Sick Sad World

A Professor of mine, did once told me, that every generation has ‘it’s thing’, the 60s the sexual revolution, the 70s disco and rebellion, the 80s drugs and so on, and my generation would be generation depression.

I would like to differ, I don’t think we are generation depression, then then would be assumed that depression did not exist before our generation. Of course that's rubbish. 

Rather, we are generation mental health. We are the first generation that speaks about these kind of problems. We try not to be ashamed of it. Doesn't mean we're very good at it, but we try. 

there won’t and never will be something like a peaceful revolution.

It’s pretty easy, I will survive my loneliness, my bordness, my crying, my depression, my lagerkollers - but if I go outside, maybe others will not survive. It’s as easy as that. And suddenly the choice is quite easy. 

I thought, I could write everyday a little something about being in quarantine. Maybe it takes a bit of the fear some of you guys may have of being inside for weeks. Because, let’s be honest I was pretty scared of it.

It’s now my fifth day in full quarantine. This means that my doctor and the health department (they are responsible for these matters in Germany) say I can no longer leave the house. The two weeks before that, I was allowed to leave the house to go to the supermarket and take a walk and stuff like that.

It get’s easier with time. Because the days become wobbly and I walk a bit through them without any feeling for time anymore. It’s a bit weird. Of course they are days where I get really annoyed and angry and sad. In german that’s called Lagerkoller. The google translator tells me in english it’s called cabin fever but thats sounds not right :D.

My personal problem is also, that I’m a social worker, and normally right now I should help people, and be there for them. I feel so useless all the time. But I try to tell myself, that I help because I am inside, and as long as I am inside I can not harm anyone. It’s just hard sometimes. 

And also: I cried a lot the last weeks. 

I mean, I’m a person who works normally three jobs and also goes to Uni, I didn't spend so much time with myself since.. I don’t know. Maybe never. It fucks with my head and my mental health stuff that’s going on.

But it’s okay. Nobody said it is going to be easy. And it’s fine. I cry. So what? I’ll get over it. Because it's not about me, but about risking the helpers and the risk group as little as possible. So I stay at home. I cry, I watch Netflix, I sometimes scream into a pillow and talk to myself every now and then. I will survive, but when I go out, others may not. The choice is pretty easy.

I’m in quarantine for three weeks and two days now, two weeks of which were voluntary. I've been in forced quarantine since last weeks Friday.

I struggle with depression and panic attacks for as long as I can remember. I generally have them under pretty good control, but I also don't normally spend weeks with myself.

I am certainly not the only one who is now in quarantine or self-isolation and struggling with panic attacks, so I thought I would explain how to recognize them and what to do so that they do not take over the whole day:

I'm starting to dissociate - My eyes get out of focus - I get fears that have nothing to do with reality, such as the fear of an allergic reaction or an irregular heartbeat.

That's when I realize I'm about to have a panic attack and I try to get into a routine process:

1. if I’m still able move, I throw cold water in my face. Cold air or light pinching into the skin also helps me. External stimuli help bring you back to the here and now.

2. If that no longer works, or if I can't find any strength for it, I look for direct help. Right now these are my roommates. They just talk to me, or tell me, why my fears are irrational. 

3. Simple things like playing Candy Crush also helps me sometimes.

If none of this works anymore, there are still two ways for me, either, like a budgie to turn off all the lights and simply sleep, because I know it will be gone in the morning or I surrender to the panic attack. It literally feels like the end of the world. There is nothing more terrible to me than a panic attack. But the fear of the fear only drives me more into it, so I try to greet the panic attack and not give it more space than it already has.

When the panic attacks happens: Try to breathe calmly and regularly. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Generally, twice as long out then in, this helps to prevent you from hyperventilating. Try to get help if you need. <3 

Afterwards the chance is high that you get really cold and you are going to be tired very soon. Thats normal. Nothing to be afraid of. Everything is going to be alright. You are going to be alright. 

It's going to be a tough time, especially for us people who struggle with mental health issues. Right now it's important that we protect as many people as possible, and if that means I'm alone with old fears, I'll take care of myself as best I can, but the priority is somewhere else at the moment.

And if everything gets too much, repeat in your head: No one has ever died from a panic attack. Nobody has ever died of a panic attack. It passes. It passes. It passes.

Stay at home. <3 

Take care of yourself <3

I have been in quarantine for a week now because I am most likely covid positive. I've also suffer from depression since I was seven. One gets along too well with the other, I can promise you that.

Since I'm certainly not the only one, where the one is bumping into the other, I thought I'll tell you how I try to deal with it:

1. I make a todo list for every day and try to work through it.

2. I try to maintain a personal structure so that I cannot sink into a depression hole.

3. I do 15-30 minutes of exercise every day so that I can move my body, start the circulation a little and maintain a positive body feeling.

4. I shower afterwards. Showering helps me a lot.

5. I spontaneously started looking for new indoor hobbies. I'm crocheting now. I try to keep myself busy so that I can't spend too much time with my black dog.

6. I'm looking for contact. I talk a lot on the phone, Skype, work from home, sit down with my roommates in the evenings.

7. I cook as freshly as possible, even if it is very appealing to run a junk food quarantine.

It's going to be a tough time. Nobody says it is not. I know how privileged I am right now, with an apartment, secured income and outside the risk group. I do what I can to ensure that other people are not in danger. That is just the priority. And after that, I try to be able to go out again someday, without being in a big depression episode if possible.

Stay at home if you can, you protect the helpers and the risk group. Together we can do that. Stay safe. <3

I’m in quarantine since last Friday. I'm okay so far, I haven't been tested yet but it seems like I'm positive. My colleagues have to keep working and I feel extremely useless. (Also in Germany I get paid without any consequences, so my livelihood is secured)

The nurses, doctors, postmen, cashiers (...) do a fantastic job and I thank them so much for it, but let us not forget that our profession is also one in which we:

a. will most likely be infected and b. suddenly it becomes quite clear that it is not just a job.

We are one of those people who still have to get out and go to work in these current ghost towns, who rely on public transport and who are not allowed to flinch when a client coughs. We are the ones that other people rely on, even now. We are system-relevant and that can be very scary. At times when most of us would probably prefer to hide at home, we have to go out for others (and also get paid really badly for it). 

As a colleague who now has to sit at home and simply can do absolutely nothing, I say thank you. You are awesome. I usually talk a lot about self-care and that when in doubt it's about yourself. But that's just not possible at the moment. All that is possible is the thought that it will not last forever. Let's just take it, one day at a time. We can do this, if we stick together and help each other. It also means that everyone who can stay at home stays at home so that people like us can get as safely as possible to work.