Some Thoughts

Like a solid black colour.

And I cannot stop glancing at them...

We got a problem now.

No, seriously. The nail polish is not even a good brand and dear lord it's like my nails are trying to get my attention.

Now, it's been a good long while since l painted them but my zero level will power just wants me to kick its shins.

l am not a bad painter, like l painted on them with my non-dominant hand with precision and the required two coats of glamor but why... it's painful sometimes, really.

Even now at this very second my eyeballs subconsciously dart over to my thumb which helps my other thumb type this.

The question is: Is it just me or do others also need to take a good look at their own fingers, which they have had for their whole life, just to make sure that some heretic has not taken the steering wheel on their eye muscles?

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And we're back at it.

You ever realize boredom will make you do things you kept procrastinating about? (Like this post) 

But don’t tell that to anybody!

We’re here - or rather I am here - to pass the time because no one’s at home at the moment. I really feel my keyboard’s not helping to dissipate the silence in this house....

It’s hot today, it was hot yesterday, it will be hot tomorrow, whatever. Either way it’s uncomfortable to sit in an awkward position in my chair and have my sweat-sticky elbows planted on the desk as I attempt to write an essay about my own lack of creativity on holidays as I keep counting the number of days I have left to sleep till 10 and do everything however the hell I want. I also gotta pee. 

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I have relieved myself of discomfort and also found sustenance. (it’s just peanuts and a banana, btw.)

Anyways, boredom. It has come to get me. I am really trying hard to write something meaningful. Perhaps, the intensity with which I was occupied since November or even earlier just had an equal and opposite reaction and now I  feel like I am suspended in the air, which is impossible. Or I am more likely attached to my bed with the metal body of my phone brushing my fingertips always while I am living existing in my own head.

I don’t have it in me to write random lines on random topics because I have done that before and it was so embarrassing, I deleted that blog. Don’t ever do that, it will cause you about a hundred regrets and wanting to yeet yourself off of whatever surface you are sitting on or standing. 

See, do something, anything. Look where it got me. Where l kept writing about me not writing anything meaningful, I just ended up creating GOLD relatable content. I don’t mean to brag but - Goddamn. l am smiling. I just took a bite out of my half-eaten banana. 

Summing up, readers, I just got work done. It was nice, except now I will probably go back to square one - on thinking what to do next, or maybe, actually do something next, like putting the banana peel in the trash and the bowl of peanuts in the sink.

I like staying quiet. Perhaps because I am an overthinker, even if l don’t look like one. And I don’t know if people tend to see everything around them but I observe too much. Or maybe too little.

I believe there is some hypocrisy in us. In our personalities and attitudes, even if we deny it. A lot of times, you’ll find yourself comparing a person who did something unbecoming or inconvenient, to you. You will think that you could have done the same thing in a better way and provided an easier solution. I often find myself doing this. No matter how much I preach about equality and feminism quotes on Pinterest, I still become rude or hypocritical at times. I think to myself – ‘Try better next time. Don’t judge them, it’s just what they could think of.’ The next time, however, I end up iterating the cycle.

My point is, there will always be hypocrisy in you – to some extent. If we were all equal and fair, no one would be equal and fair. Human nature compels you to find flaws in every possible aspect of your life. To be perfectly candid, there is nothing much you can do but simply let it be. Because at times, not everything needs to be positive.

I am surrounded by a lot of people. Like my teachers and peers and family. My schoolmates, for instance, have been around me for several years and I know them quite well. When we were in middle school, I used to have a presumption about almost everyone I knew. I was stubborn that this girl was nosy and that that boy was rude. Later on, there was a long pause and we were not around each other. But, a lot of those presumptions stayed with me; even when I grew older, made new friends and forgot others. When we got back, I was pleasantly surprised. Not just on seeing everyone’s physical appearances but also the moments when I got to interact with them.

I came to the conclusion that I observe too much. Because that one month was quite a reset. All of them had forgotten – or moved on from the fact that – we had had arguments or even significant fights. I spoke to a lot of people for the very first time; even if they had been right there for a decade!

It dawned on me that people can be good and they can change for their own good. It was just me who matured earlier and felt that others would remain the same while I would go on to become an adult. How strangely the mind works!

I now jump onto a new trend. Imperfection is the new perfection. (My friends would definitely call me a hypocrite on this one because I can get fussy about trivial things.) Earlier, communities used to be married to the idea of perfection. The perfect family or the perfect child or the perfect behaviour. Now, we don’t do perfectly. We do imperfectly. (That’s quite a hip thing to say, I must admit.) Why? I’ll just guess, my imperfect answer.

Society took perfection to ungodly heights, in my opinion. Everything had to be in a certain way. It was like that psychology - the more you suppress an emotion or put barriers over things, the more you long for them, and the more inquisitive you become. I am not saying those times were bad, but that nature hung in the air. Opinions weren’t popular, per se. There was definitely some external influence, but I don’t know what changed at that time. I suppose we found flaws in the status quo and disrupted it.

And today, I believe that the reason why imperfection is so powerful is that we want to portray ourselves in the most humane way. It’s like an overly emphasized justification for our mistakes by making those mistakes. Again, if we were all perfect no one would be perfect and again your human nature will do this reverse psychology trick and find flaws and that whole picture in understanding is mind-blowing.

To conclude my very long thoughts, I would say that I would not at all prefer to put lines like - ‘Let’s be positive about everything and hope for the best.’

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