thanks for joining my stream of consciousness. I am feeling very lost these days!

the word keeps returning to my mind, like an old friend who calls me once then twice when they think of me. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life anymore!

I had a real sense of purpose and direction, trying to embody the version of Christian womanhood I'd claimed in my early twenties. I smiled a lot and walked the line and did everything I felt I had to do in order to be accepted and cared for. and it worked! I had a lot of friends, I experienced amazing things, I travelled and felt assured that in some way, everything was going to work out for good.

but slowly, inevitably, it all fell apart. I couldn't keep pretending, my doubts overwhelmed me, I felt alienated by my own strangeness and inability to play house. I dated men and never opened up to them, and they knew, and I knew they only wanted me because I ticked the relevant boxes in their head. my actual personhood was so buried and unknowable that I distanced myself. they'll never know me; perhaps, I never gave them a chance to try.

I feel like I'm moving towards a more truthful life at the slowest pace imaginable. I'm trying to reconcile two sides of me - the half that fits in with Christians and the half that fits in with everyone else. for so long I tried so hard to please everyone, but I failed to understand what actually made me happy, or what I actually wanted. I knew something wasn't right, I couldn't quite shake the feeling, and in abandoning everything I once knew, I've entered a chasm. I feel messy, uncertain, unable to claim anything with certainty - I'm not fully 'in' or 'out'. the word lukewarm is genuinely the best description of my current state and I know the pejorative meaning it carries. yet it feels honest, at least.

I don't know what this journey is going to bring me. I might deconstruct entirely and throw away my faith and regenerate into a new person who can speak authoritatively about the limits of organised religion. I might retreat to the familiar hymns that held me for many years, seek safety in the community I once loved, and surrender myself to the fact that I'll always hold my breath in those spaces - even just a little bit. I used to tolerate a lot of discomfort, but now I'm tired. people tell me I should prioritise my needs, but I'm still figuring out what they are.

I guess what I'm saying is that there's a third space, between faith and doubt, and I rest there, or at least I try to. I don't know many people who also reside there - it seems like there's a magnetic pull that eventually forces everyone to decide, take a side, make a stand, all the familiar militaristic language that accompanies claiming a belief or worldview. but I just want to stretch my legs and enjoy the grass beneath me, for a bit. I just want to breathe.

I feel unrecognisable to myself; I look in the mirror and fail to grasp how I got here, what happened, where did my youth go, how do I look so young and old at the same time? I'm alone and I chose this path; I rejected every man, even the one I truly loved.

the One who promised He'd always be there probably still stands at the door and waits to be invited in, but I feel like I'm too broken for Him, even though I'm assured there is no such thing. I think He tried to heal me for a long time, but I chose to abandon Him anyway. in doing so I gave up on myself.

like today I didn't wear makeup and I kept wondering why my skin looked extra glowy and lovely?