I'm going to reframe this with a different example in case it helps anyone who is still struggling with the above conversation and feeling frustrated, since "being an abuser" is quite a scary thing to think about for yourself and that might be getting in the way a bit.
Hello, I have ADHD. It gets worse in the winter, because then it's compounded with seasonal depression. Even with medication, there are days and weeks where I am so paralyzed by executive dysfunction that I struggle with doing basic self-maintenance tasks like feeding myself or showering. I will lie there in bed, feeling very hungry and wanting to eat, but the thought of having to cook is so exhausting and "complicated" that it sometimes brings me to the point of tears.
In this state of being incredbily hangry (never a helpful baseline to start from), it is very easy to condemn myself: "You're so lazy. Ugh. Why can't you just DO IT? What would people say if they could see how lazy and disgusting you are? Just go cook something! You bought the groceries! Those are going to go bad if you don't cook them and eat them, and then you'll have wasted money too! Get up!" Turns out that is not a great way of getting myself to change my behavior. I will feel worse and more guilty, and my way of dealing with that is [checks notes] Avoidance. Thinking of anything else. And then I'm stuck in bed and i'm still hangry and now my blood sugar is crashing and oh noooooo All Is Lost, Catastrophe, The End is Nigh, Ragnarok Is Coming.
What IS more effective is to practice self-forgiveness: "[gently, warmly] Hey there, buddy. Y'know, you do need to eat, and being hungry won't help you feel less cranky. Listen, it's okay if you're having a hard time today. But guess what? Remember you got those frozen meals as emergency rations exactly for days like this? That'll just take a minute or two to toss in the microwave! AND you can wear your cozy slippers as a treat when you go down to the kitchen." And suddenly I am sitting up and rolling out of bed. (And forgetting my slippers on the way to the kitchen, bc ADHD, but y'know what? That's okay too.)
Forgiving yourself for being an abuser, as the above discussion describes, does NOT mean saying to yourself, "Haha, it's no big deal that I hurt people! It's water under the bridge, whatevs. #yolo Also??? I'm great, actually. I am innocent of any wrongdoing, ever. Pat myself on the back."
It COULD mean saying something more like, "[gently, warmly] Hey there, buddy. Yeah, you did a bad thing and you hurt people. But we still gotta be here on this planet and interact with other human beings, right? We gotta continue to wake up and go to work and put one foot in front of the other and have relationships with people, which is already hard even without all that guilt and self-condemnation you've been carrying around. But y'know what? You've learned a lot about yourself and a lot about what not to do, and you'll be able to catch yourself if you notice a bad habit coming back, so now you can do better next time, right? Right! Being a good person is hard work, but everything that's worth doing is pretty hard, I think. And besides, you're stubborn as hell, so you've already got the most important tool for that project. Great start! What's the next step?"
Forgiveness isn't about forgetting the past (that's why the phrase is "forgive and forget" -- they are two separate, unrelated actions). Forgiveness is just setting down the huge heavy burden of guilt so that you've got two hands with which to carry a roadmap of the past that can help guide you toward a better future.
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