Booooom! Strawberries

While I was born in Kansas and am old enough to have watched Doctor Who in 1996, I didn’t actually catch it when it aired. At least, I don’t think I did. I have some hazy memories of seeing adverts or maybe parts of the episode. I also have vague recollections of watching Doctor Who on PBS, but it’s all a distant memory more akin to a dream by now. The point is, the first time I had ever endeavoured to watch Doctor Who, the show was already well into the Matt Smith era. So why start me on McGann and not Eccleston? Well, the answers are two-fold and simple- it was New Year's Eve, and it was a contained storyline. And honestly, my friend Mara chose right, because here we are today.

Recently, Big Finish did an advert referencing the Eleventh Doctor line about “the first face this face saw,” in reference to the Eighth Doctor’s original companion, Grace Holloway. While I love the idea of bringing back Daphne Ashbrook for some new audio adventures, I must protest, as the first face the Eighth Doctor saw belongs to Mad TV alumn Will Sasso, a fact which will never not fill me with a strange glee. I have always liked Will Sasso, and the fact that he’s part of the Whoniverse tickles me. It could be that he’s also part of another cult piece of media I love. That being the batshit insane Richard Kelly film Southland Tales, which feels depressingly more prophetic by the day. But there is something distinctly American about seeing Paul Timberman yell “Party on!” in our beloved Seventh Doctor’s weathered Scottish visage.

When I met Sylvester McCoy for the first time, I told him he was technically my first Doctor. He said, “Technically?” To which I replied that the TV movie was my first introduction to Doctor Who. As you should probably know, the TV movie doesn’t open with Paul McGann, but rather a wisened Seventh Doctor with a new waistcoat and a spiffing new TARDIS interior. Doing away with the sterile white and harsh lighting of the 1980’s TARDIS interiors, the Doctor finds himself lounging in a console room akin to a gothic cathedral. Now, perhaps I am biased, but this TARDIS interior may be my favourite of them all. It is equal parts cathedral, library, and observatory. And also one of the first indications of the direction the show may have taken.

The gothic look isn’t all that surprising. It was very hot in the ‘90s, with movies like Tim Burton’s Batman, The Crow, or Bram Stoker’s Dracula all using the style liberally. It was a time of Dutch angles of Dutch churches. This was a TARDIS console with autumn leaves littering the cloister room. If the Thirteenth Doctor’s console dispensed custard creams, the Eighth Doctor’s console dispensed pumpkin spice lattes. I’m pretty sure you could fix this TARDIS by burning a bit of sage inside. It’s no surprise that most of the Eighth Doctor fans you meet are often some form of goth or former goth. Whether they listen to Opeth or Bauhaus, they usually gather in flocks of eight outside a Pret-a-Manger to discuss “Chimes of Midnight.”

Another incredibly ‘90s element are the elaborate floor-standing candelabras. I don’t know what it was about the ‘90s, but those thin gold candelabras were everywhere. They always remind me of an RnB music video. Something that features a lot of windswept fabric and roses, the likes of which wouldn’t be seen again until Tommy Wiseau unleashed The Room upon the world. No matter how far the Eighth Doctor would have travelled through time, he’d never escape the 1990s, at least aesthetically. Had the show continued in this fashion, it would have probably continued looking like the music video for Seal’s “Kiss From a Rose,” and honestly, I kind of love that about it. 

Another indication of the show that may have been comes in the form of the opening sequence. And this is perhaps where some of the controversy begins. We’re given a bizarre sequence where the Master is put on trial and executed by the Daleks. I say bizarre because, since when do the Daleks put anyone on trial? They’re not so much “judge, jury, and executioner” as they are simply just “executioner.” We’ve seen Daleks ordered not to kill someone, and it’s like telling a dog not to eat the treat in front of it. It obeys, but the second you allow it, it’s going to annihilate its target. It’s unfortunate that one of the first lines in the entire film has already put off a portion of the audience. It’s the first of many unfortunate choices. Choices like showing a close-up of the Master’s eyes, which look like cheap contacts even without a 4K resolution. Choices like a very safe and uninspired rendition of the theme tune. And perhaps it was the culmination of unfortunate choices which killed any chance of further adventures.

Along with the confusing representation of the Daleks, we also hear their voices yelling “Exterminate!” in one of the biggest downgrades ever. Changing the vocoded Dalek voice for a more robotic mosquito voice is a mistake. You may like it, but you’d be wrong. In some ways, I’m kind of glad we never had to see those Daleks, though the Leekley Bible did tease a spider-like Dalek, which sounds badass. Hell, I even kind of like the idea of the Cybermen being called Cybs and taking on a more cyberpunk appearance. It reminds me of something you’d see from Annabel Jankel and Rocky Morton, such as Max Headroom or the ill-fated Super Mario Bros., and that’s sort of the rub when speaking about the TV movie. For all of its flaws, it possesses a spark of brilliance.

Our introduction to the Seventh Doctor is admittedly a bit on the nose. He’s surrounded himself with clocks. He’s reading The Time Machine. His sonic screwdriver rests inside a doctor's bag. But it’s the sort of cute stuff like this peppered throughout the episode which give it a great charm. For a product of the 90’s, it has a surprising lack of cynicism. That is, except maybe toward great American institutions like crippling medical debt and overzealous cops. There is an earnestness that is both effective and infectious, which is also the next Moffat villain. Copyright Donna Noble. The Doctor is having a little bit of hush while transporting the gooey remains of the Master back to Gallifrey. But gooey remains gonna gooey remain. The Master manages to slither à la Alex Mack silver puddle into the Doctor’s TARDIS console and mucks about with things. Which is interesting when you consider the ending, but let’s put a pin in that.

What happens next is somewhat coloured by my perspective as a person who has read The Eight Doctors by Terrance Dicks. You see, in the novel, the Master cheats death by ingesting a Deathworm. Hence why he’s able to slither about as a gooey snake, or Deathworm Morphant to be precise. But what’s even weirder is what we learn about the Seventh Doctor leading up to this moment. Evidently, he knew his time was coming, and he was starting to look forward to it. So in a way, when he opens the TARDIS door, which had literally just been pelted by gunfire, he was welcoming death. Wait, seriously, Terry? Jesus. Ok. I’m not sure if that’s better than the Doctor ignoring gunfire. You can’t tell me the Doctor didn’t hear that. It’s a weird way to take out the Doctor, but also not the weirdest way because he’s still not dead.

The TARDIS materialising saves the life of our young new companion, Chang Lee. But whose companion is he? Chang Lee feels indebted to the Doctor for saving his life, so he calls for an ambulance. But he’s not so indebted that he doesn’t fancy purloining a few of the Doctor’s belongings. I know there is a bit of a fan argument whether Chang is a companion and whether he was a companion of the Doctor or the Master. I have always sided on both. The movie sort of wraps things up while leaving it open-ended for Chang Lee or Grace to return. As companions go, I really like that he’s a bit of a misfit. He’s clearly a gang member who gets up to a bit of mayhem. He reminds me a little bit of Ace in that way. Bomb building, mansion burning, delinquent Ace McShane. However, above all else, Chang Lee’s most defining trait is that he’s a total dumbass. Or we could go with himbo. Yeah, that feels kinder.

We’re introduced in quick succession to the major players. We meet Bruce (played by Eric Roberts), the paramedic who transports the Doctor to the hospital. We also meet Grace, dressed like a Disney princess, at the opera with her boyfriend Brian. Brian looks suitably bored with the opera. He seems like he would be more comfortable filling the villain role in a movie where the hero is a skateboarding caveman. To make matters worse, Grace gets called away to surgery, leaving him there at the boring old opera on his own. No wonder he left her. Jokes aside, though, who sets up a date night when they’re on call at work? She bought tickets to an event. Made plans. Wore a big poofy dress and gloves. Come on, girl. You know Walker General Hospital’s got your pager number. Get it together.

Not since Peri has the introduction of a companion led to the Doctor’s death so quickly. I think this is a record breaker. The Doctor has been killed by the Master, the Cybermen, radioactive spiders, falling off his exercise bike, and now medical malpractice. As I said, the American healthcare system gets taken to the cleaners in this one. And deservedly so. In typical Doctor Who TV Movie fashion, people don’t act like people when the plot suits it. When the x-ray shows two hearts, nobody suggests taking a second x-ray. Nobody wonders why anesthetic doesn’t seem to work on the Doctor in the same way it would a human. Nobody listens to the Doctor when he pleads with them to stop. Nobody stops the procedure when the medical probe gets lost. Nope, let’s just jam it on in there!

The Oncoming Storm could never have anticipated the American healthcare system. It is like fire and ice and rage. Grace is understandably upset. After all, she just killed a guy. But the hospital buries the evidence of the mysterious two-hearted vagabond, causing her to quit her job in protest. This leaves Grace’s schedule nicely open for any future opera performances or dalliances with a certain swarthy Time Lord. But he’s not quite done cooking yet. No, our Doctor is chilling, quite literally, in the morgue. One thing I noticed this time around, which I’ve never paid much attention to before, is how weird this morgue is. Usually, morgues are depicted with a series of small refrigerated doors, but the Doctor’s gurney is wheeled into more of a walk-in fridge type thing. I guess this was necessary for the Doctor to be able to do his walking dead routine on poor Pete.

The regeneration scene offers the best of ‘90s morph technology. It may seem dated now, but those kinds of digital transformations were still pretty new back then. I remember playing with a morph program on my friend’s computer back in the day. It felt like movie magic back then. Now it’s pretty standard. The Doctor wanders his half-naked Jesus looking ass into what can only be referred to as the hospital’s haunted wing. I get that they’re probably renovating. I get that it’s supposed to be moody. But seriously, what is wrong with this hospital? There is quite literally a pipe just pouring water onto the floor, leaving waterlogged get-well cards and dolls from paediatrics to float up into your worst nightmares. Standing over a broken mirror, the Doctor theatrically asks the universe, “Who am I?”

Circling back to the season that never was, does anyone think that perhaps the Doctor’s weird memory issues might have continued plaguing him? They certainly do in the books. Perhaps this was an effort to establish more of the Who in Doctor Who. This Doctor’s mind seems to behave differently from past incarnations, but even more telling, from future incarnations as well. Not everything they added to the lore would stick, like being half-human on his mother's side. It would appear that while the show has decided that the Eighth Doctor is canon, his prophetic ability to see the future is not. Was it really prophecy, though? There are moments where the Doctor appears to remember the future as a time traveller. And there are other times where it appears he looks into someone’s soul and gives them cryptic advice. I get that they’re trying to advance the idea of what a Time Lord is, but it goes too far.

Meanwhile, the Master has hitched a ride in Bruce’s work jacket. In what can only be described as a sleep apnea advert on acid, the Deathworm Morphant forces itself down a sleeping Bruce’s throat. Finally, his wife can get a decent night’s sleep without his constant snoring. And good for her, as it’s the last sleep she’s ever going to get. She awakens to Bruce staring out the window in full camp mode. Bruce turns around, revealing the Master’s crappy snake eye contacts from the intro, but before she can react, he chokes the life out of her. Now, because it’s this version of Doctor Who, I need to ask- what is up with the Master’s eyes? Was it the Deathworm that gave him snake eyes? That seems like the most plausible reason, but then you remember the ingestion of the Deathworm happened within the books, not the show. So when they show the Master’s eyes superimposed over the Master’s execution scene, what was the implication? Was Terrance Dicks continuing an idea from the production bible, or did he pull that one from his own imagination? Honestly, I’ve not gotten that deep into the Leekley Bible to know the answer.

Taking over a dead man’s body is nothing new for the Master. Neither is living within a body that is actively decomposing. So I love this for him. Really, the only aspect about the Master here that is truly out of place is Bruce’s American accent. But who can complain when Eric Roberts is having so much damn fun? When he shows up in full Time Lord regalia, it feels like a natural progression of the campy arch villain he’s playing here. I love that the Master is given a companion in the form of Chang Lee. And while the Doctor’s means of conveyance is a police box, the Master has a boxy ambulance. If the Rani were to make an appearance, I wouldn’t be surprised if she completed the emergency services trifecta with a fire engine.

The Master convinces Chang Lee that the Doctor is evil and stole the Master’s remaining lives. Why you would believe a guy who calls himself the Master and dresses like a vampire is anyone’s guess. But this is himbo superstar Chang Lee we’re talking about here. Waft a couple of bags of gold dust in his face and he’ll believe anything you tell him. The Master uses Chang Lee’s human eyes to open the Eye of Harmony within the TARDIS. This marks a departure from original Gallifreyan lore, which established the Eye of Harmony on Gallifrey. What’s weird is that of the many changes the TV Movie made, this one actually stuck. Now every TARDIS has an Eye of Harmony of its own. Or perhaps some sort of conduit to the Eye on Gallifrey. Using the Eye of Harmony, the Master can follow the Doctor’s whereabouts, but every second the Eye is open threatens to tear the fabric of reality.

Perhaps one of the worst-paced aspects of the story occurs when the Doctor meets back up with Grace. He goes from a man wearing a toe tag in the back of her car, to a man dancing in her ex’s shoes, to a man kissing her under the stars. You would think with the rapport and understanding they’ve built, she wouldn’t then push to have him sectioned. Not even when the evidence of reality unravelling presents itself does she change. It takes the Doctor phasing through a glass window for her to get on board.

The Doctor and Grace need to find a barillium clock to correct the flow of time. Luckily, Grace is on the board of trustees for the Institute for Technical Advancement and Research, which just so happens to have a barillium clock they’re unveiling at midnight at the turn of the millennium. That’s right, this story takes place in the future year of 1999. Woah! Trippy. The Doctor manages to steal the barillium chip for the TARDIS. Only when they arrive, they find a group of security guards have been slimed by the Master’s weird new Deathworm powers. The Doctor gets the chip and springs the fire alarm to make an escape.

I love the group of characters we meet at the Institute’s gala event. The security guard who remains unaffected by confetti. Professor Wagg with his zen recitations of “Om.” Or Gareth, nervous about his upcoming exams. But really, this story is full of great little one-off characters like Pete or Nurse Curtis, who loves a bit of gossip about Asian children. “Bruce, you’re sick,” she says while salivating for more hot goss. For all of the pilot’s flaws, characterisation was not one of them. Though I must say, I’ve never met an American named Gareth. And no Americans celebrate New Year's Eve with a fancy dress party. It’s like when Ted Lasso depicted Keeley using the leg lamp from “A Christmas Story” as a Christmas decoration. British people don’t know that movie. It doesn’t matter how American Wild Bill Hickok was; nobody is dressing as him to bring in the New Year. Though it is a useful opportunity for the Doctor to once again steal his wardrobe from a hospital locker room.

The Doctor takes himself hostage to commandeer a police motorcycle. This leads to a big stupid police chase that kind of leads nowhere. But I like it. It’s a Pertwee moment. They even get a great visual gag from the police man driving his motorcycle in and out of the TARDIS. I don’t care how jaded a fan you are, that shit is funny. The Doctor and Grace can now close the Eye, but even with the Eye closed, the Earth is still in danger. The Eye of Harmony has been open too long, and so the Doctor must not go back before the Eye was ever opened. Only now, the TARDIS’s power is drained from the Eye being open too long, so he must jumpstart the TARDIS using the Eye. Are you following? Because woof.

We don’t really see how the Master and Chang Lee make their way back into the TARDIS, but the Master manages to take over Grace’s mind, allowing him to capture the Doctor. The Doctor wakes up in a Clockwork Orange get-up to force him to look into the Eye of Harmony and allow the Master to steal his body. But the Doctor manages to convince Chang Lee that the Master is evil, and Chang Lee frees the Doctor at the cost of his and Grace’s lives. The Doctor wrestles power away from the Master, who then gets sucked into the pull of the Eye of Harmony, which closes up behind him.

The Doctor uses the TARDIS to restore Chang Lee and Grace to life, and they go back in time to put things right. It’s a bit hand-wavy, and I am not sure how much of it I was able to recount accurately, but that’s the best I can do as a person who has seen the TV movie several times. Obviously, it’s not done incredibly well because I’m still not 100% certain. Lots of important moments seem to happen off-screen. The Doctor says goodbye to Chang Lee, whom he gifts with the bags of gold dust. Surprisingly, the Doctor and Grace also part ways. I imagine this was to give the pilot some semblance of an ending in case it didn’t get picked up as a series, which, as it turned out, was a smart move. I imagine if they had gone to series, they’d have found some way to bring Grace and maybe even Chang Lee back into the story.

Remember how I put a pin in the Master getting eaten by the TARDIS? I’m curious if they had plans to bring him back. I’m pretty sure the TARDIS burped when the Master got absorbed, which is movie language for someone being well and truly eaten. But the Sarlaac pit burped when Boba Fett fell in, and that dude crawled right back out. Does nobody respect the burp anymore? I bring this up because, for a brief moment, the TARDIS appears to have some indigestion from eating some bad Master. The Doctor then gives the TARDIS console a bit of wellie, and it kicks back into gear. Now, this could be a bit of a joke, but we’ve seen earlier in the story a sequence where the Deathworm Morphant disables the TARDIS by entering the console. Perhaps the Master was going to manifest as gremlins throughout the goodship TARDIS. It could have been fun.