Puolikas Ihminen

I've been watching a fair bit of the American show "Hoarders" over the past few days, starting just by chance. But it turns out I think I needed to see it, because even though I don't buy a lot of things, I haven't let go of most stuff I've ever owned, which is actually insane. And quite honestly I relate to a lot of the anxieties of these people about letting anything go, which is quite concerning because one of my grandfathers was a hoarder. Not to the extent you see on these shows but he was nonetheless, and I don't want to get like that at ALL. Being a sad spinster is probably inevitable, but I don't wanna do that surrounded by shit like the poor bastards on this show. I cling on to stuff because fucking everything makes me sentimental, and being sentimental make me feel less lonely I guess. But those feelings can get in the way of growth just as much as physical items do eventually. I'm already fucking sick of tripping over everything and not being able to access things easily as it is.

Just sifting through an old art folder on facebook that I privated years ago after setting up a public page, and I was upset to see how nasty I used to be to myself about my work. I refused to even refer to it as art, calling myself "lazy" and in dire need of improvement, and the folder description was literally "just some of my failings as a person". I remember it was meant as a joke but I definitely also believed it. I was a teen when I made most of the art in this folder, and I'm seeing it again through fresh eyes at twice the age I was, and I can see some of it was actually insane quality for someone of any age let alone a kid. Most people cannot draw at all, so who the fuck was I comparing to when I slagged off those mad skills? Why the fuck was I so INSANELY hard on myself? Who and/or what the fuck could have pushed a teen girl to be so fucking hateful to herself? And literally all it ever did was hold me back. I am the walking proof that bullying yourself does not make you better. At anything.