Tornado's Tale

At this point I've heard so many opinions and gotten advice, (both wanted and unwanted) from so many people that I think I have reached a saturation point.

Love... is not easy. I never knew it could become so damn complicated even after 1.5 years together. What I'm doing right now.. if my people knew, or if any normal person who just started dating someone new heard about... I think they'd probably say I'm stupid or blind.

I won't say I'm blind in love. It's nothing like that. I know myself enough to understand that my eyes are wide open. And also that even if I do listen, sometimes I don't register it or understand the magnitude of things. I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be better. In every way possible, but for now, more so they way she needs me to be.

Is this what not letting go and trying to be better even a bit feels like? When you don't completely understand the situation or even yourself but you want to keep trying because in your heart you know that this is exactly what you want?

I think so. I really do. And I definitely know this is exactly what I both want, and need.

and nothing says i love you like your eyes, fill my lips like Carbon dioxide...

maybe you were wrong and i was right. I don't care what you say another night, i just wanna be myself....

I was very happy at first. So happy that I could not process anything but happiness. And so glad, oh I was so damn glad. Then it slowly started sinking in that things are better but all might not be perfect just yet. Things were not perfect before either but at least I didn’t feel or realize that there was a cliff that I could fall down. Right now, even though I might be a mile behind that point, it feels like I’m teetering on the edges of that cliff.

You told me that you couldn’t continue this anymore or didn’t want to because what if we did get back together but then you eventually stopped feeling anything for me. I feel like it’s sort of already began or I’m just so anxious that I take every small thing as a step in the direction of you losing the love you felt for me.

It feels like one small misstep and I will fall down this cliff. One small mistake and I will be back at the point I thought I was going to be forever.

I do not understand what exactly do you feel for me now. Or, for that matter, what you think when you hear my name, or the emotions that bubble up inside you when you think of me. I’m scared each moment and I don’t understand what you feel. I don’t know what exactly it is but your texts feel like they’re just there to show up and get the job done. I don’t know if it’s a conversation or an update or something else.

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I haven’t felt this soul-crushing anxiety in a while. I don’t even know the last time I felt this anxious. I sort of realize now why I went as cold as an icicle when you said you were breaking up with me the first time. Maybe I subconsciously knew that if I got emotional, I would also be a huge wreck. Maybe I was on autopilot to save myself without even realizing that I was trying to do so. As far as I realize, that is the only reason I didn’t so vehemently oppose what you said then either and was trying to find logical ways to go about it.

I was building mental walls to keep the hurt away for as long as I could. But then, there are no walls now. There’s just me trying as I hard as I can and not having any idea about what I should do or how I should it. What is too much and what is just right? I don’t realize.

This uncertainty of not knowing how you feel is what is gnawing away at me, and I can’t do anything about it. You say you love me but you said that even when you were thinking about breaking up with me. Don’t get me wrong, my love. I love it when you say you love me and it does reassure me. And I’m reassured even more so when you say you’re not going anywhere. But, I don’t think you’ve said that exactly, maybe another version of it though.

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I love you, My lil bear. I’m just scared as well, because I love you as I do. And my fear of losing you almost went from a nightmare I never had to my reality.

Things will change again, but this time not for the worse;

Things will change again, and it might not be beautiful; 

Things will change again; though I never wanted them to;

Things will change again; though not in the way I wanted them to;

Things will change again; though I didn’t want them to;

Things will change again; and I’ll find a new way;

Things will change again; and it’ll definitely be confusing;

Things will change again; and it might put me into hyperdrive;

Things will change again; and I might finally find my peace;

Things will change again; no matter how much I yearn for status quo;

Things will change again; and maybe I’ll love you less;

Things will change again; but a part of me will always yearn for you;

Things will change again; and they already have started to;

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I came back home today and my sister asked what happened near my tattoo. I told her that an insect bit me and the wound was healing. She later said that she thought it was a burn from a cigarette for a moment. Quiet perceptive lil sis, but your brother’s a wiz at bluffing. So, it didn’t take me much time to convince her and then easily change the topic.

Over call I used to tell my sister that a lot of things are happening and I’d give her the details when I got home. Well, I am home now but I can’t give her the details because I don’t want to relieve each of those moments again.

I’ve wanted to smoke since the last cig I finished when I reached Jammu. I haven’t smoked yet, and hopefully I won’t for any of the days I am here. Did sleep till the afternoon though, and also binged. Is this the next bad coping mechanism? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I was just glad that I was home and could eat proper food for once. 

Also, yeah. My asthma is acting up again. Breathing is a bitch. And my inhaler is in my bag which is in mom’s and sis’ room. Can’t wake them now cuz sis has her IT board exam tomorrow and if I know on the door Yuki will start barking her fuckin heart out. It’s good that I don’t have severe asthma and just the mild one. Seems less threatening but asthma is NOT COOL. Severe or mild. 

I have finished binging all the 5 seasons of Lucifer and sleeping all the other time as I now have just 2 days to finish my Constitutional Law assignment which I thought I’d do with a lot of effort but here I am.

(1) making a lot of THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID jokes and THE TITLE OF YOUR TEXTAPE.

hey. So yep, there’s these two friends of mine I haven’t properly been able to talk to in a long time. Originally I thought that if my college re-opened after Corona maybe we’d talk face to face and atleast get to know about where we stand now? 

There’s a lot of history and even if I want to talk to them I have no idea at all about how to approach them? I don’t want to assume anything about what they are thinking and nor am I going to. But the fact is, I have no idea about how I should approach them and I don’t want to be an utter mess in talking to them even though I think and I know that I’ve improved a lot from the person that I was.

Today was not good. It was slow, sad, tiring, made me feel helpless, I lost a teacher whom I might have not liked personally because maybe I didn’t really know him but I always acknowledged how amazing of a teacher he was. He was actually the main reason I opted for Sociology as my hons. subject in my B.A. LL.B. course.

Things didn’t really get much better either. I found out cause I forgot to turn off the lights of the car when I took it out to get groceries the foggy Sunday morning and that drained the battery of the car. But oh! That’s not the part that sucks! I didn’t really care about the car not working, I didn’t really have anywhere to go did I? 

The thing  is, i went with with my sister to feed the stray pups outside out apartment today and we saw that one of the pups’ legs was hurt. I might have felt sad and depressed for a few days. But nothing hurt me more than this. I wanted to take her to the doc at that moment cause dad’s car was there but I couldn’t because the vet wasn’t open then. And I called Parth if he could help with taking her to the vet. He said he would but then he remembered tomorrow is aunty’s birthday so she might take the car out too meet her friends and stuff. He said he’d come if he could but I’m not really counting much on that. So that, people, is how it really really sucks when it’s my fault the car’s bbattery is dead and I can’t take her to the vet on my own tomorrow.

I was reading about self-defence from my Criminal Law syllabus and after I noticed ,y mind had gone into overdrive and began thinking non-stop about said situations I realized that I’d been staring at one single paragraph for atleast 30 minutes without even blink or maybe blinking a little. The fact is, I didn’t notice shit.