tori

"And he gave it to me for free, Bob!"

I (37 J) met my ex-wife, Bryce(38 F), for breakfast this morning to discuss the state of our relationship and the possibilities of several accidental extramarital pregnancies (it's been complicated).

Some backstory: I had recently had an unexplained episode of vomiting after sharing wine with my lover, Kermit (ageless, muppet). I was given mouth-to-mouth by Batman (38 F), who had broken into my apartment to save me, somehow aware of my plight. She stayed the night to make sure I was okay, and in the morning, she briefly had an episode of vomiting herself, which she explained by telling me she was pregnant. This led me to two horrifying conclusions:

1. I had gotten Batman pregnant via mouth-to-mouth CPR

2. I myself must be pregnant, as I had also had unexplained vomiting the night before

This was the reason I had to meet with Bryce (also pregnant), to explain that we now had 3 children on the way, rather than 1. However, as I started to explain the situation, she cut me off.

"I'm Batman." Huh???

"And you weren't vomiting because you were pregnant. Kermit poisoned you. That's why he's been missing. He's hiding from justice. He's hiding from me."

Reddit, it was at this point I lost it. To hide such a thing for so long? Batman, for context, is a notorious muppet-hater, and I, for context, am something of a muppet-lover. She was throwing the objects of my affection into Arkham Assylum, right under my nose! And now, she was baselessly accusing my own love of poisoning me, which he would NEVER do. Kermit the Frog is a good man, and a passionate lover.

I had entered a Joker Rage in the Bob Evans and had jumped on the table next to us, howling and kicking the shit out of the biscuits and gravy, before I realized I needed to calm down a little. It was too late. Bryce was crying, and she got up and left (lowkey dining and dashing!) I called after her, but she never turned around. I don't know reddit. I was in shock.

I completely ruined breakfast, scared the staff and customers at the Bob Evans, and brought my pregnant ex wife to tears. But I feel my reaction was justified because it was such shocking news. I mean, how could I have known she was Pregnant Batman all along????