wittwe kcalb

when i say “unfollow me if you support trump” im not saying it ironically. no, seriously, if you support trump then i dont want your disgraceful ass to be in any way associated with my blog. get out.

Yea, I won’t give up my morals for the sake of a few followers. Y’all Trump supporters can choke

Only a few who sort by new will see this. Here’s to the warriors who sort by new!

I love hanging out with baby boomers my mom was driving and we passed a “road work ahead” sign and obviously i have no self control so now she thinks I’m the funniest person she knows

i wanna be friends with a crow but i know that wanting it means itll never happen. theyre too smart theyll smell my sweaty palms

dammit i read this as “cow” and since ive already seen this post 3 times today i thought this was like, a funny parody version of this post for just a split second

Now I know I wasn’t the only one

my white friends that have reblogged this give me life

4. Sometimes I am a shitty white person and the jokes remind me to FUCKIN STOP

If ur white and like this post I fux with u

^absolutely

5. It’s hard to be offended when white people jokes involve bland food/tourist dads in socks and sandals/white girls in yoga pants obsessed with pumpkin spice/suburban PTA moms and other harmless and mostly true stereotypes while jokes about POC involve them being called thugs/criminals/slurs/uneducated/illegal immigrants.

i fucks with u heavy if ur white and you reblog this

6. They’re usually really fucking funny and don’t perpetuate stereotypes that will ever affect me economically, politically, or cause me any true harm, let alone create risks that “justify” my murder and/or death

Waits for my white mutuals to reblog😌

yesyesyesyes

If you don’t reblog I probably won’t like you as a person

White jokes are fucking hilarious cuz a lot of them are true😂

As a white person, I can confirm that we are freaking idiots sometimes (and while I happen to believe that all humans are freaking idiots regardless of race, gender, creed or sexual orientation, white people are preeeetty high up there on the idiot scale) 

Yeah. We’re a special kind of idiot. We’re like…idiot supreme. Extra strength idiot. 

((please reblog this as silent permission for me to rp with you.))

so in horror movies where flat tires stop people from running away…you can still drive with flat tires. it damages the tires and the wheels, and it’s not safe at high speeds, but you can still drive away from a raving serial killer. pro tip next time a knife wielding lunatic comes at you get in the car, you’ll be fine

well this would have been useful last night

See this is where people make the mistake. If the knife maniac is running straight at your car, SLAM it into reverse. You probably won’t kill them but you might cause some damage. Then drive. They’ll be stopped and you can get away, and maybe they’ll even be at the same spot to call the cops (and maybe the ambulance) on

what a top notch addition to an already excellent post

are we going to ignore the guy who apparently had an encounter with a serial killer last night

they lived to post about it, it’s fine

important psa about buns

We raised rabbits when I was a child and my sister gave a rabbit a bath (she was 5) and it died..so heed this instruction.

I wasn’t going to reblog this, but then I realized I might save a rabbit.

This is important guys. If your rabbit gets into something gnarly and you HAVE to bathe them: 1. Fill a bowl with warm water. 2. Get a washcloth. Put it in the water. Squeeze it out until it is just damp.  3. Lightly scrub the dirty area on your bun. 4. That is it. DO NOT get your bun wet. Only slightly damp on the part that was dirty.  (source)

VERY IMPORTANT! SAVE A BUNS LIFE!

Do not bathe your bun!!!!

IM HAPPY TO SAY IVE NEVER GIVEN MY BUN A BATH SHE DOES A GREAT JOB ALL ON HER OWN LIL HUN BUN

You shouldn’t bathe ANY rodent. No rabbits, guinea pigs, rats, hamsters etc. it’s unhealthy and scary for them.

I thought planned obsolescence was to prevent your phone from just suddenly turning off and never working again? Like it’s meant to be an “oh, my thing isn’t working, I should invest in a new one soon.” Kind of thing?? Like shits gonna break either way, I just thought this let us know like a month earlier than it would otherwise.

My mom had one vacuum cleaner all through our childhood. That first generation of vacuum cleaners was made to a very high standard because the companies were trying to convince people who had never seen one to buy them. Now, unless you buy the very high end models, they break in five years.

Can confirm, once helped my dad paint a client’s house interior and needed to vacuume after due to all the sanding we did. Dad’s shop vac would have taken us hours to clean since it was made for small messes and not whole carpets. Dad dug out the client’s home vacuum (with permission) which was this ancient heavy metal kirby from the 70s and holy shit not only did it still work but it had the strongest suction I have ever seen in a vac and it was that day that really hammered into me that planned obsolescence was A Thing.

Racist are gonna be walking around barefooted

Ruining racists lives and the things they love makes my day.

i’m back at my ancestral home (lowe’s) and I just watched a very burly man in a lot of flannel carry a potted orchid SO TENDERLY across the parking lot

A sentence that starts with “i’m back at my ancestral home (lowe’s)” has to work really hard to make the end of that sentence equally as amazing and by god you’ve done it

This was the must perfect Twitter thread.

I would love to quote from this thread but everything in there is so deliciously fucking quotable.

The American/Japanese cultural exchange is so pure and wonderful and I love it so much

And then what’s really great is Americans getting tattoos of Chinese characters thinking they mean one thing when they really don’t

lemme tell you..i have been in a grocery store in Japan and heard the unedited Get Low playin over the intercom..it was literally a Katt Williams moment

I was in a Chinese cafe one time and they had obviously put on their “fuck you” playlist. I mean, uncensored versions of Fuck You by Lilly Allen, Fuck You by Cee-lo Green, etc. No one else had any idea.

that last one got me holy shit.

“Shh, it’s alright,” the villain said. “You’re doing beautifully and I’m so proud of you. But that’s enough now. It was cruel of them to make you fight me - you could never have won. It’s not your fault.”

The ancient and powerful villain may have had a calm and gentle face as he spoke, but he was furious, not at the hero, but the gods for continually sending kids and teenagers to fight their battles.

Does anyone else have that one fanfiction that they’re dying to to write but it’s like, mega long and basically a whole universe, and then you’ve got head-cannons to go with that fanfiction and like fanfiction to go with that fanfiction an back-stories for every character and you get frikin’ feels about that universe and it’d be the most coolest thing if you could just be bothered to frikin’ write it.