Toni Spencer Art

Anyone who has actually spent some amount of time with me over the past five or so years will probably have noticed a difference in me. What marked a massive change was actually during the COVID-19 lockdowns in Scotland. I’ve always struggled with some things throughout my entire life, but I had mostly learned my way around being a human, or at the very least, making it look like it. It would become very obvious (to me) that most of that learning was observational and then practised unconsciously for almost 40 years. And then lockdown happened, and all that learning, and all of the coping strategies I had in place went straight out of the window! I could barely function within just a few weeks. At one point, I was so frustrated and incapable of being that functioning human, I ended up on the phone to a GP begging for help. Something was wrong, but I didn’t know what it was, although I had my suspicions. The GP agreed to initially assess me for ADHD, and by the end of that 20-minute call, she had also agreed to refer me for an actual assessment for diagnosis. That whole process was long and highly stressful. It took around 18 months, not counting the 30-odd years of me asking questions about it and being brushed off as Depression and Anxiety.

Anyway, I did get an assessment with the ADHD team, and I was subsequently diagnosed with ADHD and started taking medication (which was an absolute godsend!). I had been painting again for about two or three years by this point after taking a very long and unexpected break. Ironically, it was those lockdowns which saw me reach for the paint again… Around this point in the story (roughly 2022-23, but I don’t remember exactly when), I was studying art again at a local college, and for one of the ‘blocks’ in the course, I decided to base my studies around Burlesque.

I’ve pretty much always been interested in burlesque, mostly for the outfits and the glamour, really - at least to begin with. My project at the time was exploring expressions of gender and sexuality ,so it was a good fit for what I was working with at the time. About 10 years previous to this, a friend from High School had been talking about doing some burlesque in her local area and how much she enjoyed it. This sparked an even bigger interest on my part, but I had no way of exploring that then. I didn’t know anyone - except for my friend who lived over 150 miles away - so I didn’t think too hard about it, though I did make a note about learning more if the opportunity ever came up.

Fast forward to Spring 2023. I was having another tattoo by the absolutely gorgeous and super talented, and skilled Debay Miles, and we got chatting. I have a tendency to zone out a bit while being tattooed, but I also like a good natter with someone else who just ‘gets’ me. Seriously, Debay and I have had some of the weirdest conversations while she draws on me! Anyway, we were talking about performing. Debay (as well as being a smashing tattoo artist) is also a burlesque performer… I have been involved in theatre and music on and off for almost 40 years (which is terrifying if I think about it too hard! I’m still 17 in my head!), and, prior to the lockdowns, I was part of a small theatre company based in Paisley. Lockdown ended that pretty quickly, and I hadn’t found anything else at the time.

I had mentioned that I hadn’t been acting or doing anything like that for a few years and that I actually really missed performing. “Maybe you’ll find something else,” she said. “Yeah,,, Maybe…” I replied, not feeling very confident about it, but at least I was open to the idea. Maybe something would come up at some point. And then something actually did come up!

A couple of days or so after Debay and I had talked about it, she’d posted on her Instagram account about a Burlesque course her friend was running in Glasgow. I thought about it, and for a brief second or two, thought it may not actually be for me. I have a disability that impacts my mobility and balance. I’d had a small stroke when I was born, which has basically meant I’ve been a bit… wonky… for my entire life. Thanks to surgery and years and years of physio and occupational therapy (the latter, I hated with everything in me), I can do most things, and unless you were paying very close attention, you’d probably never notice anything. But it does limit me from time to time, especially with anything physical.

But then I thought, “Why not? It’s worth a try, even just once,” and emailed the class teacher. And she was lovely! I was a bit apprehensive during that first class. And uncomfortable! It was freezing in the venue! I thought I’d be OK once I’d moved around a bit and ‘warmed up’, but no. It was so cold it was painful. But I enjoyed it, so I went back the next week, and the next, and the next… It was fun. Challenging and frustrating, but fun. And I took every short course after that until the Summer Show when I’d finally built up enough confidence and spite to do my first solo performance. It actually took me three rounds of classes to get to that point. I was still studying at the point, and I just didn’t have the headspace for anything else, but I still went along and did what I could. And made friends with some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met in my life. More on them later…

I did my first solo in August of that year. And another for the Hallowe’en show. I was taking medication for my ADHD, and it was actually helping me loads. We did an impromptu Christmas Show that year (as in the class teacher said, “If I booked the venue, shall we just put on a show anyway?”), and I was excited to get started again in 2024. And then disaster struck.

The ADHD medication shortage, which I’d known about for several months but hadn’t had it myself, finally got to me. My meds were nowhere. No pharmacy had the dose I was taking, and what was available couldn’t be made up to the dose I was on - the dose that was working really well for me. And I went from 50mg to 0mg in a day. It was awful. I went from a mostly functioning human to someone who couldn’t even remember to eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t focus on anything for more than 90 seconds (I’m not even exaggerating. I wish I was.) And there was no alternative available to me, either. I just had to get through as best as I could (which wasn’t very good at all to begin with), and I was terrified.

Prior to starting ADHD medication, I had hit absolute rock bottom mentally and emotionally. I was drinking heavily, and it got so bad that New Year’s Day (2023), when I woke up in a friend’s house, alone, hundreds of miles away from home, hungover, and hurting. I’d hit my rock bottom hard. Alcohol had been my crutch for too many years, and it all hit me at once. It was what I turned to - at first - just to slow down my brain enough to rest at night. Just a couple of glasses a night. Enough to sleep. And then, slowly, it was what I did when I was stressed, scared, bored, nervous… I drank half a bottle of gin the day I got my rejection notice for the Glasgow School of Art. The chance of getting accepted was slim to none to begin with, but I still hoped anyway. I drank most of a bottle of gin the day I accidentally smashed over £200 worth of art supplies on the floor of a bus on my way home. At my friend’s wedding on New Year's Eve, the groom said, “We bought all this wine. It needs to be drunk!” - and I took that as some kind of personal challenge and made a serious dent in the leftover bottles of wine. It probably didn’t help matters that the only people I really knew at the wedding were my friend and her immediate family, so I was also drinking away the nerves and anxiety of being in a massive room with a lot of people I didn’t know. And waking up in the newly married couple’s house, alone, and hungover to Hell was my wake-up call to sort myself out. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself; otherwise, I would spiral out of control, and I’d never get out of it. So, when I got back to Glasgow a few days later, I made the decision to stop drinking. I had to anyway, I reasoned, because I’d be starting new medication soon, which would mean it wouldn’t be wise to drink alcohol. And I haven’t had a drink since 5th January 2023. It sucked that first yeat, but the second was much easier. I’m now a little over four months into Year Three. There are still times I think about having a drink, wanting a drink, feeling like I need a drink, but I haven’t. I am proud of that. I really am. But I think it’ll always be something in the back of my mind that I won’t ever completely shake off.

So, when January 2024 came around, my medication suddenly stopped, and every class for burlesque ended in a meltdown. I ended up taking a break from January 2024 until the summer of that year when I finally felt a bit stronger (even without medication at the time) and basically decided “Fuck it. I enjoy it, go back!” and I did the Burlesque Showcase that September. It was hard, and there were still times when I thought that maybe I had come back too soon, but I did it, and I was once again really proud of myself for pushing myself enough to do it - even if it was mostly out of spite (to myself) that got me through it!

But something still felt “off”. I wasn’t really feeling like myself. I was struggling creatively, too. Painting became something that felt a bit like a chore, even though on the other hand, it was something I couldn’t not do. I really had missed performing and that little buzz I felt right after the show was good and I liked it enough to keep coming back, creative hiccup be damned!

And then came the Hallowe’en show. The rehearsals were hard. I felt betrayed by my own body. Why wouldn’t it do what I wanted it to do? Because I am a disabled person, there will always be something I cannot do as well as I’d like, or at all. My body just cannot do it. I have to be OK with being limited. And I am, most of the time. It’s just a fact of my life. There are things I cannot make my body do, no matter how much I want it.

My concept and act for the Hallowe’en show was a challenge and really different performance-wise, even for me. Once I had my song choice down (and really, the song found me. It just gave me enough of an idea to run with and work on). I had quite a specific vision for my act. I knew what I wanted to do, what story I wanted to tell, and how I wanted to tell it very early on. And it all worked perfectly in my head. I just couldn’t get it out physically, or visually - something that was tangible and something an audience would understand. It was so frustrating - having an image in my mind and not being able to make it a reality.

My song choice? BloodMagic - ‘Death / Rebirth’. And I’m not joking when I say that the song found me. I have had a playlist on Spotify since the early days of my burlesque journey - for inspiration, to play around with, improvising, etc. I don’t know if anyone else does this, but for me, having the same songs in a playlist on a loop after a while it starts to sound very ‘samey’ and isn’t working anymore. No new ideas come up. That’s when I shake things up by removing a bunch of songs and adding songs in at random. The idea is that if it doesn’t work, you can just take it back out again. Nothing’s lost. And one day, towards the last few weeks or so before the September show, I’d done just that - removed songs, and added some back in without even looking at what they were. And then I forgot about it until the following week when I was walking to rehearsal and a song started playing - a song I didn’t recognise. I listened harder, trying to place it before realising it must be one of the newer songs. So I listened even harder. And barely a minute in, I stopped in my tracks, in the middle of crossing a road… and narrowly avoided being run over by a car! In my defence, if I have one, hardly any cars actually come around that corner on a regular basis (and I did check before crossing, I promise!) and I didn’t exactly plan on being so stunned I couldn’t walk! But it worked. Suddenly, my brain was absolutely buzzing with ideas for ‘something’. And it kept coming. This does happen sometimes, but it’s not a very frequent thing for me, not like this. And it can happen anywhere, but typically for me this comes from music, literature, and spending entire days in an art gallery. But it’s still quite rare for something to move me the way this has.

I made it to the venue in one piece (finally!), went straight onto the internet to find out more about the song that almost saw me squished by a car. I made some scribbles in a sketchbook (that I almost always take everywhere with me, just in case), and got into rehearsals for the show. I could think about the Halloween show another day!

And because those initial ideas were so strong for me, and the vision I had was so exact, I tried to choreograph my act so tightly to try and get it how I envisioned it. And it just wasn’t working. It worked in my head, but for some reason, trying to translate that into a movement, a gesture, etc., just wasn’t happening the way I pictured it. And it drove me nuts! I knew what I wanted, so why couldn’t I just make it happen? I had multiple meltdowns, I pulled every damn muscle bashing things out during rehearsals, and I cried for weeks. I even considered not doing the show - I had nothing to show anyway. But that was swiftly rejected. Since I made my debut, the only reason I have for pulling out of a performance is if I’m too ill to do it. And I wasn’t ill, just stuck. I had to push through it and figure it out. With about two weeks to go, I finally said “Fuck it!” and simply immersed myself in the music as much as possble. I even fell asleep with it on a loop! I had to know everything about it inside out until it became something intuitive and instinctive. And that was the point when it all started coming together.

But it broke me, over and over! I think it had to, really, as difficult as it was. I really learned a lot about myself as an artist and as a performer. I’ve learned that, as an artist, I really have to live in it, immerse myself in it, until it becomes part of me. I learned a lot about my practices and my processes as an artist and performer. But I had to be broken first. It was tough, and there were definitely times when I was tempted to quit, and a lot of those early weeks were horrible. I am, however, grateful for it - and like I said, I learned a Hell of a lot in doing it. The night before any show will always have me questioning my sanity and why the Hell I get myself into these things, and why the fuck does nobody stop me?! But those times are necessary, too! I mean, you do have to be a bit mad to be an artist, right?!

For a while now, I haven’t felt very much like myself. But by learning and continuing to learn and perform burlesque, I think I’m finally starting to find more of me, about who I am as a human, as an artist, and as a performer. I still have some way to go but it’s a great start!

At this point, I want to say thank you to some people.

Firstly to Miss Behave (Dani) for accepting me with an open heart pushing me to just try, for the encouragement, for the mantra “Fuck it!” when things get tough, and for the love you show every single one of your students. I miss you very much.

Secondly, to my burlesque babes that I’ve met along the way. I love all of you so much, and I’m so glad I met you. You teach me something just by being there every week in rehearsals. I love performing with all of you! Let’s do it again, yeah?!

To Debay, for drawing on me, for the weird and rambling conversations, and for basically introducing me to burlesque and to everyone else on this long but wonderful journey. I just love you and you are a beautiful and wonderful person.

To Tootsie - I have learned so much from you, too, even in such a short space of time; thank you for pushing me even further, for the creative freedom to try out whatever weird idea pops into my head! I love learning from you! You are one of the best humans to ever exist, and I am so grateful for the patience you have shown me - even when I stop rehearsal asking “What the heck am I supposed to be doing with my leg?! I don’t get it!”

To Jamie Bower. I suppose I should thank you for breaking me…! But also thanks for the inspiration. That act was the hardest, most challenging one I’ve ever done, and probably the most rewarding to perform. Thank you also for the hard lessons and for pushing my creative boundaries. I needed them, I just didn’t realise how much. And I learned so much about myself - as a person, as an artist, a storyteller, and as a performer.

To Edinburgh. Specifically, to the wonderful art galleries in Edinburgh. Whenever I feel creatively empty or simply just to refresh my brain, I like to take myself off to Edinburgh for the day, just to wander around a gallery until they kick everyone out! And to my crow friends in the gardens beside the National Gallery in Edinburgh, where I share my lunch with them - I like to think they remember the lady with the sandwiches and scrambled eggs!

I'm not even joking, And a lot of it has happened in a really short space of time. Sometimes this is a good thing. At the moment, though, I'm just tired. This week week I started my community art classes. To be honest, I feel like l might have made a mistake with the timing; it's the Easter holidays and lots of people tend to go away for the holidays. It was quiet (due to the aforementioned holidays) and I expected that, but it was a nice chill kind of evening for the first one. Two people turned up but we all had fun playing with ink and drawing with materials you wouldn't normally draw with. It was a little messy but nothing too crazy - which was nice because clean-up was chaotic! I have ADHD (I've mentioned that before. ;) ) so I didn't have much of a strategy when it came to tidying, cleaning, and packing things away. I tried to do multiple things at once... and there were a few moments when I found myself standing in the middle of the room with a random object in my hands and no clue what to do next! This week I have plans to play music during the class and have folk listen and interpret the music with shape and colour... after a spot of colour theory, that is! I'm also hoping a few more people turn up, too. I still expect it to be a little quiet - because it's still the Easter holidays - so I'm keeping everything crossed that things pick up soon. And then on Thursday I performed at the Burlesque student showcase. The theme for this one was called Decades of Decadence - a quick snapshot, if you will, of the history of Burlesque through the decades. My act was based on the 1980s - purely for the music. I chose Kate Bush - 'Babooshka' for my song, and I tied it to the story of Die Fledermaus (The Flitter-mouse, or The Bat) - an operetta by Johann Straus II. The narrative of both Babooshka and Die Fledermaus are quite similar, really. It was an idea I had for last Halloween's show, but at the time I thought it was too niche for my audience. My dance teacher - and my fellow burlesque babes - convinced me to have more conviction and belief in my ideas so I went for it. And it was the best decision ever because this is my new favourite act, and I hope to be bringing it back soon... More on that another time when I have more info, etc. I decided to stay in the city at a nearby hotel for the night. Because I don't live in the city centre (or anywhere that close to it), I've previously left shows carrying a whole heap of stuff, racing it to the train station to try and catch the last train 'home' (and it doesn't even stop at my local station). To get out of the station there's a load of steps off the platform and then a load of steps down to the street... It's usually way past midnight, in the dark (and often cold/wet), and I'm further away from my house. I basically decided I've done that enough times already and it sucks, not to mention I've almost tumbled down those steps too many times for my liking, so I booked a room in a hotel. It turned out to be the best decision because it's a) easier, and b) the bed was huge and very cosy... Until I was rudely awoken at around 4AM with horrible cramps in my legs. That'll teach me to stretch properly after a performance! And I had a most delicious breakfast! I'm definitely doing that again! It's also kind of nice to make a proper 'thing' out of a performance/show day. Makes it extra special, you know? Today, I am 'noodling' in my sketchbooks and planning for the class on Wednesday. I've had two naps today - unplanned, but I obviously needed to sleep a bit more. I'm hoping to be back to my normal self tomorrow. It's been a busy week - but the good kind of busy. I'm sure once things settle and become more of a routine, it'll be less tiring. Here are some photos of some of the wonderful art that was made during the first class.

Today has mostly consisted of buying art supplies ready for my classes. And a box of pencils cost me almost £50!

There are now 12 days until my very first class. I'm both excited to actually start and a little... Nervous, I guess?

As a performer, I know that nerves are normal and actually, for the most part, they're a good thing. A little nervous feeling can fire you up just enough before going on stage. But at the same time, it's not exactly fun, is it?!

I keep wondering if anyone will actually turn up. Will I have enough supplies for the month? What if something goes horribly wrong before or during a session? What if everyone hates it (and me) and they never come back or bring their friends?!

And fifty quid for pencils! Granted, there are slightly more in the box than I technically need so they should last me a while, and it worked out cheaper than buying them individually at the exact amount I needed (so, all things considered, a bit of a bargain), but FIFTY QUID! FOR PENCILS!

I'm excited, yes. But I'm also still in a sort of state of panic. I'm in full Planning Mode, too. I even bought the prettiest and most colourful note book for all of my plans for each class. I'm hoping this makes me calmer as the days pass and the classes begin.

Why am I doing it? I have to keep reminding myself why I wanted to teach art in the community. It's because I truly believe that art is for everyone. Everyone. Learning anything creative has been proven over and over again to be good for people - good for their minds, their souls, and their general health and well-being. And because it's fun.

Because I am firmly of the opinion that fun is good for people, too. Fun isn't just for children and pets, it's for everyone. Things are allowed to just be fun.

I mean me. I do this.

I start my very first class in 16 days. I should be excited. And I am, I guess. But I'm also second-guessing myself and well on my way to convincing myself that I don't have a heckin' clue what I'm doing.

In response to this ridiculous notion (because deep down I know it's absolutely ridiculous) I have been devouring every basic tutorial and making what feels like a mountain of notes and small sketches of pretty much everything I know. Just to try and convince myself that I actually do know how to make art - and teach it.

As well as all that, I'm finalising (or trying to. I keep changing my mind about costume and choreography) my burlesque act... Which I'm performing on the 10th April. The day after my first class. I know, my timing is terrible and a little hilarious. Because, if you actually know me in the real world, you'll also know that I have zero concept of time, more specifically, the passing of time. Honestly, I don't think I could have possibly made anything more stressful for myself than this, right now.

Sometimes I amaze myself. And not always in the best way.

This year will be my 8th consecutive Solo Christmas. And my 2nd official Sober Christmas. Since 2017 I have ‘done’ Christmas by myself and, while I’m still figuring out a few things here and there, I have sort of found my groove, so to speak. For some of you (or perhaps people you know) this may well just be the first time you’re on your own for Christmas.

Those of you who know me in the ‘real world’ will probably know that since I became an official ‘grown-up’, Christmas Day is actually quite boring for me. Christmas Eve - I love it! I have thing I do almost every year (as in, I do it where I can), I virtually have the same routine every December 24th:

* Get up. * Panic because it’s Christmas Eve (there’s a story there. Maybe I’ll tell it one day). * Throw some clothes on. * Race to the shop. * Buy all the golden syrup/sugar/bicarbonate of soda/parchment paper… or all of the Crunchies (Daddy Spencer and I used to call them Fridays… iykyk…), digestive biscuits, and chocolate that I can physically carry/not get in trouble for in the shop. True story: I was once questioned at the till in Morrisons as to why I had so many bars of chocolate. * Get home as fast as I can and make my almost-annual Honeycomb fridge/tiffin/chocolate thing. I make as many batches of honeycomb as I can (I average around 3). * Dinner/supper is almost always cheese and crackers while I watch The Nightmare Before Christmas and then The Muppet Christmas Carol while I chop up and weigh my chocolatey creation and put it into as many small bags as I can fit it into, before popping the whole lot into a big bag to hand out to people at church Christmas morning - until it’s all gone.

And then comes Christmas Day… I really do find it all kind of boring. I don’t really know why, but, like I said, since official adulthood, I’m just not that into it. And don’t get me started on how much I loathe New Year’s Eve/Hogmanay…

Anyway, almost eight years of practice has meant that I have actually found a few ways to cope with the boredom of a solo Christmas. Please don’t misunderstand me, though. I actually quite like my own company - I always have. It’s not a bad feeling to be bored. Some folk just handle it better than others.

Here’s how to survive a Solo Christmas, Spencer-style!

1) Put up a tree. It doesn’t have to be a huge one. Mine is really quite small compared to some that you can get. Obviously, mine is a Rainbow Tree. If that’s all you have space for, that’s cool. I might put some wee lights up around the flat but it’s nothing massive or over the top. Just enough to brighten the place and chase away some of the Seasonal Affective Disorder/winter depression. The rest of my ‘decorations’ is a tiny soft/stuffed toy dinosaur with a Santa hat on, and the lovely cards that I get sent.

2) At some point in December, I highly recommend watching Scrooge (the 1970 musical version with Albert Finney) and eating cheese and crackers. In fact, throughout December, watch all the Christmas films you can. I also highly recommend Arthur Christmas (always the first one I watch), The Nightmare Before Christmas (even if it is a Halloween film, as confirmed by Danny Elfman), and Santa Claus: The Movie - the one with Dudley Moore as Patch the Elf in it. Hot chocolate suggested. With cream (vegan, in my case. Cream decided it hated me when I turned 40. Rude.)

3) Buy your favourite foods. I do love the festive foodstuffs. I even once ate a whole plate of Just Vegetables and Gravy for Christmas dinner one year. Do you fancy chicken nuggets? Get some chicken nuggets. If you wanna eat a whole cheeseboard or three between Christmas and New Year - do it!

4) Buy a whole dessert for Christmas Day supper. Again, if you want to eat the entire thing - go for it. It’s your Christmas! Enjoy as much of your pudding-supper as you want. Just don’t make yourself ill. It’s not actually worth it.

5) Make the most of the internet. I am usually found - at some point during Christmas Day - under a blanket, a tub of chocolates within very easy reach and a nice cup of tea while watching a variety of films on whatever streaming platform has what I want to watch. If you have a TV or a nice collection of DVDs and something to play them on, do that. If you have a Twitch account, I can guarantee someone somewhere will be live-streaming something on Christmas Day. I personally love the Art category on Twitch, but I do also enjoy watching someone yell at a game of something. You can just ‘lurk’ and watch, or (depending on the streamer’s settings) join in with the conversation in Chat.

6) Buy yourself presents - and wrap them. If you’re anything like me, once you can’t actually see it you’ll forget what it is anyway, so it’ll still be a nice surprise. I’m serious about this one. There’s something fun about unwrapping a gift, however ‘old’ you are. Treat yourself. It could be something you need (like slippers or maybe some cosy pyjamas) or just something nice that you fancy (like that book that just came out, or perhaps tickets for a day out somewhere). I often buy myself some new art supplies and maybe a book or something. You don’t have to go overboard spending money on things but do treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it.

Yes, yes, I know it's been a while, and I would fall back onto my typical (and often true) reason/excuse of forgetting about Tumblr... but the truth is actually far more boring. I had nothing to share. I'm sure I've mentioned previously - at some point, at least - that I often have a million-and-one things in my head. Pinning down an idea is something I find really difficult. And I don't have a tutor (or really anyone, for that matter) to properly bounce ideas off and have someone understand me and help me find a path to follow through it and try to organise my thoughts. But a couple of weeks ago, I picked up a sketchbook I haven't touched in a while: The sketchbook I started last year that was meant for some of what I affectionately called Spooky S*it. It started off as a general sketchbook for a variety of spooky things - the things that have always fascinated me, even as a small child. Over time, it sort of became a bit more focused on Witchcraft and the History of Witchcraft and Witch Trials of the past - almost entirely by 'accident', for want of a better phrase. And Scotland had a particularly grisly part to play in the history of witch trials and the treatment of people accused and found guilty of witchcraft. I kind of started with the Renfrew Witch Trials of 1697 - it's become something of a special interest of mine over the past 5 or 6 years (give or take). I've been researching a lot (and I mean a LOT) about the history. I also, by extension, looked at the Salem Witch Trials (which are sort of linked to the witch trials of Renfrew) and how one of the accused and subsequently executed "witches" - Rebecca Nurse - was born in the same small town in England as I was. I'm slowly - and rather forcefully on my part - trying to pull myself out from the Whirling Vortex of Doom of Research and starting to put some proper ideas down for some final paintings. For some reason, I always think that the more information I have to hand the better prepared I am to start painting - and it very rarely actually works out that way.

I'm really not very good at remembering I have a Tumblr account, eh?! What have I been up to? I've been planning and replanning and stressing out and getting overwhelmed, mostly. But I've also been painting and drawing a bit more frequently. I'm still hopeless at remembering to photograph things, though. I have too many ideas for things in my head and I get stuck on which ones I should do more of, etc. I still don't have much of a cohesive body of work. It's all a bit chaotic, really. It's tempting to do stuff I think might be popular but then I have things I want to do just because I want to do it. But then I have to explain stuff to people who really don't care about art, they just care about how much money I can make - which is a trap, I know, but it's also difficult to avoid if you're not careful. I'm hoping to start teaching properly very soon, though. Which will be fun. I just need a venue. And I need supplies. And students, obviously. I've also been doing a bit more perfomrer-y type stuff. My next Burlesque show is next week. No, I'm not prepared and I have to grab the last of my costume stuff tomorrow. And then the hallowe'en Burlesque show, panto, maybe a Christmas-sy Burlesque-y thing?! Who knows? Maybe. Could be fun, eh? I guess I'll keep you posted... in about three months! Anyway, here's some of my recent work.

Sewing some detail on the crow. 2. Pen and water-based ink sketch of an abandoned house somewhere in the U.S. 3. Original drawing of the abandoned house without the ink wash. 4. First three layers of crow painting. Before the sewn-on detail.

I haven't been too well recently. It started with an allergic reaction (e-cigarette vapour, passively) which gradually turned into a chest infection... Manageable but annoying. But that left my immune system open to a battering from a head cold. I don't know if I perhaps accidentally and unknowingly had gluten from something I ate, but it's possible... And I felt a bit... Bleh... for a few weeks. Which meant that I didn't really do, or feel like doing much art. But recently, since I started to feel better, I found myself playing around with my sketchbooks again. My ADHD medication has been stopped for now (long, frustrating story!) and I've been finding it very difficult to concentrate on anything for more than about 90 seconds. So, in a rare moment of being able to do anything at all, I did this page in one of my sketchbooks.

The roses were done by tracing and transferring the image with tracing paper and a nice, soft graphite pencil. I then used some water-soluble coloured pencils to add colour and then blended the marks with water and a paintbrush. Once that was dry, I traced and transferred images of the two portraits in the same way. The one in the top left is of Jamie Bower as Christopher Marlowe (from the TV series 'Will'), and the smaller one in the bottom right corner is from the supposed portrait of Christopher Marlowe. With a selection of fine-nibbed pens (waterproof ink), I first made a simple line drawing to outline the portraits and then used cross-hatching to add detail and texture. The effect is similar to the one you'd get with Drypoint etching. I didn't want to lose the roses behind them so I made my marks as light as possible but still getting the values from the photographs. There are not many of them in the portrait that's supposedly of Christopher Marlowe (artist unknown) so I had to add some where there technically aren't any. As for the jacket, I switched the colours so I wouldn't obliterate the rose behind it. The rose was chosen because the rose features in Marlowe's poem - The Passionate Shepherd To His Love - which is one of my favourites. The point of the piece? Well... The first portrait is of an actor playing a role (in a series that isn't particularly accurate) with the second portrait of someone who isn't Marlowe at all either. We don't know who it is - but we can say for sure that it isn't Christopher Marlowe! Neither portrayal or image is accurate - which is an idea that is kind of fascinating to me. The images were originally taken at the very start of one of my last big art projects. I was working with ideas around the theme of concepts of truth, reality and theatre. I have so many copies of these images! I have a habit of ruining them before I'm finished with them and then need more of them, so I quickly learned to print more than I could possibly need - just in case! The final page ended up a bit scratchy, but I actually like the effect, personally. I'm torn between buying a little printing press so I can actually make some small drypoint etchings. But a good fineliner pen is a reasonable substitute... for now!

Somehow time has passed in what seems like a blink of an eye and another year has gone. Is it just me, or does time move faster the older you get? Anyway, yes. Another year has passed. This one was very different to the last one, though. It's been one year since I stopped drinking. One whole year free of alcohol. It's a weird feeling. A year feels like it should be a long time. In many ways, it actually is a long time. But, like I said above, time appears to move faster the older I get. And now a year has passed since day 1 of not drinking. A little over a year ago, I woke up at my friend's house, a few hundred miles from my home. I'd barely slept. The night before was their wedding day, actually. The morning after was New Year's Day. I was OK but tired but I knew a hangover was coming. The groom had made a point earlier in the night before that "the wine needed drinking because we've paid for it!" I'd somehow taken that, not only as an instruction to help drink wine already paid for but as a personal challenge. I've known for years that my relationship with alcohol has been nothing short of destructive. But, for a long time (too long, really) I'd convinced myself that I only drank socially or for special occasions. At one time or another, that might have been true. But it hadn't been the case in quite some time. I drank when I was stressed or anxious. I drank when I was upset, angry, and frustrated. I drank in situations I didn't know how to handle - like being with other people. I drank to shut my brain up or block things out. I drank to cope with new and unfamiliar situations. I drank half a massive bottle of gin the day I accidentally smashed £200+ worth of art supplies when the box holding it all snapped on the bus home and sent the whole lot crashing to the floor. I drank the evening I'd applied for art school when what should have taken me a couple of hours at the very most actually ended up taking six hours. I drank when I couldn't sleep and my usual drink of a small but strong coffee hadn't worked fast enough. I drank when I was bored... But it sucked. I had bruises and cuts I couldn't explain after a night of drinking. I had a constant fear of What Did I Do?, and seeing the texts from the night before, and the night before that... And nobody likes a hangover. Imagine dealing with that most days! Granted, it wasn't every day of the week, but it was more than it should have been. Lucky for me, those years in Theatre proved handy, eh? I hope you can sense the sarcasm. But today, 5th January 2023, marks one year sober. Has it been good? No. Mostly, it's sucked.

Has it been good for me? Yes. I don't miss the hangovers, the unexplained cuts and bruises, or the What The Heck Did I Do? feelings when I finally sober up.

There have been good days, sometimes several in a row (which is nice) but it's still always in my head. I don't know if that will ever go away. And I still miss the dopamine buzz. Overall, though, it's probably the best decision I've made in a long time.

I guess I sort of forgot about this place again. Whoops. Since the last time, Panto creeps ever closer. In fact, the first performance is Friday 8th December! [Insert panicked screams and tears]. It'll be fine. IT'LL BE FINE. Right?! As of today (it's almost 10pm here in Scotland) I've been busy making props for the pantomime. Wait... Everyone knows what Pantomime is, don't they? Oh, yes they do... ;) But, just in case someone hasn't been introduced to the wonder that is Pantomime, let me explain as simply as possible. Pantomime (Panto) is musical theatre specifically aimed at family fun. It's usually a thing families (and people who just love panto and musical theatre) enjoy around Christmas. For some, it's a tradition. There are jokes for the kids and there are little puns and jokes here and there specifically for the adults. And there's music - almost always songs that everyone knows (or variations of them - depending on the story, character, etc, and how relevant they are. The 'Dame' is typically played by a man (ours isn't!), there's a Principal Boy - who plays the male lead/hero and a Principal Girl who plays the female lead/heroine, a 'Baddie'/Villiain (that's me in our panto!), at least one 'henchman'/evil sidekick, a 'Good Fairy', and a character who's role is to spend the entire show making a mess, being very silly, very friendly and interacts the most with the audience. And then there are lots of other people - who are very important - who sing and dance and act in the background as the Ensemble/Chorus. It's a lot of fun, lots of silliness, and audience interaction is very much encouraged. Phrases such as "Oh, no I didn't" and "Oh, yes you did!" are very common; the Villain gets booed and hissed at every time they enter (I am very much looking forward to that!), and everyone goes home full of sugar and giggles (hopefully). I've inadvertently ended up being the one making all of the props that can be made. But it's all good. I enjoy making stuff (if that wasn't already obvious!) Today, I added glittery Mod-Podge to the Fairy Wand. And I'm about to start a prop involving newspaper, a stocking, and tape... And I'm waiting for the arrival of a wooden pole and a massive polystyrene ball. I expect to be covered in glue and paint very soon. Exciting! If you're in/near Glasgow, Renfrew on the 8th or 9th of December, consider coming along and showing us some love.