aerie

Jack with his too-fresh-grief, who was ready to become a fiancé again just after 11 months since he started dating Robby, and that was only 14 months after mourning his late wife.

Robby with his love, dedication, and desperation to keep his best friend and brother-in-arm afloat after the first time they found each other over the railings of the hospital roof.

Maybe it was his unwillingness to let go and be left behind again that pushed Robby to the conclusion of marriage. Because of course, Robinavitch, what better way to keep a grieving, passively suicidal Jack Abbot with him was to put another ring on it?

Jack was a man of control, or at least he liked to be one. So with so many responsibilities as a fresh attending, he couldn’t let this emptiness from her face haunting him every time he had a hard shift.

Which was a lot of them at the Pitt.

So seeing the other love of his life, even back when it was only a “bromance” that she liked to teased him for, went down on one knee in Jack’s living room, took out the ring, said the four magic words, and Jack was saying yes before the other man finished his question.

It was time to move on, anyway. It had to be. She would have been proud of him, would have wanted it for him. She would have.

At the same time, Robby wanted, no, needed to prove himself to Jack that’s he wasn’t another 3 months itch for Robby, but it was too quick, too much.

Because it also fucked with them both since they had to hide their marital status.

Sure, their kind of marriage was legally recognized a few years ago in ‘04. But they had to fly out of Pennsylvania to make it proper between themselves. And with the positions as the new attendings at the PTMC, they couldn’t afford to make their lives inside and out of the ED to be compromised.

Close friends and colleagues knew they were involved with each other. But the rings they put inside their wallets to be secured away inside the company’s lockers was a secret kept only for them.

It was probably why Robby tried so hard to make Jack felt loved regardless of their circumstances.

Jack saw the love bombing patterns and resisted it at first, even the more genuine acts of care. He kept feeling that he was betraying her. But then Robby felt betrayed too because he was actually putting himself into this relationship this time, so he pushed harder.

And Jack bit back, a lot of times too harshly, the old wound never even had the chance to be bandaged, let alone scarred. But whether his reactions stemmed from grief or just simple common sense and self respect, they have hurt each other and the self-fulfilling prophecy was fulfilled.

Then Jack was filling his time with police radio and Swat works, too busy to remember about feeling anything.

While Robby’s itch only became worse because after seven weeks, he remembered it was around the time he wanted to propose to Jack after they first started dating.

Now more than a decade later, after Covid, after Adamson, after Pittfest. After the sabbatical. After reconnecting with Jack for a brief while before that. Robby came back to Pittsburgh and into the home of his once-again best friend.

Well, it wasn’t after after the sabbatical, more like a month of enjoying the wind from the outside world on his bike. Robby reached his breaking point when he was torn between deciding to admire the purple-orange-pink sunrise on this mountain cliff for a little bit longer, or to enjoy the cool wind that would be rising from below him if he took three steps forward now.

Instead of calling Jack, his shaky fingers pressed on the Whitaker name in his contacts.

The R1 kid that pulled him out of similar sink hole even back when he was only a fucking student.

The same kid that he left his house with, knowing that even if he couldn’t let Dennis care for this sorry excuse of a man, then at least he could still let him take care of something that belonged to Robby.

Robby knew he can get a little possesive of the things he loved.

It was the same way with Jack. Is the same way still.

Robby knew the familiar patterns of his itch now, and he knew how that itch could make him see the hope at another day for himself in Whitaker. He knew how fast that hope would fade purely from enduring the life of his line of work.

No matter how real that hope might have seem like. No matter how stronger it felt in Dennis as he got to know the kid better, how much more intense it got than even Heather, even Janey.

It felt too much like the hope that Jack gave him all those years ago.

So he retreated from the kid. Kept safe distance.

It wasn’t enough. It never was. Not with Jack then. Not with Dennis now.

So he gave the keys to Dennis to watch the house for in his place until he came back.

Because then even if he couldn’t tell Dennis the feelings he had for him, at least he hoped the kid could feel his love when he stayed over at Robby’s, maybe on his bed.

A safe, platonic place to rest.

Just what Robby would have wanted to give Dennis with himself if he wasn’t such a depressed coward.

But it seemed like a coward he remained, because the second that he right foot touch the edge of that cliff, he took two steps backward immeadiately in cold sweat and fumbled for his phone to call his Jack.

But it was Dennis’ voice that rang through his speaker. Oh, well.

After telling him the jist of the last five minutes and ask for some advice, he quickly hung up on Dennis before the kid could get half a word in. And just. Stood still.

That silence were broken not ten minutes later by another call. As he put the phone up again to decline, he saw Jack’s name blaring right back at him.

And he pressed ‘answer’.

So now he was inside Jack’s doorstep, after a very stern command to go back to Pittsburgh by tonight or Jack would called out of shift early and fly out to get him that same night.

When he got there, some of his clothes and hygiene products were already there for him to use tonight.

He assumed that was Jack’s doings, but when Dennis entered shortly behind him with more supplies from his house, still in his hospital scrubs, and Robby knew he was in trouble.

Not tonight though, not when everything was still so fresh for the three of them.

Dennis went up to him and asked if he needed some help to put two months worth of travel belongings. Robby declined politely but he couldn’t help himself from touching the kid again after so long, big hands clasping on his shoulders.

Robby was pretty sure most of the things he wanted to say to the kid were understood if that expression on Dennis’ face meant anything. The man reached his hands up to hold Robby around his cheeks, thumbs gently caressing his beard.

Robby tried not to read into the actions. He failed. He wasn’t able to ignore the care that came from the touch, nor the heartbreak in Dennis’ eyes, like he lost Robby and just barely pulled him back in time into his touch again.

God, it reminded Robby too much of how Jack looked at him when he took care of the man when he was still grieving his wife. When Jack thought Robby would leave behind an adrenaline junkie hell bent on risking himself in the supposed name of “helping others”.

Back when Jack was the one worrying Robby.

“Go clean up yourself and get ready for bed, Dr. Robby. You’ve had a long ride. I’ll prepare the guest room for you.” And headed straight into said room before Robby could decline.

Before he could tell Dennis where to even go.

As he was processing the information and its implications, his head was wrapped around strong arms and pulled into the familiar warmth of Jack Abbot.

Then Robby felt hands petting the back of his head, right at the nape and Robby was a forty years old man again, coming back home into his husband’s embrace after a rough shift.

But the embrace went as fast as it came, and tired hazels stared back at him. The hand remained though.

“Listen to the kid. But when you’re done, come to my room.”

“No, Jackie, let’s not- let me just,“

“Please, Michael. You know I can’t sleep alone tonight after you pulled all that shit. Go brush your teeth. Then you’ll go straight to me. I need to see you at all time just in case you wanna run again tonight.”

Robby nodded, too wrung out to even go for a petty comeback.

When he caught Jack enveloping the back of Dennis, who looked like he just came out from the shower of Jack’s bedroom, rubbing circles on his nape as the boy’s shoulders shook slightly, he didn’t comment on that either.

In the end, it was Dennis who took refuge in the guest bedroom, having called Santos saying that he had to stay behind at Robby’s for reasons.

“Are you and Dennis… hanging out?” Robby said into the quiet room after he had settled beside Jack, both staring up at the ceiling.

“What, you jealous, Robinavitch?” Jack said with a scoff and let the snark stewed in for a minute before he continued.

“Jesus Christ, no, I’m not touching your favorite work-husband, Mike.” He sounded almost angry at Robby’s assumption.

“I checked on your house a week in so it wasn’t left behind for the mice. Bumped into him. Should have known you’d have left the house as a proposal gift and a damn suicide note. He called me, scared out of his mind because he thought he lost you. I almost did too. We talked.” Jack spat the last two words out like he was holding up swords and shields, ready for a fight.

Robby just shakily breathed out.

“He’s a good kid.”

Jack was silent. Then, “Too good for his sake. Too giving. Reminds me of someone I know.”

The longing in his voice, adoration laced in every word. Robby recognized it because he was the same way about the kid. It looked like even after a decade of separation, they still know each other all too well, dancing in tandem, mind, body, and soul.

And all he could respond to that was:

“…Yeah.”

Robby felt his hand moving up and down to the slow breathings from his belly. His other hand felt the warmth of Jack’s, calloused knuckles hovering near his, never touching. It didn’t need to, the heat alone was grounding him down enough.

Robby dreaded for tomorrow, when he would have to face Jack and Dennis eventually and talk about this morning stunt.

He wanted to get up and run away toward that cliff again.

He wanted to grab on to the both of them and hold on for dear life.

It seemed like they wanted to hang on to him like that too.

Robby knew that alone wouldn’t save him, that wasn’t how it worked.

Even if together they made him feel like he could be saved for real this time.

Remade into a man capable of reciprocating back the affection of two people who saw him at his worst so far, and instead of staying with him out of pity, they did it out of genuine love the man he was every time he got back up again. No matter how many time he fell before.

Despite him not being good or anywhere near tolerable even then. Maybe they loved him because of it.

He knew the works he would have to put in to be the version of himself that could loved them back.

But he was willing to do it if it was for them. Not the best reasons to ground the bettering-yourself desires on, admittedly, but Robby wasn’t a picky man right now.