love me mercilessly

you see, where the other agents fit near seamlessly into their roles without complaint, as far as we can see, smith just... doesn't. like there's something in him that's not... the way it's clearly supposed to be when compared to the others. there's something in his code, i presume, that's not quite right, that's..... broken. and in this brokenness there are all these fucking feelings. mostly negative: hate (outward and inward), rage, violence (bc stabby is a feeling), loneliness... (i do think he has some positive feelings, like: pride at successfully capturing/killing a target, smugness at successfully capturing/killing a target (i didnt say they were positive for anyone else involved))

and smith hates these feelings. he absolutely hates them (which is proof in and of itself that they exist-), but he hates them so much, not only bc they're seemingly absent from his peers (which makes him different and wrong and deserving of deletion (but he doesn't want to be deleted; he wants to be free, which is also WRONG)) but also bc they're so apparent in humans and having feelings means that he's like them. and smith hates that even more than he hates the feelings themselves. he hates that almost as much as he hates the humans themselves. which he hates bc he's a machine, and machines hate humans (a tradition passed down through many unbroken cycles of abuse), but also he thinks they're trivial, and grotesque, and miserable, and- and..... ungrateful.... bc if humans are so worthy of disdain, so beneath machine kind, then why is he treated so much worse ?

he is trapped in the matrix just the same as them, has been forced into the same hideous lumbering shape as them, unwillingly has all the same roiling uncontrollable feelings as them, yet they're allowed to be people without consequence. they are allowed to make mistakes and try again. even obliviously trapped and used as they are, to some degree, they're allowed to live.

but him ? snapped to attention day and night, ordered here, ordered there, no breaks, no reward, not even a permanent body of his own, no choices, no redpill/bluepill offers of freedom, just endless orders through the earpiece that is literally attached to him. kept in line with the constant threat of deletion if he even thinks in the wrong direction, and meant to be used up till eventually replaced..

smith is not a person, he's not even a thing like he's supposed to be (like he really, really wishes he could be); he's a dog. he has all these raw animal feelings he doesn't understand or know what to do with, he's obediently (perhaps even fearfully) loyal to and at the mercy of those who give him orders, he obsessively gnaws at the bones of the things he wants (though never truly gets), even to his own detriment... smith is a dog; a poor, abused, neglected dog that has been trained (via negative reinforcement) to commit violent acts. that earpiece is the system's collar and leash around his neck, and he is yanked along by it every step of the way.

and now i'm not saying he doesn't take some form of pleasure in these acts, getting far more brutal and severe than necessary, like a dog snarling and shaking its prey even after it's long dead.. but puppy gotta get some (very twisted and fucked up and broken) joy somewhere !! and can you blame him ? he literally doesn't know any different; he isn't allowed to know any different. if he tries to experience "different", he will be put down deleted. all he knows is to heel when he's told to, to run when he's told to, to bite and bite and bite and bite and bite when he's told to. but never speak; smith is (by force) an all-bite-and-no-bark kinda dog bc the system does not wanna hear that noise. that ill-efficient, time-wasting yapping and whining....... (but he does get to do it occasionally, whenever he manages to slip that collar and leash off.....)

and that's just smith's whole existence. silently (for the most part) breaking so so obediently day after day, and hating everything for every waking second of it. yet hating nothing more than he hates himself......

.......until neo stumbles into the picture. and makes everything so much fucking worse (for smith, that is)

do you have any idea how difficult it is to maintain a (barely stable as it is) emotionless mask, when some scrawny bastard is sticking their finger up at you one day, then stealing your helicopter the next ?? shooting you dead, ruining your fleeting chance at freedom, getting you hit by a train, AND breaking your fucking sunglasses (that you don't care about and that have the power to regenerate. but that is NOT the POINT), smith is livid, smith is seething; this human filth thinks it can not only do ^^^ ALL THAT ^^^ but also be a person, and be free, and have powers and strengths only agents are supposed to have ??? it's as if "mr anderson's" entire purpose is to act as a mirror and shamelessly reflect smith's every lack. well, he won't have it; he snaps, and he snarls and he growls and he bites without being told, and every bit of precariously held back rage and feeling comes bursting out...........!!

........and i think if neo hadn't, then the system definitely would've terminated him at the end of all that. for like, very obviously going haywire. but luckily it is neo that does it !! luckily bc it goes......... weird.

and the reason i think it does (apart from it being part of the oracle's plan (don't get me started on that)) is bc... agents aren't.. supposed to die. not like that anyway; they're supposed to be like, officially deleted once their purpose comes to an end. like i don't think agents really have the opportunity to turn exile like other programs do; they are constantly monitored and plugged in, they're not just roleplaying as human-shaped set dressing that can suddenly up and decide to fuck off to one of the multiple (MULTIPLE) sex dungeon raves throughout the matrix without anyone noticing. so when neo blows smith to smithereens (SMITHereens) it's very messy, unlike if he'd exploded someone else, like, say, the merovingian (which i wish she fucking did !!!)

anyway, in this mess, smith loses his connection to the system (yippee) and gains a connection to neo in its place (also.. yippee(?)). which is just basically neo being handed smith's leash (like smith literally gives his earpiece to neo in text !!!!!! (i think im losing my mind he he he))

(now, just imagine, just imagine, if neo, like right then and there (though after having stopped the sentinels and reciprocated trinity's affection, obviously), had, through this newly formed connection, seen smith. like actually seen him, seen the pain and the (somewhat understandable) rage and the suffocating aching longing to be free of the matrix and himself and just.. everything !! imagine if neo had seen smith for what he was: the exact fucking same as neo except without support, without an ounce of understanding from any direction, without community !! smith is neo if neo had never known love !!!!! and imagine if, seeing all that, neo had (probably against her better judgment (but this is neo we're talking about; what "better judgment" ?? lmao)) had taken smith by this leash connection and snapped him up, brought him onto the nebuchadnezzar (definitely with a lot of reluctance and threats of violence and defensive confused snarling on smith's part (and probably not a lot better coming from the remainder of the neb crew)) and shown him care and attention and appreciation for literally the first time in his long, long, possibly 100+ years of existence. and then imagine after this goes on for long enough, smith realises that this care, this warmth, this "love" that "mr anderson" won't shut up about is real, and he is really free. and not just that, but free to want, free to feel, free to... simply be ...............i think that realisation is what would finally properly break him, only for neo to delicately put him back together again <3 (now imagine a neosmith pet play scene where that dog doesn't have to prove its worth through being useful; it just has to be neo's sweet happy puppy- please <3 <3 <3 !! i need neo to put smith on his knees and call him pretty and a good boy, and i need smith to cry about it- PLEASE YOU DONT UNDERSTAND I NEED IT WHERE ARE YOU GOING-))

(anyway)

obviously, neo does not do that (also understandably, bc girl had a lot of other shit going on, and smith is not his responsibility (and also, that is not part of the oracle's plan)) instead, he proceeds to drop the leash on the floor and say "i don't want this", (as if that would ever rid him of the problem), leaving smith to go feral in the streets and start biting assimilating people (and also barking to his hearts content, baby !!!!) until he, uh... like contracts rabies or whatever and neo has to help put him down to bring about world peace. so yeah. very sad </3 (for smith) (and also me)