Thoughts by Tajit

xix. “SAVE YOURSELF (I’m Done)” Save for yourself a penny Because you’re gonna need it Save for yourself a memory Because that’s all I am Save for yourself a moment Because I gave you too many chances Save for yourself someone who cares Because I have finally topped Save for yourself a prayer Because I have none left for you Save yourself a selfish moment Because you stole all mine Save yourself from the hole you dug Because I no longer will Save yourself a friend That will give you the space you so crave Because I just wasn’t the friend you needed Save yourself from the lies you spewed Because I’m the only one who knew Save yourself from yourself Because you think you’re better than everyone I would ask you to save me But you wouldn’t know how I would ask you to forgive me But you don’t know how to forgive yourself I would ask you to come back into my life But I don’t want the toxicity ruling my life again I would ask you what I need to do to fix it all But I’m not the one who needs to fix anything I would have a conversation with you But I was always the one to blame Because you could never do any wrong Because you’re perfect Because you have no faults But I’ve got news for you: You’re just as fucked up like the rest of us

“And thus he remains, Damned, enslaved to bitterness”

I feel lost In a place so familiar and warm I feel abandoned By the ones I thought cared I feel hopeless That my future is cold and empty And in the apathy I have lost

xvi. “GAEA” There is a beauty in the hills The orange painted clouds Not hidden by the acid wash of the city White moons unveiling the path home Red hot daylight frightening The things in the blackness There is a harmony in the beauty A kind of calm Hidden behind the silence Before the coming storm A faint clap in the distance Where gods fight with crackling light There is a power in the harmony A fearsome but merciful celestial being Watching over this Gaea Willingly letting ants live on In this Gaea Subtle reminders of its existence The thunder, the light in the sky The harmony of the falling rain The raw power of the sea, of water The peaceful falling of white winter magic The focused force of the wind The strength of earth, violent expulsions of fire

xv. “DON’T CARE” Unable to write for ages Because there was nothing My mind blank because I was living life All that got me down Was in the rearview mirror But now it all comes crashing down around Don’t care about rhyming Don’t care about being poetic It never helped anyway Hid all raw emotion Behind false metaphors And hid all imperfection in my thoughts This cross I bear Bears striking resemblances To a man revered A holy man Yet all I feel Diseased, broken, unloving, uncaring Your words are poison Yet you blame me You blame me because you’re unfeeling Unable to navigate your own short-comings Your own hypocrisy Your own mistakes Your basis for justification Your insanity inside false sanity You have become the same person you despise You take everything out of context And blame the first person that crosses you You are false, ignorant, inane Uncaring, heartless, cold Hostile, relentless, recusant Frail, spineless, annoying Exhausting, adverse, disgusting

xvi. “Maestro Revisited” “Pendulum” A voice rings in my head An unfamiliar sound But all the while familiar Like another crescendo swinging Above me, just waiting for me To finally lie down on the deathbed I thoughtlessly built Impatiently waiting to cut me in half And as this pendulum swings I remember a perfect melody I created For someone special years before I succumbed to the disease of my heart This stone cold, ice encased organ Once warm, as the melody played on the orchestra Now just a memory A memory of a time when I was young Idealistic Idiotic “Death” These tired strings have been plucked to death The volume has blown the speakers The orchestra has completely consumed the stage And the torture will never end I’ve hit every key with my heavy heart My heart has completely bled on the bow And the world’s saddest melody Has been played My heart of stone froze the percussion It never thundered and this song will never have a beat Forsaken it will live Discarded it will stay Forgot the lines Gave my life to these words And I drowned inside the pain I grieved Took it all away, a bloody mess My piano grieves and I’m finally free From the monotony of this bittersweet love

Tomorrow marks the day When the penny you kept For the ferryman’s ship Was finally spent I hope your sea-voyage Was as wonderful As the sunset on the beach When you left the waking world I still hear you in your studio Slaving away at your steel Trying to find that perfect melody Always getting frustrated When the string you needed Would break I grew inspired by your tenacity At trying to find that perfect melody And began searching for my melody And I’m saving a penny just like you did As a reminder to live each day As if it’s my last So I’ll see you again next year Here on the beach Where we sat and watched Your last sunset Here in my memories

xii. “I HATE YOU”   I hate you for the spot you left me in I hate you for abandoning me I hate you for driving me To the cliff where I now teeter Between the brink of letting the tide consume me Or let life continue to beat me into the ground I hate you for leaving me I hate you for thinking of only yourself I hate you for not thinking about What would happen to me After you leave I hate you for driving me out I hate you for not talking to me I hate you for telling everyone but me I hate you for letting me be the last to know I hate you for cheating on me I hate you for everything But mostly I hate myself Not seeing the signs I hate myself for denying the truth I hate myself for being completely dependent on you I hate myself for falling for you And I hate myself for being weak When I should have been strong

xi. “YOU” Woke up this morning Thinking I’ll just drink I’ll drink away your memory But then I remember That all that does Is give me a few hours relief Woke up this morning I could feel every piece fall I felt my walls crack I felt everything begin to tear Beginning to tear me apart All I could think of Was falling down again Woke up this morning Thinking I could fight your memory With someone new But that wouldn’t be fair To me or them Because you stole the best of me The parts of me that I want That I both want back And at the same time don’t Because that was the best of me When I was with you And I don’t want that back Or you But I can’t help but compare Them to you Because you’re all I knew And now I have to move on Or try to Because moving on from you Is harder than I thought

It felt like a dream Like a thousand nightmares Escaped from a dreamcatcher You told me you needed To work on yourself So go on Go and fix what needs to be fixed Because I won’t be here when you get back I’ll just be a memory in your dreamcatcher Sat on the cliff overlooking the sea That we created With a box of your things A match and your picture And I set them ablaze I decided that I need to find myself too So I’ll keep a memory of you In my dreamcatcher Left a note I wanted to tell you But I was so angry, so hurt, and so betrayed That what I wrote, I would’ve regretted So I’ll just file it away Just a memory of the end That I’ll let my dreamcatcher absolve It felt like a hundred knives Gripping my back, my dignity But you pulled them out One by one, pierced my heart And I bled Forever reminded to trust so carefully Love lost again And this beating heart Returns to its frozen place A heart of stone Forever scorned, forever lost

Meandering through the light My legs stop short of the edge of a cliff I look down and see the blackness I see beady red eyes, staring back at me My body shifts from ease to fear I know what they are They are the faceless things The things you fear at night The demons at the doorway The things seen out Of the corner of your eyes Wandering around in the nothingness I hear a familiar noise That isn’t coming from the nothing It’s coming from me The last thing you hear Before you die Is the sound of your own scream As your vision fades The last thing you see Is a wispy black figure With fire for eyes And then nothing

Keep all your malice Regarded so close behind A thick wall of green Betraying a sin of lust For a friend Hide away all the lies That you told yourself Behind curtain’s in kind For fear they’ll be heard By the one who hurt you Suppress the sadness you feel For in time it shall blend Into hate and despair After sending you through Seven layers of shame Confess your true thoughts Through a song and a rhyme Because you’re too afraid To look down and sigh After you were abandoned On the cross you constructed For yourself Reach inside the shame and malice To find behind it The love and support of The one you adore the most For in time you shall know All the sorrow he feels The happiness he alludes to Just deeper and better You were friends long before You were lovers so dear

And then I wake from the dream built movie Remembering that life is worth living Worth living through the one adventure Never conquered

vi. “Gone”   Sat outside the day you died With a glass of wine Remembering you, everything Or tried to While at the same time Tried to remember to breathe That you went to a better place A red sun rose the day after And it wasn’t much easier I had to spend half the day Remembering it wasn’t a dream Or recurring nightmare on repeat But you’re gone And we have to begin healing Because it doesn’t pay To allow the grief to kill us I just have to remember to breathe And face each day as if I’m still alive Continuing to wake up And convince myself that you’re gone I just have to remember That you’re in a better place A place where you can Ride the train in town Converse with the man in the sky Like you did everyday I just have to remember That you’re home in paradise Playing the steel That you spent years telling me Was my calling, a Siren’s Song I have to keep moving forward Because every day I wake up Knowing that you’re gone Because it’s easier to breathe With every passing day So every year I’ll return To this place on the shore And spend the day with you

I sometimes read back Through all my written works Partly to find out where I can improve In the future And to remember Memories are a fickle thing The bad ones can send you reeling And put you at the edge Of a terrifyingly deep ocean And the good only stand tall To remind you why you live Little moments in time that remind you You wouldn’t have been there If you had let yourself go Off that deep-end of tragedy Sometimes I weight them And it scares me Because I’ve come to realize The bad out-weigh the good right now But I don’t allow myself to fall to despair Because I have found the love of one The one voice that could save me Could pull me away from the edge Because pain proves we’re alive And what a time it is to be alive “There is grandeur in this view of life...” - C. Darwin v. “Lorewalker” I’ve done a lot of changing In such a short amount of time Where anger would have overtaken me I try as hard as I can to breathe To compartmentalize things That would cause me to say Things I would regret Hold against myself Or have others harbor grudges towards me Where sadness would have left a busy creek Now trickles out of understandings Where hate would burn Now lights the fire that keeps them warm Where misunderstandings grew Now a beautiful meadow For all to learn from And watch beautiful stars streak Across wide open space An open mind So I’ve done a lot of changing In such a short amount of time I understand a lot more Than I once did And I can make peace with all the wrongs For it would be wrong of me To carry these grudges Others might carry towards me I am a hypocrite A lowly man just beginning To understand more than just himself I am a storyteller One who walks with lore One who can tell a tale Made of truth and forgiveness Of love and understanding “If you ever will love me, all I need is a little room to breathe.” - You Me At Six

I am fake I wear this façade I hide away I am but smoke and mirrors I am just a faceless man Just a shell of who I used to be A faceless husk

I'll not let them end me I will fight, I will always choose you