it in my bed with you

fully clothed

and spilling the truth

You were

my home

and I merely visited.

A final destination

lasted no longer than

a ghibli film

off in search of your little piece of heaven

you took mine with you

and all I could do

was wave.

the only place she allowed herself to be happy was in her imagination.

Blood red and eerie

I swear it's just normal trees drenched in

the blood of thousands and thousands

of ruminating thoughts

that mock

and massacre my brain-

billions upon trillions of neurons

beating me into submission

"Be better"

"Do better"

Lashes upon lashes

" Faster, Faster! "

The red forest listens to no one.

I fight for the chance to close my eyes

I sleep in O-

I drown in a stream of my own calculations.

in a tub half filled unable to cover my waist

what a waste

of hot water

just to soak my hair

in hopes it will untangle

the knots I made

out of strands of hair or thought

out of fear or not

I wait

for answers

or more water.