Time and Time Again

While I was born in Kansas and am old enough to have watched Doctor Who in 1996, I didn’t actually catch it when it aired. At least, I don’t think I did. I have some hazy memories of seeing adverts or maybe parts of the episode. I also have vague recollections of watching Doctor Who on PBS, but it’s all a distant memory more akin to a dream by now. The point is, the first time I had ever endeavoured to watch Doctor Who, the show was already well into the Matt Smith era. So why start me on McGann and not Eccleston? Well, the answers are two-fold and simple- it was New Year's Eve, and it was a contained storyline. And honestly, my friend Mara chose right, because here we are today.

Recently, Big Finish did an advert referencing the Eleventh Doctor line about “the first face this face saw,” in reference to the Eighth Doctor’s original companion, Grace Holloway. While I love the idea of bringing back Daphne Ashbrook for some new audio adventures, I must protest, as the first face the Eighth Doctor saw belongs to Mad TV alumn Will Sasso, a fact which will never not fill me with a strange glee. I have always liked Will Sasso, and the fact that he’s part of the Whoniverse tickles me. It could be that he’s also part of another cult piece of media I love. That being the batshit insane Richard Kelly film Southland Tales, which feels depressingly more prophetic by the day. But there is something distinctly American about seeing Paul Timberman yell “Party on!” in our beloved Seventh Doctor’s weathered Scottish visage.

When I met Sylvester McCoy for the first time, I told him he was technically my first Doctor. He said, “Technically?” To which I replied that the TV movie was my first introduction to Doctor Who. As you should probably know, the TV movie doesn’t open with Paul McGann, but rather a wisened Seventh Doctor with a new waistcoat and a spiffing new TARDIS interior. Doing away with the sterile white and harsh lighting of the 1980’s TARDIS interiors, the Doctor finds himself lounging in a console room akin to a gothic cathedral. Now, perhaps I am biased, but this TARDIS interior may be my favourite of them all. It is equal parts cathedral, library, and observatory. And also one of the first indications of the direction the show may have taken.

The gothic look isn’t all that surprising. It was very hot in the ‘90s, with movies like Tim Burton’s Batman, The Crow, or Bram Stoker’s Dracula all using the style liberally. It was a time of Dutch angles of Dutch churches. This was a TARDIS console with autumn leaves littering the cloister room. If the Thirteenth Doctor’s console dispensed custard creams, the Eighth Doctor’s console dispensed pumpkin spice lattes. I’m pretty sure you could fix this TARDIS by burning a bit of sage inside. It’s no surprise that most of the Eighth Doctor fans you meet are often some form of goth or former goth. Whether they listen to Opeth or Bauhaus, they usually gather in flocks of eight outside a Pret-a-Manger to discuss “Chimes of Midnight.”

Another incredibly ‘90s element are the elaborate floor-standing candelabras. I don’t know what it was about the ‘90s, but those thin gold candelabras were everywhere. They always remind me of an RnB music video. Something that features a lot of windswept fabric and roses, the likes of which wouldn’t be seen again until Tommy Wiseau unleashed The Room upon the world. No matter how far the Eighth Doctor would have travelled through time, he’d never escape the 1990s, at least aesthetically. Had the show continued in this fashion, it would have probably continued looking like the music video for Seal’s “Kiss From a Rose,” and honestly, I kind of love that about it. 

Another indication of the show that may have been comes in the form of the opening sequence. And this is perhaps where some of the controversy begins. We’re given a bizarre sequence where the Master is put on trial and executed by the Daleks. I say bizarre because, since when do the Daleks put anyone on trial? They’re not so much “judge, jury, and executioner” as they are simply just “executioner.” We’ve seen Daleks ordered not to kill someone, and it’s like telling a dog not to eat the treat in front of it. It obeys, but the second you allow it, it’s going to annihilate its target. It’s unfortunate that one of the first lines in the entire film has already put off a portion of the audience. It’s the first of many unfortunate choices. Choices like showing a close-up of the Master’s eyes, which look like cheap contacts even without a 4K resolution. Choices like a very safe and uninspired rendition of the theme tune. And perhaps it was the culmination of unfortunate choices which killed any chance of further adventures.

Along with the confusing representation of the Daleks, we also hear their voices yelling “Exterminate!” in one of the biggest downgrades ever. Changing the vocoded Dalek voice for a more robotic mosquito voice is a mistake. You may like it, but you’d be wrong. In some ways, I’m kind of glad we never had to see those Daleks, though the Leekley Bible did tease a spider-like Dalek, which sounds badass. Hell, I even kind of like the idea of the Cybermen being called Cybs and taking on a more cyberpunk appearance. It reminds me of something you’d see from Annabel Jankel and Rocky Morton, such as Max Headroom or the ill-fated Super Mario Bros., and that’s sort of the rub when speaking about the TV movie. For all of its flaws, it possesses a spark of brilliance.

Our introduction to the Seventh Doctor is admittedly a bit on the nose. He’s surrounded himself with clocks. He’s reading The Time Machine. His sonic screwdriver rests inside a doctor's bag. But it’s the sort of cute stuff like this peppered throughout the episode which give it a great charm. For a product of the 90’s, it has a surprising lack of cynicism. That is, except maybe toward great American institutions like crippling medical debt and overzealous cops. There is an earnestness that is both effective and infectious, which is also the next Moffat villain. Copyright Donna Noble. The Doctor is having a little bit of hush while transporting the gooey remains of the Master back to Gallifrey. But gooey remains gonna gooey remain. The Master manages to slither à la Alex Mack silver puddle into the Doctor’s TARDIS console and mucks about with things. Which is interesting when you consider the ending, but let’s put a pin in that.

What happens next is somewhat coloured by my perspective as a person who has read The Eight Doctors by Terrance Dicks. You see, in the novel, the Master cheats death by ingesting a Deathworm. Hence why he’s able to slither about as a gooey snake, or Deathworm Morphant to be precise. But what’s even weirder is what we learn about the Seventh Doctor leading up to this moment. Evidently, he knew his time was coming, and he was starting to look forward to it. So in a way, when he opens the TARDIS door, which had literally just been pelted by gunfire, he was welcoming death. Wait, seriously, Terry? Jesus. Ok. I’m not sure if that’s better than the Doctor ignoring gunfire. You can’t tell me the Doctor didn’t hear that. It’s a weird way to take out the Doctor, but also not the weirdest way because he’s still not dead.

The TARDIS materialising saves the life of our young new companion, Chang Lee. But whose companion is he? Chang Lee feels indebted to the Doctor for saving his life, so he calls for an ambulance. But he’s not so indebted that he doesn’t fancy purloining a few of the Doctor’s belongings. I know there is a bit of a fan argument whether Chang is a companion and whether he was a companion of the Doctor or the Master. I have always sided on both. The movie sort of wraps things up while leaving it open-ended for Chang Lee or Grace to return. As companions go, I really like that he’s a bit of a misfit. He’s clearly a gang member who gets up to a bit of mayhem. He reminds me a little bit of Ace in that way. Bomb building, mansion burning, delinquent Ace McShane. However, above all else, Chang Lee’s most defining trait is that he’s a total dumbass. Or we could go with himbo. Yeah, that feels kinder.

We’re introduced in quick succession to the major players. We meet Bruce (played by Eric Roberts), the paramedic who transports the Doctor to the hospital. We also meet Grace, dressed like a Disney princess, at the opera with her boyfriend Brian. Brian looks suitably bored with the opera. He seems like he would be more comfortable filling the villain role in a movie where the hero is a skateboarding caveman. To make matters worse, Grace gets called away to surgery, leaving him there at the boring old opera on his own. No wonder he left her. Jokes aside, though, who sets up a date night when they’re on call at work? She bought tickets to an event. Made plans. Wore a big poofy dress and gloves. Come on, girl. You know Walker General Hospital’s got your pager number. Get it together.

Not since Peri has the introduction of a companion led to the Doctor’s death so quickly. I think this is a record breaker. The Doctor has been killed by the Master, the Cybermen, radioactive spiders, falling off his exercise bike, and now medical malpractice. As I said, the American healthcare system gets taken to the cleaners in this one. And deservedly so. In typical Doctor Who TV Movie fashion, people don’t act like people when the plot suits it. When the x-ray shows two hearts, nobody suggests taking a second x-ray. Nobody wonders why anesthetic doesn’t seem to work on the Doctor in the same way it would a human. Nobody listens to the Doctor when he pleads with them to stop. Nobody stops the procedure when the medical probe gets lost. Nope, let’s just jam it on in there!

The Oncoming Storm could never have anticipated the American healthcare system. It is like fire and ice and rage. Grace is understandably upset. After all, she just killed a guy. But the hospital buries the evidence of the mysterious two-hearted vagabond, causing her to quit her job in protest. This leaves Grace’s schedule nicely open for any future opera performances or dalliances with a certain swarthy Time Lord. But he’s not quite done cooking yet. No, our Doctor is chilling, quite literally, in the morgue. One thing I noticed this time around, which I’ve never paid much attention to before, is how weird this morgue is. Usually, morgues are depicted with a series of small refrigerated doors, but the Doctor’s gurney is wheeled into more of a walk-in fridge type thing. I guess this was necessary for the Doctor to be able to do his walking dead routine on poor Pete.

The regeneration scene offers the best of ‘90s morph technology. It may seem dated now, but those kinds of digital transformations were still pretty new back then. I remember playing with a morph program on my friend’s computer back in the day. It felt like movie magic back then. Now it’s pretty standard. The Doctor wanders his half-naked Jesus looking ass into what can only be referred to as the hospital’s haunted wing. I get that they’re probably renovating. I get that it’s supposed to be moody. But seriously, what is wrong with this hospital? There is quite literally a pipe just pouring water onto the floor, leaving waterlogged get-well cards and dolls from paediatrics to float up into your worst nightmares. Standing over a broken mirror, the Doctor theatrically asks the universe, “Who am I?”

Circling back to the season that never was, does anyone think that perhaps the Doctor’s weird memory issues might have continued plaguing him? They certainly do in the books. Perhaps this was an effort to establish more of the Who in Doctor Who. This Doctor’s mind seems to behave differently from past incarnations, but even more telling, from future incarnations as well. Not everything they added to the lore would stick, like being half-human on his mother's side. It would appear that while the show has decided that the Eighth Doctor is canon, his prophetic ability to see the future is not. Was it really prophecy, though? There are moments where the Doctor appears to remember the future as a time traveller. And there are other times where it appears he looks into someone’s soul and gives them cryptic advice. I get that they’re trying to advance the idea of what a Time Lord is, but it goes too far.

Meanwhile, the Master has hitched a ride in Bruce’s work jacket. In what can only be described as a sleep apnea advert on acid, the Deathworm Morphant forces itself down a sleeping Bruce’s throat. Finally, his wife can get a decent night’s sleep without his constant snoring. And good for her, as it’s the last sleep she’s ever going to get. She awakens to Bruce staring out the window in full camp mode. Bruce turns around, revealing the Master’s crappy snake eye contacts from the intro, but before she can react, he chokes the life out of her. Now, because it’s this version of Doctor Who, I need to ask- what is up with the Master’s eyes? Was it the Deathworm that gave him snake eyes? That seems like the most plausible reason, but then you remember the ingestion of the Deathworm happened within the books, not the show. So when they show the Master’s eyes superimposed over the Master’s execution scene, what was the implication? Was Terrance Dicks continuing an idea from the production bible, or did he pull that one from his own imagination? Honestly, I’ve not gotten that deep into the Leekley Bible to know the answer.

Taking over a dead man’s body is nothing new for the Master. Neither is living within a body that is actively decomposing. So I love this for him. Really, the only aspect about the Master here that is truly out of place is Bruce’s American accent. But who can complain when Eric Roberts is having so much damn fun? When he shows up in full Time Lord regalia, it feels like a natural progression of the campy arch villain he’s playing here. I love that the Master is given a companion in the form of Chang Lee. And while the Doctor’s means of conveyance is a police box, the Master has a boxy ambulance. If the Rani were to make an appearance, I wouldn’t be surprised if she completed the emergency services trifecta with a fire engine.

The Master convinces Chang Lee that the Doctor is evil and stole the Master’s remaining lives. Why you would believe a guy who calls himself the Master and dresses like a vampire is anyone’s guess. But this is himbo superstar Chang Lee we’re talking about here. Waft a couple of bags of gold dust in his face and he’ll believe anything you tell him. The Master uses Chang Lee’s human eyes to open the Eye of Harmony within the TARDIS. This marks a departure from original Gallifreyan lore, which established the Eye of Harmony on Gallifrey. What’s weird is that of the many changes the TV Movie made, this one actually stuck. Now every TARDIS has an Eye of Harmony of its own. Or perhaps some sort of conduit to the Eye on Gallifrey. Using the Eye of Harmony, the Master can follow the Doctor’s whereabouts, but every second the Eye is open threatens to tear the fabric of reality.

Perhaps one of the worst-paced aspects of the story occurs when the Doctor meets back up with Grace. He goes from a man wearing a toe tag in the back of her car, to a man dancing in her ex’s shoes, to a man kissing her under the stars. You would think with the rapport and understanding they’ve built, she wouldn’t then push to have him sectioned. Not even when the evidence of reality unravelling presents itself does she change. It takes the Doctor phasing through a glass window for her to get on board.

The Doctor and Grace need to find a barillium clock to correct the flow of time. Luckily, Grace is on the board of trustees for the Institute for Technical Advancement and Research, which just so happens to have a barillium clock they’re unveiling at midnight at the turn of the millennium. That’s right, this story takes place in the future year of 1999. Woah! Trippy. The Doctor manages to steal the barillium chip for the TARDIS. Only when they arrive, they find a group of security guards have been slimed by the Master’s weird new Deathworm powers. The Doctor gets the chip and springs the fire alarm to make an escape.

I love the group of characters we meet at the Institute’s gala event. The security guard who remains unaffected by confetti. Professor Wagg with his zen recitations of “Om.” Or Gareth, nervous about his upcoming exams. But really, this story is full of great little one-off characters like Pete or Nurse Curtis, who loves a bit of gossip about Asian children. “Bruce, you’re sick,” she says while salivating for more hot goss. For all of the pilot’s flaws, characterisation was not one of them. Though I must say, I’ve never met an American named Gareth. And no Americans celebrate New Year's Eve with a fancy dress party. It’s like when Ted Lasso depicted Keeley using the leg lamp from “A Christmas Story” as a Christmas decoration. British people don’t know that movie. It doesn’t matter how American Wild Bill Hickok was; nobody is dressing as him to bring in the New Year. Though it is a useful opportunity for the Doctor to once again steal his wardrobe from a hospital locker room.

The Doctor takes himself hostage to commandeer a police motorcycle. This leads to a big stupid police chase that kind of leads nowhere. But I like it. It’s a Pertwee moment. They even get a great visual gag from the police man driving his motorcycle in and out of the TARDIS. I don’t care how jaded a fan you are, that shit is funny. The Doctor and Grace can now close the Eye, but even with the Eye closed, the Earth is still in danger. The Eye of Harmony has been open too long, and so the Doctor must now go back before the Eye was ever opened. Only now, the TARDIS’s power is drained from the Eye being open too long, so he must jumpstart the TARDIS using the Eye. Are you following? Because woof.

We don’t really see how the Master and Chang Lee make their way back into the TARDIS, but the Master manages to take over Grace’s mind, allowing him to capture the Doctor. The Doctor wakes up in a Clockwork Orange get-up to force him to look into the Eye of Harmony and allow the Master to steal his body. But the Doctor manages to convince Chang Lee that the Master is evil, and Chang Lee frees the Doctor at the cost of his and Grace’s lives. The Doctor wrestles power away from the Master, who then gets sucked into the pull of the Eye of Harmony, which closes up behind him.

The Doctor uses the TARDIS to restore Chang Lee and Grace to life, and they go back in time to put things right. It’s a bit hand-wavy, and I am not sure how much of it I was able to recount accurately, but that’s the best I can do as a person who has seen the TV movie several times. Obviously, it’s not done incredibly well because I’m still not 100% certain. Lots of important moments seem to happen off-screen. The Doctor says goodbye to Chang Lee, whom he gifts with the bags of gold dust. Surprisingly, the Doctor and Grace also part ways. I imagine this was to give the pilot some semblance of an ending in case it didn’t get picked up as a series, which, as it turned out, was a smart move. I imagine if they had gone to series, they’d have found some way to bring Grace and maybe even Chang Lee back into the story.

Remember how I put a pin in the Master getting eaten by the TARDIS? I’m curious if they had plans to bring him back. I’m pretty sure the TARDIS burped when the Master got absorbed, which is movie language for someone being well and truly eaten. But the Sarlaac pit burped when Boba Fett fell in, and that dude crawled right back out. Does nobody respect the burp anymore? I bring this up because, for a brief moment, the TARDIS appears to have some indigestion from eating some bad Master. The Doctor then gives the TARDIS console a bit of wellie, and it kicks back into gear. Now, this could be a bit of a joke, but we’ve seen earlier in the story a sequence where the Deathworm Morphant disables the TARDIS by entering the console. Perhaps the Master was going to manifest as gremlins throughout the goodship TARDIS. It could have been fun.

In the hours leading up to the finale, I wondered how they were going to end a war within a single episode. I had quite a few questions. Would Aquakind release rust upon the surface? Will we see any epic battles? If Aquakind can turn the ground into a muddy grave, is anyone safe? What was the point of Salt switching genders when she gets angry? How will Salt prove her worth and earn her place back with her people? Just what will a world of humans co-existing with Aquakind look like? It seemed impossible to fit so much into a single episode. I’ll admit I was doubtful, and as it would turn out, I was right to be.

Ahead of the series, I wrote that I was dubious about a story revolving around the Sea Devils. In my experience, Sea Devil and Silurian stories often ended the same way. They emerge from the depths of the planet. They threaten the future of humanity. We wonder if we could ever cohabitate the earth. The writers realise that would change the world of the show too much, so they pull back. The status quo is restored. This repetition of storyline was the biggest hurdle a Sea Devil tv show needed to clear to stand out as something more than a footnote within the Whoniverse. And there was an opportunity here to change the world of Doctor Who in a significant way. It wasn’t without precedent either. As I have mentioned previously, RTD introduced aliens to the world in a way Doctor Who had not quite seen before. Sure, in classic Doctor Who, alien invasions happened, but the general public seemed to either forget them or disbelieve them. But in the 2005 revival series, humankind became well aware of the existence of aliens. Would a world where you see Barclay and Salt on the Coldplay Kisscam be a bridge too far?

By the end of the episode, the closest we got to a world where Aquakind and Humanity coexist is in the form of the Hunting Ground. The Hunting Ground, as Salt refers to it, is basically the equivalent of a reservation. It’s also the show’s greatest hope to have any kind of lasting impact on the Whoniverse, depending on how it plays out. On one hand, it does exactly what every Sea Devil story does by reverting things to the status quo. I mean, how often do you visit the deepest trenches of the ocean? As far as humanity is concerned, the Sea Devils don’t exist anymore. Conversely, should the show turn the Hunting Ground into something more substantial, things could get interesting. As humans like Kate Lethbridge-Stewart attempt to repair the relationship with Aquakind, there are opportunities for future stories. That, or they will remain buried within the depths of the ocean as a distant memory.

The last time we saw Barclay, he was calling out to Salt, who had just dove into the Thames. I was surprised to find Barclay without shackles around his wrists and ankles after helping a suspected terrorist escape justice. Mind you, it’s not as though things are all hunky-dory for Barclay. He needs a chaperone any time he goes outside, as the general public views him as a traitor to his own species. He’s not exactly free either, as the guards posted outside his room keep a constant vigil on him. Even still, Barclay manages to slip out each evening and call out to Salt in hopes that she will hear him. And each evening, she fails to hear him. This is mostly due to humanity’s bombardment of the waters with sonic impulses meant to disrupt underwater communications between Aquakind. But the entire time, Barclay is being watched. The humans want Barclay to guide them back to Salt, but they have other contingencies.

As their questionable peace talks indicated from the outset, Aquakind was always toying with humanity. They saw the pollution of the planet as the first offence. Their “invasion” of the surface was more of a retaliation. Their latest attempt to toy with humanity comes at the beginning of the episode when Aquakind lets out a high-pitched sound, which calls our poor pet dogs into their nets. This is meant to get a rise out of humanity. “You can’t eat our dogs,” argues humanity. “You eat our fish,” counters Tide. Messing with dogs is usually a pretty surefire way of unsettling the audience, but in this case, it’s rather short-lived. As it turns out, this was just a distraction from their latest global threat to humanity- flooding.

While humanity is busy trying to figure out what Aquakind wants with our dogs, the polar ice caps are melting. Shielded from detection of human sensors, Aquakind has been beavering away at melting the ice caps to raise sea levels. Not only would this drown humanity and choke us with carbon, but it would also increase their domain. Now they truly have humanity backed into a corner. Sure, they could turn the ground we walk on into quicksand. And they can rain garbage onto our streets, creating chaos. And sure, they can control the way water moves. And, yeah, maybe they can turn all of our metal structures to rust. And perhaps their technology far surpasses our own. But somehow this is the moment humanity realises it was boned. All of those other things were just minor apocalypses.

The evil cronies are finally at a point where they feel threatened enough to enact Severance. After injecting Barclay with something, they seem to calm their sonic offensive enough to allow contact between him and Salt. I’m not exactly certain what they were doing here, as I was playing Mahjong on my phone at this point. That’s the kind of top-notch attention to detail you can expect from this blog, evidently. From what I could half-assedly gather was that this is when Barclay infected the water with the Severance virus. What this had to do with him talking to Salt is anyone’s guess. Perhaps he was able to talk to Salt this time because they needed the ocean’s mycelial network uninterrupted in order to spread the virus. They certainly weren’t going to use Salt as a carrier, as she was already shunned by her people at this point. The bottom line is, I got the gist. I also won my game.

Salt gives Barclay a possible out in the form of something she refers to as “accord.” Much like Severance, the name implies all you really need to know. The Sea Devils have a sort of code by which they live, wherein they will give audience to anyone asking for accord. It’s an interesting concept and one that I find a bit frustrating. Throughout the entire peace negotiation phase, not once did humanity ask for help or leniency. All anyone seemed capable of doing was taking a defensive stance and asking for more time. Aquakind clearly possesses the technology and understanding of the world to help clean its waters. Yet not once did anyone suggest working together. And now we discover that this cooperation could have been possible had humans thought to use the word accord. Okay then.

At first, it appears that Kate and UNIT’s attempt to ask for accord has resulted in some kind of ceasefire. However, we learn that the reason for Aquakind’s radio silence has more to do with the Severance virus. The effect of Severance is that it causes scales on Aquakind’s bodies to accumulate and choke them with a barnacle-like build-up. That or Fenric has returned, and we’re in deeper shit than we previously imagined. This genocide committed by humanity causes the waterways to fill with the floating dead bodies of Aquakind. We never see Tide again as we’re left to assume he is among the number of victims. Instead, we see Salt return as the Aquakind ambassador. After the losses Aquakind experienced, it’s not hard to imagine why they would embrace Salt once again. She and Barclay stand in the very spot where they first met, but the tone is far more sombre. Salt accepts humanity’s offer of sanctuary, but leaves a lingering threat in the minds of those who created Severance. Water will one day find them, and justice will be had.

It was at this point that I began to worry that the show was about to shift into “Children of Earth” levels of depressing. Kate was mourning Ibrahim. The bad guys had just committed genocide, which killed 90% of Aquakind. And Salt and Barclay were once again separated. But in that moment, we are given a bit of levity when Kate receives a phone call from Barclay’s physician which spells good things for Barclay. Since his initial separation from Salt, Barclay had been acting strangely. It wasn’t just that he missed his fish girlfriend; he was beginning to feel uncomfortable outside of water. Not even Barbara’s negative ass could change his mind. Barclay was changing.

We’re not told what the doctor says to Kate, only that it causes her to return to Barclay. We see Barclay phone Barbara and Kirby, who don’t even get a proper send-off. We’re forced to watch them sob in what looks like deep pain at the loss of their father figure. Speaking of Kirby, I’d also like to mention briefly that last week I mistakenly used the wrong pronouns for them. I’m grateful to the reader who graciously pointed out my blunder. I have since edited this error, and I am sorry. I take that sort of thing seriously, and it was genuinely a mistake. I was sad to say goodbye to Kirby in this manner, as I had grown rather fond of them. Perhaps I have been too harsh on Barbara for her treatment of Barclay if he’s the sort of guy to leave his kid forever with a phone call. Honestly, what the fuck even was that?

Kate drives Barclay out to the ocean, where he and Salt find one another. The two of them playfully splash about and kiss. Having been around the block a few times, witnessing a grown man kiss a fish woman doesn’t even make Kate flinch. Because the scene leading up to this moment was a wordless montage showing Barclay’s medical information and the word “accord” on the screen, I’m not exactly sure why what happens next happens. Barclay suddenly sprouts gills which enable him to swim and live underwater with Salt. My impression is that this was already happening to Barclay at the beginning of the episode, which is why he was starting to feel uncomfortable outside of water. What I am confused by is why in the hell does the computer flash the word accord on his MRI? What does accord have anything to do with this moment? It’s not exactly something that makes sense, so their decision to disseminate this information through a silent montage is all the more baffling.

Despite my confusion, this scene is genuinely charming, if not a bit weird. I’m glad they chose to end the series on a high note as opposed to the horribly depressing end of the war. We narrowly averted that “Children of Earth” brand of cruelty that I despised so much. For that, I am rather relieved. One of the aspects I will continue to praise about this show was how well they managed to balance the tone. We never stray too far into either the saccharine or the morose. They strike a good balance of humour while also allowing for complexity. Kate is given plenty of space to mourn Ibrahim. While Barclay and Salt’s relationship does appear rather abrupt, there is enough chemistry there to find it charming. Ironically, where the show struggled the most was with war. You know, the one between the land and the sea? The title of the goddamned show!

There are so many ideas within this show that never get fully explored, and they have everything to do with the war. Homo Aqua presents several threats, none of which seem to go anywhere. Their soldiers stand poised within the waters, ready to strike at any moment. Outside of an initial skirmish in episode one, we don’t really see an onscreen battle. We see a lot of people ready to battle, but it never comes to blows. It's more of a battle of attrition than anything else. I’m not saying I’m some meathead Luddite who needs to see whizbang flashy lights to be entertained. But where exactly was that Disney money going? Evidently, Disney could afford to populate the screen with CGI monsters. Just not enough to make them move about the screen. In the end, the true war was between the desire to tell a love story and the desire to depict a war. Given the short runtime of five episodes, one of these aspects was always going to suffer. In the end, it’s cheaper to film Russell Tovey and Gugu Mbatha-Raw kissing than it is to film an entire battle sequence. So love won this war.

Kate waves goodbye to the happy couple as they swim off into the sunset, but the show isn’t quite over yet. If you recall from last week, Russell T Davies was hyping up a certain post-credits scene. In this moment, I could feel myself getting anxious. What did the mad lad have in store for us? Fan speculation was at its usual extreme. Was the Master going to show up? After all, he was tied to the first appearance of the Sea Devils. Or perhaps we were going to get a glimpse of Billie Piper. Would she finally reveal her identity? Maybe they went back and filmed something simple to get us excited for next year’s Christmas special. Instead, we got a scene where Kate pulls a gun on a guy for littering. That’s it. No cameos. No tantalising mysteries. Just a joke about the subtle way this war has changed Kate.

At face value, there is nothing wrong with this scene. Had it simply been allowed to air, people would have laughed and moved on. But Russell had to get people hyped. He needed to get the rumour mill going. And sadly, he barely needed to give it a nudge. The fandom is so hungry for any information about the future of Doctor Who that Russell couldn’t even casually say, “Oh, by the way, there is a post-credits scene.” Even if his goal was to make sure we didn’t miss it, he’s already lost because fan speculation will run wild if you give it a chance. His best bet was to let people find the post-credits scene naturally. From what I have seen online, a lot of people were disappointed by that. It was the war between the expectation and the reality of the situation.

Ultimately, I would call this show a harmless failure. Did I hate it? No. Did I enjoy watching it? Sure. The issue is that the series was constantly at odds with its scope and its ability. Davies and McTighe clearly had a lot of ideas, but Disney had other ideas. Instead of killing their darlings and trimming some of the fat, the people at Bad Wolf decided to cram as much as possible into five episodes. While I praised things like Kate’s dramatic arc, even that leads nowhere. We see Kate push herself to abuse medication and threaten her psychiatrist with zero repercussions. Her burnout culminates in nothing. Sure, she’s stressed to her limit, but it never causes her to make the wrong decisions. Not even Ibrahim’s death was due to her negligence, quite the contrary. It was Kate’s taking a little R&R that resulted in his death. So what was the point of any of that? To add tension to the story about a world that was about to be overrun by angry fish lizards? My only hope is that they are setting Kate up for a future storyline where her actions start to come back on her. Davies has an entire Whoniverse planned. Maybe he wanted to explore this further. As it stands, it was nothing.

This is the problem with modern Doctor Who’s penchant for planting seeds. It gets the rumour mill going, but it also sets itself up for failure. This problem reaches far back beyond the RTD2 era. By the time the Doctor finally made it to Trenzalore, did anyone even care? Modern fiction seems to have moved past this notion. Instead of holding on to a golden nugget of mystery, the trend seems geared toward telling the best story possible in the moment. Think of Andor’s payroll heist on Aldhani. A lesser show would have made that the season finale, but instead, Andor uses it as a stepping stone in a thrilling adventure. The only thing that slows those stories is the natural progression of events. We’re not told to anticipate some magical bullshit that may or may not be coming at the end of this season if we promise to engage on social media and speculate to a point which exceeds the budget of the show. I hope Davies and co take a step back from planting seeds of engagement and focus more on storytelling.

I complained a lot about the dialogue from the RTD2 era. Characters state the obvious, having little by way of ambiguity. I’ve attributed this to Russell’s own underestimation of his audience. Characters speak in soundbites within shots framed with Tiktok’s vertical aspect ratio in mind. People used to call out Moffat for throwing in lines designed to be a Tumblr gif. We’re now in the era of its much dumber cousin. So when we watch a show that, for the most part, takes its time to establish characters and motivations, it actually starts to feel like the Doctor Who we love. We don’t need darker storylines. Hell, part of the reason I like this show is that compared to Torchwood, it’s not absolutely depressing. We don’t need Doctor Who to say fuck. We need the storytellers to get comfortable and do the job implied in their namesake- tell a fucking story.

Speaking of Torchwood, I should mention that it was pointed out to me that General Pierce was actually in “Children of Earth,” a fact which I did not recall in my review last week. Torchwood is probably one of my biggest blind spots in Doctor Who. As I stated last week, I’m not much of a Torchwood fan. I’ve only ever watched the series once and haven’t thought about it much since. Apologies for my mistake there. Not that it matters much, as Colonel Pierce and a few others got dispatched rather quickly in episode three. Maybe his fatherly advice toward Barclay would have rang a little less hollow if I had remembered him. Alas, there was no nostalgia to be mined from my bonce. 

Much of episode three’s runtime feels a bit like filler. It kind of makes sense why they have been doubling up episodes. I doubt their viewing figures would have remained as strong had they put a week between episodes three and four. That’s not to say that episode three is without function or that the things that happen within weren’t important. Perhaps it harkens back to my point about them trying to fit an entire war within five episodes. There’s not a lot of time for setup and payoff. It’s all boom boom boom, one thing to the next. And boy do things go boom.

While the crew plummets to the bottom of the Romanche trench, we’re given some much-needed screentime with Kate Lethbridge-Stewart. Kate gets called into a private Cobra meeting where she’s ambushed by the Charcuterie Crew in front of the entire Illuminati. Perhaps it was a budget issue, but I found these scenes a bit underwhelming. It’s really just three people yelling at Kate while a bunch of Zoom callers add nothing to the conversation. The show doesn’t have much time to develop these villains. After all, there’s a war on. But Kate does get more time with Colonel Ibrahim, which is nice. I liked seeing these quieter moments between Christopher and Kate. He even managed to snag her some Jammie Dodgers, which evidently are hard comeby after Aquakind placed an embargo on things. Plus the amount of looting and panic buying that must have happened after the rubbish deluge, probably left the local off-licence bare.

Ibrahim is pleading with Kate to take some time off. She can’t do anything while the crew makes their way to the bottom of the sea, so she may as well sleep. Kate, being a the workaholic she is, agrees to go home, but not to stop working. Unfortunately for Ibrahim, his suggestion to leave the safe confines of UNIT HQ proves to be the very thing that takes his life. When an assassination attempt is made on Kate’s life, it’s he who takes the bullet. Losing Colonel Ibrahim in this manner felt a bit cheap. There was no reason to kill him off other than to be sad, which feels cruel. I was reminded of any one of the deaths of the Torchwood crew, which also failed to land. I get that this is war and people die, but what was the point of his character if not to tragically die to thrust Kate’s character forward? Is it progress when the character who gets fridged is a man?

The crew aboard the submersible are basically the same thing as they die mere moments after arriving to the bottom of the sea. As the submersible touches down, the crew get pulled even deeper into an environment made especially for them with breathable air and a pressurised chamber. Whales cast shadows across the membrane above. It’s a bit of magic I was hoping for, but sadly, it’s short-lived. The reveal of the underwater domain was a bit of a letdown. It was really just a bunch of CGI Aquakind peppered along a black reef of sorts. While I appreciated the blink-and-you-miss-it appearance of the classic Sea Devils, I found the design a bit underwhelming. I was reminded of the Hell scenes from the horrible Spawn movie with all of the Hellspawns digitally replicated. Salt claims her people are nomads, so them having any kind of domain is a bit of a head-scratcher. I wasn’t really expecting to see an underwater Flintstones neighbourhood with Myrka-pulled water busses, but some grandeur wouldn’t have gone amiss. 

Among the crew, we have Ted Campbell, an eccentric weirdo channelling Gyles Brandreth, who may as well be wearing an “I will either die or turn evil,” t-shirt. In this case, he does both. Automatically, he gives creepy weirdo canvassing for the Reform Party vibes. He’s both flippant and serious. He oscillates between pontificating philosophy and flopsweats. But he has stage four cancer and will do anything for the gram, so he agrees to sacrifice himself for the cause of keeping his cronies' pockets lined with money. His “peace offering” is a globe which sets off a deadly pulse killing his crew and much of the Aquakind in attendance. Were it not for Salt’s quick thinking, Barclay would have been among their numbers. Instead, she presses her mouth to his so that he may breathe while a slipstream whisks them back to the surface.

Barclay’s family and the rest of UNIT assume he has died. The UNIT crew is at an all-time low. Not only have humans committed an act of terrorism, but they have lost personnel who would have been key in the ensuing fight. Not only have Pierce and Ibrahim perished, but so have Captain Mackie and Min Tso. There’s a moment after, where an already frazzled Kate and Shirley discover Tso’s sketch pad. I like to think written in the margins are a list of the names she was trying to force upon Aquakind. While we did lose a fair number of UNIT operatives, we did get a name drop for Morris. Our boy genius is still plugging away somewhere. The same cannot be said of the Vlinx. Maybe when he went into hiding during “Lucky Day,” some intern moved a filing cabinet over his trap door, and he’s been stuck ever since. (I know he’s in “The Reality War,” but it ruins my joke, so shut it.)

What happens after Barclay and Salt reach the surface is not depicted onscreen, but it’s implied that they are apprehended by UNIT. Salt has been separated from him and left in a containment unit. She’s been labelled a pariah by her people and a piranha by human standards. Due to a deepfake video of her threatening the human race, she is treated as a terrorist. Barclay, knowing the truth, helps her escape by backing the Lorry into the Thames and diving in after her. Once again, she uses her unique physiology to protect him from the polluted river.

Speaking of her um, unique physiology, we do get some interesting glimpses into how things work for her. Earlier in the story she mentions to Barclay that her people spawn by the thousands. So I was right last week. She really did grab two eggs off the pile. I couldn’t help but think of Futurama, when Fry goes to get it on with a mermaid only to be confused by their differences in anatomy. But in this situation, Salt doesn’t leave a clutch of eggs for Barclay to nut on. Instead it’s implied that they mostly did mouth stuff together. Salt’s implication that Barclay tastes salty is the classier version of the “Love and Monsters,” paving slab blowjob. It reminded me of Björk’s song “Oceania,” wherein she says, “Your sweat is salty, I am why.” My friend Steve pointed out that Russell Tovey has now made it with a werewolf and a fish person. Add a vampire, the Invisible Man, and a mummy to the mix, and he’ll have the Universal Monsters under his belt! That said, I am full of questions.

While I did find Salt breaking glass and trilling with glee to be effective at endearing us toward her character, Barclay gave into the whole fish sex thing rather easily. Dude didn’t even hesitate. Listen. I know I’m saying this on Tumblr, a safe space for furries and monster fuckers, but Barclay doesn’t seem like he’s journeyed outside of Facebook. It is implied that he and Salt seem to have a kind of deeper bond they can’t explain. They even mention feeling like they have always known each other. I wonder if they plan to explore that idea further. Perhaps there is some sort of timey wimey stuff going on and they knew each other in some capacity lost to another dimension. After all, both Russell Tovey and Gugu Mbatha-Raw have made previous Doctor Who appearances as Alonzo and Tish Jones, respectively. Perhaps they echo throughout time. It could also be a device to bring their characters together in a short time, much like Fifteen and Rogue’s romance was rushed. Either way, I rather like the idea of Salt and Barclay living as the Witch of the Waterfall and the Fish Fucker, respectively.

Aquakind doesn’t take the attack on their person lying down. We’re introduced to Tide, a fellow Homomorpha Sapiens like Salt, who threatens humanity with a plague of rust able to reduce our metal structures to dust within seconds. They demand humanity give them Salt who they view as a traitor for saving Barclay instead of her own people during the attack on the Romanche trench. Should she ever return to the sea, Aquakind will find her and shun her to swim alone forever, like a shark. Barclay refuses to let this be Salt’s fate as he is, by now, rather smitten. They hide away in a warehouse for a bit but they need to keep moving back to UNIT where they can clear up this mess, and hopefully put an end to the war. However, due to the rubbish crowding streets, people now need passes to move about freely. Too bad nobody told this to the kid Barclay and Salt rob for his phone. Luckily, Barclay has Kirby’s second line to contact them. Unluckily, this means dealing with Barbara, who if you recall from my previous review, is still the worst. 

Barbara and Barclay set up a meeting point of which UNIT and the military a well aware of. It’s an obvious trap on top of a bridge, which is possibly one of the worst spots to meet ever, or perhaps not, considering how it ends. With the military working for the baddies and the UNIT soldiers working for Kate, we have a regular old-fashioned standoff with Barclay and Salt caught in the middle. But before either force can mangle the other with a hail of bullets, Salt lets out a deafening trill that somehow doesn’t affect Barclay despite his ears. While everyone is gaining their composure, Salt makes a break for it into the water below with Barclay declaring that he will find her and that she will never swim alone.

It’s heavily implied throughout these episodes that the baddies are devising some sort of super weapon capable of bringing Aquakind to their knees… or fins… whatever. Whatever Severance is, it doesn’t sound good for Salt. I imagine it has something to do with the eggs they procured. I’m worried that the humans will level the playing field to such a degree that Aquakind will need to go back into the ocean until a later date when humankind is more evolved. In that case, I will be very disappointed as it will be yet another Silurian/Sea Devil story that ends in that exact manner. That said, it’s hard to imagine what future Davies and McTighe have in store for us. It wouldn’t be the first time Davies has changed the Doctor Who Earth in a meaningful way. During his first era, he all but confirmed to the general public that aliens were real. It didn’t break the show then, so it’s entirely plausible that Aquakind might stick around in some capacity. But can you imagine a scene set in modern London where fish people are standing in a queue for a Greggs?

The final episode of this series is “The End of the War,” so we know it does end. But can you honestly say, given the recent season finales on Doctor Who, that they will be able to deliver a satisfying conclusion to the war? It’s hard to imagine where this is going without fearing it’s either going to be incredibly depressing or it’s going to disappoint in some other way. Will Severeance cut the hive mind off for Aquakind? That’s what the name sort of implies. Salt was worried about swimming alone, but what about her entire species, cut off from one another?  I have to wonder why they chose to do such a big storyline in such a short number of episodes. Hell, keep with the double billings and give us six. I asked last week why this story. Why the Sea Devils in the ocean? Part of me wonders if it wasn’t Disney trying to appeal to a Chinese audience. From what I have read, time travel stories don’t really go over well in China as it is seen as disrespectful to ancestors. Conversely, stories about water are very popular due to water’s strong presence in Taoism. I’d be interested in seeing how this show goes over in China once it airs worldwide. I know Doctor Who has recently been trying to break into the highly lucrative Chinese market. This could be their moment.

While I worry that the ending may be a bit of a letdown, perhaps nothing worries me more than Russell T Davies’ promise for a stunning post-credits scene. By this point, I, like most of us, have grown wary of RTD’s brand of promotion. He could hold a used diaper in his hands and still sell it like you’ll find something other than poop inside. Judging by Billie Piper’s comments at a recent convention, it’s most likely something to do with her. I mean, really, what else could it be? From what I’ve gathered, The War Between the Land and the Sea is meant to be a miniseries only. So it’s highly unlikely that the post-credits scene will hint at a season two. That leaves us with really only one other thing it could be- the Doctor. If they plan on having Billie Piper come in and say some cryptic shit without confirming she’s the Doctor, I’ll be very bored. More of the same will not tantalise me. It wasn’t even a big deal the first time; in fact, it went over a bit like a lead balloon.

The fact is, I am not sure if the comparison is fair or not. Because one thing that kept nibbling on the Swiss cheese I call a brain is- who is this show aimed at? Is this one for the kiddies or one for the adults? It certainly aired in a post-watershed time slot. Was Russell T Davies’ aim to cast a wider net (if you’ll excuse the pun)? I’m not sure what draw TWBTLATS was meant to have outside of the fandom. WhoCulture recently called out the Second Coming of Davies for being a poor jumping-on point. The shake-up of the lore, the complicated regenerations, and the reliance on characters not seen since the ‘60s and ‘80s. And now we have this miniseries centred around B-list villains who have never had particularly successful outings. I will commend Davies for re-editing “The Sea Devils” to bring newer viewers up to speed and to refresh the memories of older viewers. The 3.47 million people who watched “Legend of the Sea Devils” sure weren’t going to talk about it. But it’s a weird first choice for a Whoniverse spin-off, right?

Realistically, UNIT seems a bit of a shoo-in for the first spin-off of this new and soon to be past-tense Disney era of Doctor Who. But the UNIT of RTD’s second era feels more akin to the MCU’s S.H.I.E.L.D. In fact, one of the shows that TWBTLATS most reminded me of was Secret Invasion. You had a good guy government organisation going up against green scaly people with pointy ears. And both shows also garnered a complete lack of interest on my end. Sure, you could argue that the MCU’s first foray into television was Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., but even that was a slice-of-life story about the inner workings of the organisation. Starting with Secret Invasion would have been considered odd. What the Whoniverse really needed, if not its Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., was its Daredevil. I’m not saying it should have been the Eighth Doctor miniseries, but it should have been the Eighth Doctor miniseries. For fucksake, Russell, give us the Eighth Doctor series. Stop being allergic to success.

Ahem. Apologies. Now you may be thinking, “Why is she leaning so hard on the Marvel comparison?” And I would like to respond by saying, “Because RTD has leaned hard on the Marvel model.” Because that’s why we watch Doctor Who, right? Because it’s like everything else? If you aim to copy others, you’ll never lead. So while Doctor Who is playing catch-up, the MCU is dying a slow death. Fun! Why is this the BBC’s mandate of late? Even Chibnall was tasked with making Doctor Who compete with the MCU. Then Loki and WandaVision came and kicked the BBC’s legs out from under it. Whether it was Star Wars in the ‘70s or Marvel today, Doctor Who has always been hamstrung when the higher-ups sent the production crew chasing trends. Worse yet, Disney must have seen the writing on the wall after learning the limits of a sprawling media empire in real time. Not every show is a WandaVision. Eventually, the IP starts to feel thin, sort of stretched, like Bilbo scraped over too much bread.

Almost instantly, TWBTLATS hits you with a wave of childish dialogue. Characters speak like they’re explaining something over footage of Minecraft. Jingle-jangle! Look over here, young people! That is, if you can make out the dialogue. One of the biggest viewer complaints the show received was about the poor mixing of mumblecore dialogue. Perhaps one of the worst offenders was Russell Tovey’s Barclay, our protagonist- the guy tasked with diplomatic talks. Hey, even Moses struggled with public speaking. The issue with the dialogue is that everyone talks to everyone like they assume they’re an idiot. On Mr Rogers’ Neighborhood, Fred Rogers used to tell the audience when he was feeding his fish after a blind child wrote him worried he wasn’t feeding them because he hadn’t mentioned the fish in a while. If you replace feeding the fish with expository dialogue, and blind children with audience members concurrently watching Tiktok and prompting Chat-GPT to write their college essays, then you have The War Between the Land and the Sea. Because what other kind of people are there, right?

I’m being hard on Barclay, but he’s alright. He’s an everyman type with a gay kid. Pretty relatable these days. There’s a moment between him and his kid Kirby, which initially put me off, where they joke about Kirby drinking homo-aqua. I say initially because I came around after realising that’s the kind of shit my wife and I say to each other. I can see people who don’t know any gay people thinking it’s cringe or woke or whatever language virus they are hoisting upon us this week. I also like that Davies is queer enough to know what it sounds like. Poor Chibnall could never have seen VOR coming. Davies was ahead of the jokes on that one, but I’ve got an Alex Jones turning the frogs gay meme brewing in my head. To this show’s credit, its meme potential is vast.

Barclay gets called into action as Roger Trevithick’s replacement. It’s weird to me how childish UNIT is portrayed in this series, so far. Trevithick holds a level 1 security clearance, and his replacement is the guy who orders the taxis. What? In fact, the only person who seems to think that’s weird is Barclay. Not even General Pierce seems bothered as he gives Barclay the weirdest pep talk about destiny. I get that Kate Lethbridge-Stewart reformed UNIT to be more sciencey, but even that was a bit hippy dippy. They need to run a tighter ship because UNIT has more leaks than a Doctor Who set. The reason for Barclay’s mission is the resurgence of the Sea Devils, a species known to UNIT, though not in this form.

After a surprise encounter with a fishing boat, UNIT operatives procured the body of a dead Sea Devil. It’s appropriate that Barclay performed the sign of the cross, as the Sea Devil hanging aloft evokes a Christ-like image. Each Sea Devil has upon its person a pearl which UNIT surmises they use to communicate like a sort of hive mind. UNIT does a lot of surmising, to an almost obnoxious level. There’s a recurring scene where Min Tso keeps bestowing Latin names to every new iteration of Sea Devil they encounter. Typical to the RTD2 era’s muddied progressive messaging, they drop the offensive title Sea Devil, but still won’t ask what they call themselves. I suppose you could chalk it up to UNIT’s hubris, but this show doesn’t have those kind of teeth. For the most part, UNIT are the good guys. It’s a few bad actors and double agents threatening our chill time with the totally reasonable Sea Devils. More on that later.

The Sea Devils (sorry it’s just easier to call them that) come for their dead comrade in what is perhaps one of the cooler moments of the episode. I rather enjoyed the way they turned the earth into a muddy soupy grave for our poor UNIT operatives. It’s a shame they didn’t have that technology when the Earth reformed over them. The scene where General Pierce speaks to the Sea Devils via translation machine was stolen wholesale from Mars Attacks. But I’ll be generous and call it an homage. As it turns out, the Sea Devils wish to parlay with humans. They’re letting the whole world know. Because they’re not just speaking to the UNIT operatives on Dragonera, they’re addressing the whole world. It’s a real show of power.

As it turns out, the Sea Devils are less interested in negotiations, and more interested in explaining why they’re about to bring humanity to its knees. After humanity builds a large tube bridging the sea to the land, the Sea Devils have a presentation they’d all like us to watch so we understand why they’re so hopping mad. Their ambassador, a new type of sexy fish named Salt, rejects Earth’s choice of ambassador in favour of Barclay, the only human to show respect to the dead Sea Devil. Flummoxed, Barclay accepts the role thrust upon him, much to Kate’s chagrin. She immediately flies into a background check on Barclay, which is something most organisations do before hiring someone. I suppose this is why UNIT struggles with so many leaks. 

Now would be as good a time as any to discuss the UNIT crew. We have good ol’ reliable Jemma Redgrave as Kate. Once again she’s joined by Colonel Ibrahim, both on and off the clock. They’re really running with their relationship, which I guess I like. It definitely feels more believable here. Their interactions on Doctor Who proper always felt a bit tacked on, so it’s nice to see them sharing more intimate moments at home, even if they spend the whole time talking about work. This is why you don’t date your co-workers. Shriley Bingham has returned, though I’m fairly certain she wasn’t referred to as Mrs Bingham in the past. I feel like that’s a new development for her. Who is Mr Bingham I wonder? There are some new faces like General Pierce and Min Tso. We also get another Sex Education alumn added to the Whoniverse with George Robinson’s Steve Chesney. Noticeably missing are Mel and Rose. Both Morris and Osgood seem to have died on the way back to their home planet. Seriously, does it bother no one else that Osgood never got a proper send-off?

The talks with Barclay turn up some very reasonable concerns from our aquatic neighbours. Salt drops the dead bodies of her young on the floor, getting straight to the point. Our oil pollution killed their babies. Or at least, that’s what it seems. The double agents mentioned earlier seem pretty interested in the dead baby eggs. Seemingly more than the Sea Devils, who just left them there on the floor. Odd behaviour for a species that broke into a highly guarded area to retrieve the body of one of their dead. They either left those dead babies on the floor as a message or maybe as a weapon, or maybe they just grabbed two off the pile. I wonder if its a weapon because the double agents seem interested in them. This would imply they’re either looking for weakness in the Sea Devil’s genetics, or they’re not actually babies and Salt’s a big old fibber. Seriously, why would she just leave them on the floor? It’s either really clever or really stupid.

Salt likes Barclay because he goes off script. He’s real. She can talk to real. When they ask Barclay to drink from the River Thames, he is honest why he won’t drink it. And for the time, Salt seems pleased with his candour. The way Barclay handled things would have left him all but cooked had it not been for the fact that Salt responds positively to his honesty. Overnight, Barclay has become a celebrity. And while the pressure is immense, his success in the first day’s talks has given him a boost in confidence. Considering his family life, it was much needed.

My mans has a very shitty ex in the form of Barbara. She’s an awful woman suffering from main character syndrome. While I sympathise that getting taken away from her small business and being forced to stay in a hotel would be frustrating, she seems to act like it’s Barclay’s fault. Get a clue, lady, there are fish people currently holding a gun to the world’s head. Maybe get some perspective! Barclay’s kid, Kirby, seems alright though. They’ve been canonised by queerness and can do no wrong. As the show points out, Zoomers have all been correct this whole time. Right. They’re totally blameless. I guess it’s boomers dropping hundreds of disposable vape pens in my local canal. Or maybe it was us annoying ass millennials. Too busy with our puppers and handlebar moustache finger tattoos to change the world. Seriously, when did we start talking about each other like such assholes? Don’t worry, Gen X, I won’t come for you. I know you drank from the hose or whatever. You’re made of sterner stuff.

The next day of negotiations goes viral after Barclay’s identity is leaked to the press. It was nice of UNIT to hide their tracks by having him arrive in broad daylight. Even serial killers get a jacket thrown over their head. What’s worse is that it is General Dussolier who outs him to the public. I am not sure what her plan was here. UNIT was able to tie things back to her instantly. Anyone who has seen a Geoguesser video online knows how some people can pinpoint the McDonald's in Quebec where you asked your girlfriend to marry you from a single photo. If her goal was to simply out Barclay to the world, then mission accomplished. She also managed to paint a giant target on her back. Not sure I would let her back into the room after that stunt. We’ll have to wait and see how Kate responds to her betrayal. Either way, there seems to be a trio of charcuterie enthusiast villains forming.

Of course, the true villains are human. The Sea Devils’ plight is far too reasonable. And of course, it’s human greed that stands to impede the progress between homo-aqua and homosapiens. Echoing the same empty promise of eventual progress, real-world corporations have made, the Sea Devils are given an unreasonable timeline to get things cleaned. My issue is that their brand of diplomacy is like something a child would write. Their offer to help us clean our oceans is a clear attack, which, admittedly, General Pierce acknowledges. But it’s frustrating that nobody is asking for help. Clearly, the Sea Devils can remove pollutants from the water to an ability and at a rate far exceeding our own, but they never offer it as a solution. They don’t want to come up with a solution; they just want to deliver a sick burn before covering the earth with garbage. Conversely, mankind never asks them for assistance. What kind of negotiations are these? I’m an idiot, and I noticed this. They know humans can’t travel to the bottom of the sea, and yet they demand it moments after telling us we can no longer travel by air or sea. The fact that two of their three stipulations contradict each other never comes up in conversation? I get that they’re the wronged party, but give me a break. It’s like inviting your broke friend on an expensive trip and getting mad when they can’t pay for anything.

Perhaps one of the more perplexing moments in the show comes when Salt, after growing enraged, swaps genders. It’s giving Eldrad from “The Hand of Fear.” It’s not very clear why this happens or if it means anything. But going by RTD’s track record with portraying trans issues on screen, any time he does, I get a bit nervous. I wonder if Barclay’s experience with Kirby will come into play. Having a trans kid will certainly make him more versed in gender variance than some stuffy suit. It’s hard not to remain wary of RTD’s politics. I’m not sure if having an immigrant looking for citizenship being one of the ones to sell out UNIT is the best optics at the moment. I remain cautiously guarded.

The rain of garbage is chaos. Streets fill with plastic debris and even the Titanic makes a return. Kudos to the production team for resisting the urge to hang a Logitech game controller off the bow. I can’t say I’d have exhibited the same restraint. Seeing the Titanic made me wonder if other ships were also recovered. Some lucky sod had to have found a chest of doubloons. I also wondered if they had returned items that were currently helping the coral reef survive. Not everything we put into the sea is poisonous. As you might imagine, the falling debris is incredibly dangerous. I’m certain quite a few lives were lost in the chaos. One of the things I have always admired about both RTD eras is his ability to demonstrate the way these invasions affect the rest of the world. We see Trinity Wells and other reporters throwing in their two cents. We also see the reaction on social media. Considering someone may have just lost a loved one to fallen debris, Barclay has his work cut out for him if he’s to bridge the divide.

Before these two episodes aired, I mentioned my apathy toward the project. It didn’t interest me much outside of being a Doctor Who spin-off. And frankly, I still feel about the same way. However, that isn’t to say I disliked it, quite the contrary. While I’m not incredibly invested, I’m also not bored. There’s nothing awful about the show. It’s well-made. The pacing is good. I doubt it could continue as a conversation in the same room for five episodes, so it feels smart that episode three promises a trip to the bottom of the ocean. There’s a brisk pace, which, so far, hasn’t felt rushed. And it appears that Pete McTighe has a stronger grasp on dialogue than Russell T Davies, so that’s a bit of a relief. Much of the dialogue between Ncuti Gatwa and his two companions felt exhaustively expository, so it’s nice to see them chill out a bit. So far, the worst of the dialogue has come from Davies. McTighe has never really struggled in that department, if memory serves correctly. 

Historically, I have never been a huge fan of the Sea Devils or the Silurians. In a show where cartoons come to life and mutant squid people fueled by hate drive around in lethal pepper pots, they feel like a bridge too far. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but they slightly break my suspension of disbelief a little too much. I’ve warmed up to them, but my first impression of them has never been a great one. Couple that with the fact that their episodes are often the same story, and you start to get an idea of why I am not a huge fan of them. I suppose I’m worried that they’re going to tell that same story again. And if you don’t think they will, I’d like to remind everyone that the current production company liked season one of Doctor Who so damn much that they remade it under the title “season two.”

First Impressions

For many of us, our first look at “The War Between the Land and the Sea,” was in the form of blurry set leaks of a sexy blue lizard woman giving “The Shape of Water.” But damn if it didn’t turn me off even more than that needlessly wordy title. In my review of “Legend of the Sea Devils,” one of the few things I praised was the way they looked. In fact, the look of the Sea Devils has always been my favourite thing about them. And none of the Sea Devils in this new Sea Devils show looks much like a Sea Devil. Perhaps that’s why they’re not called Sea Devils. Or we’re gonna be made to feel bad for calling them that. Like it’s a slur. Well, Russell, or I guess it’s Pete now- I’ve been called slurs from a few moving cars and none of them were as cool as Sea Devil.

I kid, but I guess it plays into my feelings toward the subject matter. It seems odd to me that the tone feels so serious for a bunch of fish people. I’ve seen people compare the trailer to something like “Torchwood: Children of Earth,” like that’s some high-water mark to aspire to. I’ve often joked with friends that if I ever covered Torchwood on here, I would have to change the tagline of my blog from “One girl talking about the shows she loves,” to “One girl talking about the shows she loves… and Torchwood.” I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy the odd episode, but among the official Doctor Who spin-offs, it is my least favourite. It’s the only Doctor Who spin-off where I kept thinking that the only reason I was watching was that it was related to Doctor Who. On it’s own, I would have turned Torchwood off after 15 minutes. Give me the earnest adventures of Clyde and Rani any day.

This is also why I’m taking the early positive reviews with a grain of salt. After all, some people like Torchwood. And more power to you if you love Torchwood, it’s just not to my taste. My hope is that said positive reviews are for reasons other than “It’s like watching the most depressing season of Torchwood.” 

Pete McTighe

Pete McTighe is a bit of an enigma to me. He wrote “Kerblam!” which I had been enjoying up until the climax. He also writes all of those little “Doctor Who: The Collection” adverts. Most recently he gave us “Destination: Dalek,” a fan-servicey movie with Peter Davison back in action as the Doctor. It was exciting to see him again, but not in that fist-pumping-the-air sort of way “The Night of the Doctor,” made me feel. I mean, we’ve seen Peter Davison return in costume in “Time Crash,” but unlike “The Night of the Doctor,” or “Time Crash,” “Destination: Dalek,” doesn’t really tell a story at all. Perhaps it’s “to be continued” and they’ll follow the story up with a Big Finish audio, but I’m just demonstrating that a complete story is possible in such a short format.

Each of these shorts he has written have had the opportunity to tell a complete story, but they don’t. They act more as vignettes than stories. Brief glimpses of moments in the Whoniverse meant to excite fans for a blu-ray. He came into the Whoniverse under the custodianship of Chris Chibnall, an era marked by first-draft issues and dwindling viewership. Since then we’ve seen him return with “Lucky Day,” an episode for which I gave a bad review. As you might imagine, I’m wary. I’d love for him to succeed, but I worry he’s going to have the same Chibnall brand, sad bastard, gritty Bafta vibe mixed with Russell’s penchant for fan-servicey stunts. These are of course, my worst fears.

The Title of the Show

They really could have titled this show “The War of the The’s.” It feels like a title that was the result of a meeting where nobody left happy. It’s a working title in essence and I can’t believe it’s what they went with. If you want to use such a lengthy title, make it the subtitle to a show called “UNIT.” Not only does “UNIT: The War Between the Land and the Sea,” work better, but it also sets UNIT up to return in the odd series like “UNIT: Inferno,” or “UNIT: the Sontaran Subterfuge.” Bring it back every few years like an Ab Fab Christmas special. Do different time periods. It worked for Fargo. Even if this show turns out to be a success, that title will always be a failure. 

Why I am excited

I said it above- because it’s related to Doctor Who. Why wouldn’t I want to enjoy this show? It’s aimed toward me and every other Whovian. Russell T Davies had that Disney money, and this was his first foray into MCU opulence. Clearly, he believed in the story for it to be the first of hopefully many spin-offs he had planned. And while his second tenure has somewhat tarnished his goodwill with fans, it’s hard to deny that it has also produced some bangers. His willingness to bet the farm on this series gives me hope.

The mini-series format is also alluring to me. I like that they have a story in mind that they wish to tell. And yes, I can imagine they’ll probably allude to some greater storyline within the Whoniverse, but ultimately, we will get a complete story. I wish more projects were started with an end in sight. I welcome such a thing. And like I said, they could keep returning to UNIT miniseries. It would almost work better as a thing they did sporadically. It would be something to look forward to. In that way, I am very enthusiastic, especially if they jumped around timelines. Imagine a season with Bambera or even Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart himself. I know it’s impossible to think of replacing Nicholas Courtney, and I would have said the same thing about William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy, but Paul Wesley and Ethan Peck delight in “Strange New Worlds.” The main takeaway is that the idea has legs. And that is the attitude I am taking into the premiere tomorrow.

Honourable Mentions- The Clangers - 1 vote (0.93%)

Of the four write-in candidates, two of them weren’t technically “creatures,” per se. Because of this, I opted not to include them as actual candidates, but rather as honourable mentions. While the Clangers are definitely “creatures,” they are still works of fiction within the Whoniverse. But you’ll excuse the reader who suggested them as even the Master was confused by their appearance. The concept of the Master not understanding children’s programming was continued in “The Sound of Drums,” when he mistook the Teletubbies as living creatures. Ironically, this concept lends an unexpected air of cuteness to the Master, especially in the case of Delgado. The guy has the look of a cartoon devil, and yet, watching him whistle curiously to the puppets on screen is, in its own way, cute.

Should you want to experience the Clangers in their cute glory, they make their Doctor Who appearance in “The Sea Devils.” Furthermore, episodes of Clangers can be found on BBC’s iPlayer. Mr Huffle - 1 vote (0.93%)

This one, I struggled with. While Mr Huffle is an inanimate object, his inclusion into the story “The Return of Doctor Mysterio,” hinged on the idea that the Doctor could not prevent himself from anthropomorphising the little guy. But the fact remains that the scene requires that we, the audience, understand that Mr Huffle is still just a toy. Because of that, he’ll only receive an honourable mention here.

Mr Huffle is an idea that could really only exist in the daftest of daft Christmas specials. Seeing as the Christmas special in question is one about a child who swallows a magical 12-sided die and becomes a superhero, the daftness quotient has been reached. I can’t imagine Mr Huffle working in an episode like “Father’s Day,” but here, it’s a bit of Christmas charm that is oddly not the weirdest thing about the story. It is Mr Huffle’s innocence and cuteness that makes Lucy’s torture of him so unbearable to the Doctor. And because of that, he earns his place as an honourable mention.

13. Fifi the Stigorax - 0 Votes (0%)

In the words of Community's Dean Pelton- “It’s good to know there’s a floor on this thing.” Coming in last place with zero votes is Fifi from “The Happiness Patrol.” When making my list of cute creatures I went from story to story trying to remember anything you could consider even remotely cute. As it turns out, Fifi is one of those creatures with a face only a mother could love. I thought that maybe his resemblance to a dog would garner a vote or two, but I was wrong. Perhaps I should have gone with a different dog, such as K9, instead. But hey, so could our write-in voters, and none of them mentioned our favourite tin dog either. As Christina Aguilera proved, being cute doesn’t matter if you’re mean. Perhaps if Fifi had also written something like “Beautiful,” he might have gotten a vote or two. Sorry Fifs.

8. "Junior" the Baby Sea Devil - 1 vote (0.93%)

Before I even started compiling my list of cutie pies, this little muffin was already on my list. Which is why I am surprised it only got a single vote. Perhaps if it had made more of an appearance in Doctor Who than a webisode made to advertise a blu-ray set, it would have received more votes. Looking like a cross between Baby Yoda and my pet tortoise, the Baby Sea Devil is a triumph of cuteness. This freshly hatched baby opens its wide black eyes with a sense of wonder as Jo Jones imprints on its mind as the first face this face saw.

The fact that Mike Tucker designed the baby Sea Devil puppet for such a small production is rather impressive. I can’t imagine the budget was very high, and yet I could see Junior working within the show proper. As the Jim Henson Creature Workshop would say, Junior is camera-ready. Maybe it’s the tortoise mum in me talking, but I want one. If you want to experience the Baby Sea Devil in all of its adorable glory, you can watch “Defenders of the Earth,” on YouTube.

8. Goblins - 1 vote (0.93%)

Unlike Junior, I’m not surprised by the lack of votes received for these little stinkers. These guys are the textbook example of the "eye of the beholder,” type of cuteness. Bordering on childlike and buglike, their diminutive stature does a lot of the heavy lifting here. However, there is something undeniably cute about them. Perhaps its their mischievous nature that lends a wily rascalliness to them. They evoke the same vibe as the Gremlins with their pointy ears and their penchant for murderous mayhem. They even show up on Christmas! There’s something infectious about the sheer glee they take in kidnapping babies to feed to their gluttonous goblin king. So bring up the lights and sing along with Janice Goblin because otherwise, you may be next on the menu!

8. Mykra - 1 vote (0.93%)

Another write-in candidate, the Mykra stands out as yet another cutie relating back to the Sea Devils. Their inclusion on this is perhaps part of why they have been remembered by much of the fandom as one of the worst monsters of classic Doctor Who. The Mykra is supposed to be fearsome, and yet, here it is on a list of the cutest creatures in Doctor Who. And I’m not even questioning why. I get it. Look at that adorable idiot. As cuteness goes, it’s cute in the way a lizard can be cute. It's giving Kermit with realistic textures. There’s also a bit of derpiness that adds to the charm as well. It lumbers on multiple legs like Mr. Snuffleupagus, and is anything but scary. Even Peter Davison found it embarrassing to act beside. There’s a sort of sweet charm to a lot of classic Doctor Who that a lot of us classic fans appreciate. Sure, it fails at being a horrific monster, but it succeeds at trying its best. “Grrr! I’m a big monster,” it says. Sure you are, buddy. Sure you are.

8. Scorchies - 1 vote (0.93%)

The Scorchies were added in for a number of reasons. Firstly, I wanted add something from the audios. Secondly, if it hasn’t become abundantly clear, I love puppets. And thirdly, they’re beautifully designed. Of all of the audio based creatures from Doctor Who we’ve had, I want a Scorchies episode the most. Maybe now that “Star Trek: Strange New Worlds,” is doing a puppet episode, we might finally get our first Doctor Who episode with felt furies. Once again, Jo is wrapped up with some of Doctor Who’s cutest creatures, and I love that I’m not alone in loving them.

The Scorchies aren’t actual living puppets but rather disembodied consciousnesses that inhabit puppet bodies. That doesn’t mean that they don’t act like puppets. Voiced in a manner that only Katy Manning can provide, the Scorchies speak and sing like they straight off the set of Rainbow or Lamb Chop’s Play-Along. Like the Baby Sea Devil, their design is an impressive feat on the behalf of Big Finish. Not only are they cute, but each puppet has their own unique design. We never see the Scorchies on screen, and yet so much care was put into their creation that I am delighted to include them on this list. The BBC should totally make a thing.

8. Quarks - 1 vote (0.93%)

The Quarks were a write-in which I almost included on the poll but decided against. I didn’t know if, like K9, you could consider them “creatures.” In hindsight, I should have included droids. You live and learn. Part of my reasoning for considering including the Quarks is similar to the Mykra. There’s a scrappy charm to their design that only classic Doctor Who can deliver. Their unwieldy rectangular bodies and awkward arms betray their menacing nature. Even when they’re doing the bidding of their cruel owners, the Dominators, it’s hard not to say “Aww.” Their circular heads with spikes jutting out in multiple directions give them as much menace as they do Lisa Simpson. Like the Chumblies, their design is so quaint that it’s hard to look at them and have any reaction other than admiration. If they ever bring the Quarks back for modern Doctor Who, I imagine a big conversation will be had as to how cute to make them. Because, sure, they are deadly, but part of their appeal is that they’re so very cute. You lose that and you lose part of what makes them great.

6. Alpha Centauri - 2 votes (1.87%)

Alpha Centauri is an interesting addition to this list as their cuteness is part of what makes them slightly menacing. In “The Curse of Peladon,” we’re given a sort of “Doctor Whodunit” murder mystery where any of the characters could be the killer. Voiced by Ysanne Churchman, Alpha is meant to sound cute and innocent. But their look is slightly off-putting. One of the hallmarks of cuteness is big eyes, but in Alpha’s case, they have only one, which is surrounded by protruding veins. They’re like the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland, but they have a phallic appearance that is undeniable. The one-eyed monster aspect to Alpha Centauri only adds to their ambiguity. Is the killer this adorable yet slightly grotesque bug? Or are they the Ice Warriors, known for their aggression in the past? Or is it the gross guy squirting green shit everywhere? Luckily for us, Alpha Centauri has a heart of gold, or however many hearts their species has. Alpha made one other appearance in classic Doctor Who but bowed out until 2017 when they made a brief appearance in “Empress of Mars.” The less said about their appearance in the Black and White Minstrel Show, the better.

6. Pting - 2 votes (1.87%)

Ah, the Pting. Before it’s debut episode “The Tsuranga Conundrum,” aired, there was a big hullabaloo about Tim Price naming the Pting like it was some great moment in the writers' room. Which is weird because as names go, it’s nothing special. But I guess when you consider it’s the same writers’ room that thought Ranskoor Av Kolos was a good name, it makes more sense. The Pting is undeniably cute, and like many of the other entries on this list, also slightly grotesque. It’s body is like Krumm from “Aaahh!!! Real Monsters,” with the personality and appetite of Nibbler from Futurama. Throw in Gremlins, but in the more RAF sense of the word, and you get the Pting. As Doctor Who baddies go, its hardly a baddie in the usual sense. More of a dangerous nusance than anything. It’s just very very hungry, and for some reason, poisonous to the touch. I fed reindeer in the Cairngorms this past weekend, and it was quite a similar sensation. Very hungry, a little bit pointy, and you’re not supposed to touch them. However, the zenlike look on the Pting’s face as it swallows a bomb is exactly the cuteness that landed it on this list in the first place. Just a hungry lil guy. Same, Pting. Same.

5. The Meep - 4 votes (3.74%)

The Meep, or Beep the Meep, as they're referred to in the comics' whole gimmick is cuteness belying a deeply sinister nature. On the checklist of cute, they’ve got top marks. Big eyes? Check. Soft and fuzzy? Check. Big kitty cat ears? Check. Smol in stature? Check. They even hide in Rose’s bedroom like E.T. among her plushies and art projects. But underneath that adorable exterior beats a blackened heart. Driven mad by the psychic sun of their home planet, the Meep is a hardened killer and genocidal dictator. Never has harbouring a war criminal looked so cute nor needed such a big lint roller. They even look cute when their face changes to mean. And it's not like you can reason with them. Pulling the thorn out of this lion’s paw does nothing to quell the inner beast. The Meep is a villain through in through. But would I love to own a plushie of one? Absolutely. So soft. So cute. So evil.

4. The Original Cybermats - 6 votes (5.61%)

When I made this list, I specified “the original Cybermats,” specifically because I meant the ones with the googly eyes. Once again, like other classic Doctor Who creatures, their cuteness is unintended. Or perhaps, maybe less so on this occasion. There is a reality I can imagine where the creators of these creatures wanted to soften their scariness a bit for the sake of the children in the audience. “The Tomb of the Cybermen,” is already a pretty dark story with lumbering metal men emerging from icy tombs to wreak havoc. As Cybermats go, these are some of the smallest in the show’s history, fitting within the palm of your hand. Compare them to the snakelike Cybermats that crawled up Sarah Jane’s arm and you can see they are very different. If you ignore the implication that Cybermats are cyber-converted babies, you might pass these little guys off as cute. They resemble arthropods, antennae and all. You could imagine them scuttling on the sea bed in another life. However, knowing their true nature, I don’t think I’d want to see one scuttling up my leg any time soon.

3. Lux aka Mr Ring-A-Ding - 19 votes (17.76%)

Now we’re getting into the heavy-hitters. I was not at all surprised by the popularity of Mr Ring-a-Ding in the slightest. Fans seem to have really embraced Mr Ring-a-Ding in a way seldom seen. The fan art shows not just an interest in the character, but a desire to partake in his reality alongside him. People are creating their own O.C.s within the Ring-a-Dingiverse. As a former kid whose dad once said “Why don’t you draw the next one without Sonic the Hedgehog eyes?” I get it. Like most cartoon characters, Mr Ring-a-Ding is designed with cuteness in mind. It’s not until reality starts creeping in and turning him three dimensional does he start to look slightly off-putting.

Mr Ring-a-Ding doesn’t just look cute, he acts cute as well. He sings, he dances, he capers. His little legs can barely carry him. The Lux aspect of his personality is where his menace is derived. There’s a Godlike lust for power and adoration in the cartoon heart of Lux. And yet, as he grows to a Biblical size that cracks open the roof of the Palazzo Movie Theatre, the light of the sun and the cosmos fills him with brilliant joy. We watch as Lux peacefully expands into everything and nothing all at once. It’s a surprisingly peaceful end to what could have been a very dangerous situation.

2. Adipose - 30 votes (28.04%)

While reading this article, you may have wondered if I voted in the poll, and yes, I did. The Adipose got my vote. Not only do I find them adorable, I even have one tattooed on my arm. The BBC must have known they were onto something with these because they made a plushie, a stress ball, and little Adipose action figures for their Character Options range. I own all three. As it turns out, the fat just walks right into your heart. But in a cute way, not a heart disease way.

So what is it about the Adipose that 29 other people and myself love so much? Well, for starters, they’re just sweet little babies, which never hurts. While their origins are of a deadly nature, they themselves are not evil. There’s also something about their fat little bellies and stubby limbs that screams “cuddle me!” Though one must wonder if giving an Adipose a cuddle would leave an oily residue on you. There’s also their little snaggle tooth that gives them just that extra kick of cuteness. Do teeth in a fat based creature make sense? Not really. Do I care? Not at all. Perhaps one of the funniest things about the Adipose is how I can imagine them working as a mutually beneficial weight loss program. I get to add more of these little cuties to the world while fitting better into my clothes? Yes please. Perhaps it was Adipose Industries’ secrecy that was their real mistake.

1. Dugga Doo - 37 votes (34.58%)

Unlike the Adipose, seemingly no one at the BBC predicted the popularity of Dugga-Doo. Which is funny because it’s so clearly internet coded. Not since Nyan Cat has something delivered such a viral mixture of sound and visuals. And like Nyan Cat, the 10-hour cut was inevitable. Neither Russell T Davies or the Beeb seemed to realise the marketing potential they had on their hands. Ncuti Gatwa’s reaction to the song on Doctor Who Unleashed should have been their indicator. One of the coolest, most stylish guys on the planet is grooving to your song? You might have a hit on your hands.