Stuck In My Daydreams

AP: Hi! I'm the host, and I'm Alyssa. I've realized i was plural for about two years now, but i've only come to terms with it for the past year. I don't post a lot about my system because i don't feel really valid, but i've listened to a lot of endos speaking over the year i've been here, and it's made me feel a lot safer to come out and speak! I want to say that I'm pro tulpa, pro endo, and pro traumagenic (not that any endo is anti traumagenic!! just that IM not!!) and I want to post more and talk about Alexandria and Oliver! If you have literally ANY questions, please don't hesitate to ask them.

A: I'm Alexandria, and I first formed a very long time ago. We can't pinpoint an exact time frame, but i'd say it started around 2017 when Alyssa was in a deep depression. She didn't notice it at the time, but she was heavily depressed, and turned to maladaptive daydreaming. I was one of the characters she daydreamed, and she found a lot of comfort through me! Over the years i was used for multiple different daydream worlds, and other para's were created. Non sentient ones. real para's, but i've always stayed the same. I was the common denominator. It was always me!!!!!!! A little about me: I can front if I really want to, and sometimes i do. Sometimes alyssa specifically asks me to front and deal with things, and sometimes i dont just because i can't handle it. Other times i front because it's fun to be in control. I still exist in daydreams, and i love playing out situations with Alyssa and Oliver. It's such a special bond we all hold together that i feel other people wouldn't get. I've helped Alyssa with a lot of things and sometimes it's harder to talk with other people because they just don't understand where i'm coming from. I like to help out whenever possible, but only when i can. I try my best, but just like Alyssa, I have my own struggles i deal with like autism and OCD. It doesn't help that Oliver doesn't fully get it, but the part that does help is that he's always supportive, even when he doesn't understand. I'm thankful he's there for me, and we started dating almost two years ago.

O: Hi. I'm Oliver. I was formed about two years ago, almost three now. I'm 27 and in the inner world, the paracosm, so to speak, i run things. I keep things working smoothly, and protect the people around me, specifically alexandria. She can be reckless sometimes, and it's nice to keep her in line. I'm half serious, half joking about that. There's not much i can do for Alyssa besides advising her on the right route of action, but i can't front the same way Alex can. Alyssa and Alex can talk a lot better than Alyssa and I can talk. I'm very closed off. Very reserved. I like being useful, and when i'm not useful, i feel my voice isn't necessary. I've helped write a book about our experiences in the Maladaptive Daydream world, which is just one of our many experiences together. We experience a sandbox paracosm which means we hop from realm to realm, all maintaining very similar storyline, and always us. Always us. And also Avery, my assistant. She's a very nice lady, and is friends with Alex, but she isn't sentient. She's just another para whom we love dearly. She's there for us when Alyssa is there for us, and needs her to be. It's very tricky business to work through my own business plans when Avery isn't around to help, but I always manage it with Alex.

To start off, let's assume we all have a general understanding of maladaptive daydreaming disorder. I feel like Coraline is a perfect representation for maladaptive daydreaming.

to start off, we see Coraline struggling with her daily life. She's just moved, and she's very bored. Not only is she bored, but she actively feels neglected. Her parents are very busy, and can't pay attention to her, can't get enough food in the fridge, and can't fulfill her every whim (NOT that they should!!!! just a point that they don't, and daydreams DO)

When Coraline enters the Other World, she's presented with a perfect life. Perfect family, perfect friends, perfect food, perfect activities, and perfect clothes. Everything is to her making. There would be no reason for her to leave! This is very similar to daydreaming for me. A similar, but parallel world, just like my daydreams.

The more and more she goes to the other world (or daydreams) she's falling deeper and deeper into the illusion of this being a good place. She doesn't notice the harm its causing her, and those around her. She doesn't notice anything wrong until it's too late, and she can't leave.

I feel like this is a perfect allegory for daydreaming, and how you can get stuck in a pattern of daydreaming without even meaning to. You can get trapped, so to speak. I think it's really interesting the way you can draw parallels to the two, and it makes me feel like Coraline is a perfect metaphor for my maladaptive daydreamings.

It hits those who are looking for something deeper outside of their real lives. people who are troubles, traumatized even, and people who are looking for some kind of an escape, only for it to be a darker twisted version of what they were expecting. It stole their souls. It ate away at them.

When she does come back to reality, it's been multiple days. we see that the food and produce has gone bad, and attracted flies. What was one day and one night in the other reality was multiple days in the real world, long enough for food to rot. The same way daydreaming can take up hours of your day, and interfere with your living abilities.

but then you write a book (or fnafic) about them, and it's basically your para speaking for themselves and writing out their life story.

i have pregnant para's. i've always assumed its SOME sort of coping mechanism linked to my childhood trauma (i.e: think, literally safety bubble). it feels embarrassing whenever i talk about it to people and i've had MULTIPLE people IRL joke that i MUST have a pregnancy fetish. theres nothing sexual about it in the least bit, in fact, its as maternal as pregnancy irl is. its a feeling of safety, comfort, and as previously mentioned, a literal protective bubble that i almost view as shielding my inner child.

this can be difficult though, because sometimes i want to get in character. it's extremely difficult bc i'm not pregnant nor do i have any intention of ever being pregnant. this is mega uber entirely embarassing to admit but there are times where i've considered buying those fake pregnancy bellies just to be able to touch it and have the physical stimuli to make it more real.

So im gonna start this off by saying, maladaptive daydreamers dont have an innerworld, persay. We have a paracosm. Some paracosms can be small sandbox worlds that we have scenario’s play out in, but other paracosms are carefully crafted world with details picked out down to the smallest pebble placement. Along with this, we dont have headmates. Instead, we have our para’s. Our community has built up quite a hefty amount of words to help explain ourselves. One of these words is a ‘veritbond’.  a veritbond is a special kind of para. Veritbond has a very loose definition and includes: a para you have a deep emotional connection too, a para that is aware to some degree they are “not real”, a para that has some degree of autonomy. A para only has to meet one of these to be a verit, and experiences vary.

Now i’m going to start speaking from personal experience here and say, i’ve got multiple para’s who are unaware. But my veritbond? She’s aware. She has her own personality, her own thoughts, her own feelings. When i’m stressed or upset, i either talk TO her, or through her to the characters. Its not the best explanation but for me its like the avatar movie where all the other Na'vi people are apart of their own community and their own world thats away from where Jake stays. But he’s able to just…teleport there. Sometimes i just teleport to my daydreams. Other day’s im the narrator. And others, i’m just an observer as things play out. 

the definition of plurality is  “the state of having multiple headmates collectively sharing a single body. Plural experiences are extremely diverse. Headmates are generally assumed to have their own unique personality. They often have their own names, pronouns, goals, and preferences.”