#thoughtfulstuff

I think I've too high an expectation on myself. And you will reply who doesn't? For me, I think its rock-high to the extend of perfection. Why is it that one small little quiz that I did badly in is making me so upset?

Story starts when I have this online quiz that I can do it at home, which also means it's an open book quiz. I scored 6 out of 10 questions of MCQs and I got really moody and sad even though I still thank God that I passed and stuff like that. I dont know why I got so upset and affected by it until I came to this conclusion, I'm too hard on myself.

영원히 너와 꿈꾸고 싶다

I have been trying to avoid the topic on friendship since 2 years back. Seems to me that nothing ever last. Forever is just another word you use and forget, you sing and let go, you say and walk away.

Yes I've been hurt, I'm afraid, I'm trying to escape.

I just can't face everything that I've faced 2 years back. As much as those events, incident were really difficult to face and deal with, I don't have much collection of what really happened. I can't remember what situation was I put into. I can't remember the feeling at that point of time.

I feel numbed.

As I meet new people, I say to you, "Hi, you're just a friend. We'll just be friends." And mentally add a note to self: there's no such things as best, friends, forever.

Life is like a train ride, you're on the train and you have a destination to go to. And passengers get up and down all the time. The only difference is how long they've stayed in the train with you. What were the events that happened together with the current passengers in your train.

There's only one thing that will accompany you to your destination. Which is the train itself. After all, everyone have different destinations they have to head to. We can't go towards the same purpose, place and destination. It may seem at a certain point of time where you feel/think that you've found that person who's heading the same direction, please ask yourself again.

Everyone is an escapist in their own ways. I am not excluded from it. As much as I would like to perform, as much as I loved to perform, as much as I love standing on stage, as much as I loved the attention people gave, as much as I love singing, as much as I love singing as a group, as much as I love sense of satisfaction, I realized that I can't continue doing that anymore. 

I escape.

Not because the passion died, not because my schedule doesn't allow it, and certainly not because I don't like the people there. I just realized that the direction that the whole group were going towards, the feeling that I get from each practice, the reason for performing are all wrong. Generation gap, you may say. 

To me, it's never about how well we can sing although that's important. It's about getting together, having fun just singing. I guessed the group just grew too ambitious for my stomach to contain.

Lets not talk about the true meaning of Christmas, I know that full well. But about what this season means to you? What do you really do during this season? For me, it's the season to be poor. Recently I asked myself why must there be a gift exchange segment during Christmas? Isn't Christmas about Jesus' birth? Or are we too used to the idea of Santa climbing down our chimney and place gifts by our bedside.

Is Christmas the legit reason for an gift exchange? Why can't we do it on New Year's? Or Thanksgiving? Why Christmas?

Christmas has been so commercialized that even Churches themselves hold gift exchange parties. I'm not saying it's wrong. But I just don't see the real reason for that. Not when you have 5 parties to attend, and all of them requires you to buy gifts for exchange. All if one gift is $10, 5 would mean $50 gone. Not forgetting the meals need to be paid for too.

I just want to listen to some really nice Christmas song, jazz, blues. We will just meet at our usual place. We'll hang around the place, drinking, chatting, talking about how the year has been. All the misunderstandings that happened over the years. Great company, great atmosphere, great occasion.