garbage

Ray girls are like "you are a god of music, you are the most beautiful and stunning man I have ever seen, you are a blessing from the heavens sent to serenade us all" and Frank girls are like "I want to kick him garfield style off a cliff then throw him in a tupperware and shake him around" and they both feel the exact same way towards them

NDA stands for Non't Dalk Aboutit

the new nuclear family is 1 transgender caterwauling freak 1 ventriloquist dummy and 3 uncles

saddest thing that can happen is a cat so delicately and cozy putting their small apple head on your leg like a pillow to sleep while fully unaware that in like five minutes you're going to get up to go eat because they don't know human language or how time works

well maybe you should blearily wake up at 5:08 in the pre-dawn light and find the sleeping soft tiny mammal body of your cat just inches from your head like a miracle too beautiful for speech, and you should rustle one hand out from your blankets to rub fingertip circles across the warm eggshell dome of her little velvet-wrapped skull and on the bristly patches just where the cups of her ears begin, and as she inclines her head into your fingers and purrs without ever opening her little eyes you should feel a love so tender that you understand how that love could have reached out from the fireside into the inky spangled nights long gone to reach her, and then you'll feel better

a kitty is like a stuffed animal that is so heavy and it bite you and she loves you so much and you're best friends

"kung pow penis," a phrase commonly used in reblogs to indicate utter disdain for OP, has twelve letters, each of which (traditionally) must be supplied by a different user. the unanimity of disdain indicated by these twelve unrelated users has strong parallels to the requirement of unanimity for a jury—also traditionally of twelve—to arrive at a verdict. in this essay i will

K

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About your Pears.

Did I ever talk abt the time i was at a bdsm club and one of the pups was on all fours and barking and being cute and the dom on scene was like “hi puppy! Do you do any tricks?” And he said “I can beatbox!”

I was like. Doubled over incapacitated laughing the entire time. He was really good and a big sweetheart and I felt kinda bad but I couldn’t stop thinking “why the am I getting the beatboxing puppy unskippable cutscene at the bdsm club”

when i use !!! it’s like i’m barking or wagging my tail

!!!

Fuckers in my notes like "oh it's because of the jets duh" as if it isn't just objectively funny to have a plane and "since 2001" on your picks when you're THEE 9/11 band