Posting daily until I find a Canadian gf.

I'm autistic, have OCD, (likely ADHD), and bad social anxiety so I'm a bit of a shut-in and have never had any real irl friends. I hate leaving the house and only really ever do for appointments. I also never learned to drive, have never had a job, and am currently attending online university.

Additionally, I am trans 🏳️‍⚧️, but not in the typical sense. I am biologically male, and I identify as a boy, however I'm transitioning physically to have a female body. Essentially I wanna be a boy is a girl's body. I've been on HRT for a year and a half now and I'm definitely feeling much more comfortable with my body. It's a bit outside of the norm, (can't even find an official name for it so I primarily indentify as genderqueer) but I'm gonna be what I wanna be!

I'm a very mature, intelligent person (if not a bit uh... thirsty sometimes from having been so lonely 😭), but I also can be very fun too! I do talk a lot though, especially when it's a topic I'm super autistic about (Ace Attorney). In my spare time I love playing video games, my favourite genre being murder mystery visual novels like Ace Attorney, Danganronpa, and AI: The Somnium Files but I also like all kinds of games! (Including Deltarune, Undertale, Hollow Knight, Subnautica, Little Nightmares, Minecraft, Terraria, Honkai: Star Rail, Reverse: 1999, and of course the GOAT: My Singing Monsters) I also really enjoy doing voice acting, building LEGOs, and I'm a very creative and talented writer especially with writing dialogue. I'm even working on a (currently anonymous) fan game project with my best friend and I really wanna become a full-fledged game director some day.

Overall, I want to meet more people like me, other shut-ins who are too neurodivergent to do normal people things. I get very anxious very easily dealing with people who are different from me, especially in terms of life experience, as much as I hate that my brain works like this, it's been something I dealt with for years and years now. So far all my life I've only met one person like me so far (my absolute BFF). I'm gonna keep this blog up until I find the ultimate and ideal partner for me:

🔥 A pale, mature, autistic transfem Canadian shut-in my age, with glasses who is also attending online university. 🔥

There's gotta be like... at least like three out there right? No clue what I'm gonna yap about everyday but like I said I talk a lot so I'll figure it out! As I stated before, I recently had my trust betrayed and was hurt really badly by someone I thought was my close friend, so I think writing whatever is on my mind everyday will help me distract from the pain and anxiety of it. I'm sure not many people will actually read it but it really does still help.

Additionally, I am a teetotaler, meaning I do partake in alchol or other substances like that, nor have I ever have or ever will. I personally find that stuff disgusting and have no interest in interacting with anyone that does it. It's incredibly anxiety-provoking for me, it just really freaks me out and I want to stay away from it. So each of my posts will just have a disclaimer at the bottom just so people know this if anyone is ever interested in reaching out. I just can't handle that anxiety of talking to people that have done that stuff... It's just.. blegh yucky.

Anyway, signing off for now y'all! 👋

Okay so, Nine Sols. Finished it last week and holy hell what a game. I'd give it a solid 8.5 outta 10 maybe? Maybe 9, hard to say. I really liked the story and the characters, very cool. The combat was super epic, even if it definitely does take a bit to get used to. I feel like the jades system is kinda similar to charms in Hollow Knight right, you kinda end up sticking to one thing you like and don't really have enough skill or time to try something else.

But no the story, the overall game direction, really great. Eigong was a great final boss in terms of the overall combat of the game. Hard but like fittingly hard if that makes sense. And yeah just the characters in general were great man. Y'know like... I talked to my BFF about this. It really feels like the kind of game that would work so well as an animated series y'know? Obviously it'd be a little difficult to format but the characters have so much chemistry and the dialogue is so well done and witty that it'd just work so well. Oh also bruh.. credits music with lyrics??? 😭 Absolutely banger, loved it, great song! Overall very good game, I'm sad it's over.

In other game news! Last night I started VA-11 Hall-A! I remember I watched a little bit of it wayyyyy back through a YouTuber I liked but I never actually continued with that since eventually I got the game myself. I've played, let's see.. 62 minutes and OH MY GOSH I LOVE THIS GAME MAN!!!!! The vibes, the music, the art style and OH MY GOSHHHH THE DIALOGUEEEEE!!!! It's so incredibly well written. It's witty, it's insightful and in depth. It's just so cool so far. The vibes are just fantastic and I can't wait to play more absolutely. Dude this game would be so awesome to voice act. Y'know, I love voice acting and it's like.. with a lotta VNs I kinda end up getting a little skimmy with some lines but this I was like.. just reading everything in voices in my head, really acting it and getting into it because the dialogue is just that great. Just yeah what the heck absolutely banger so far.

The one downside is.. it's a little hard to get myself to get into VNs and purely story-focused games as opposed to like Nine Sols or Hollow Knight where y'know the gameplay and action really gets me hooked. I guess that's the hyperactivity of my undiagnosed ADHD. 😭Cannot believe my mom actually said I'm more likely to have ADD than ADHD like lady I literally have not been able to sit still since I was born. 😭

Oh on that topic, I should email my medicine counselor. I can't recall if I had mentioned this but yeah she's gonna put a referral in for getting me assessed for ADHD and such. So yeah hopefully that can get figured out since it would be nice to have a formal diagnosis.

Anyway that's enough yappin' for now. Hope everyone was happy to get a break from my usual melodrama and hear about some fun positive stuff. I'll talk about the other social developments tgoin' on tomorrow or some time soon. Nothing too horrible though I don't think.

Anyway, signing off for now y'all! 👋

So uh.. I'm out of shape right, unfortunately. I'm not like chubby but I do have some belly fat from my hormones (other than that I have ungodly metabolism), and also my cardiovascular system is on pretty rough shape. In addition to asthma, I just yeah.. oy.. I can't even wash myself in the shower anymore without getting out of breath. It's not good. And obviously as an agoraphobe I don't have opportunities for just walking around and such. It's not like when I used to go to in-person school and would have recess or walking from class to class. I just don't really yeah.. have any form of exercise.

So I had an idea to get a small treadmill. Y'know just like one of the cheaper portable ones or whatever. Just something simple for me to get some walking done while like watching TV or something. Y'know, I think that'd be really great for me. And I'd be far more likely to do it compared to walking around.. outside.. where neighbours can see me and there's bugs and shit. Yuck.

Anyway, I approached my mom with this idea and wow huge shocker. She was a total bitch about it. Ugh.. just the immediate treatment like this was a stupid idea and that I should do it her way. Acting like I was just annoying her by trying to bring it up.. Just incredibly invalidating and dismissive of what I thought was a fairly good compromise given my disdain for physical activity.

I'm just so fucking upset. I hate my body so so so so so much. There's just nothing normal about it. Everything, literally everything about it is just.. weird in some way.. And of course this just had to include my chest too. I was hoping I could just finally have some normalcy after starting HRT but I guess that was a stupid hope.

It gives me such awful dysphoria because I bet things wouldn't be this difficult and frustrating and weird if I was just born a girl instead. It makes me so upset.. I feel so fucking trapped in this stupid cage of a body, even with how much HRT has helped I just.. can't stop feeling trapped.

I hope so badly that my chest will continue to grow and actually become fucking normal down the line but I bet that's probably not going to happen.. And in the meantime I don't even fucking know, I think it's just completely impossible to find a bra I like that fits comfortably at all.

I just can't have any fucking wins at all lately... I'm just so fucking tired of this shit...

Anyway, signing off for now y'all...

But yeah I dunno.. for some reason days like this just don't leave an impression. I'm just not sure what's up with that. I dunno.. bleghhhhhh... I was also all stressed out about A earlier too... I'm still so nervous about whether or not she'll return this summer.. Especially with it getting so close to the period of time in which I've predicted she might return during.

I dunno. Sigh.. I'm also anxious because.. my close friend Nicole just departed for a trip to Brazil to visit her girlfriend and y'know.. I get nervous about that stuff so I'm a bit on edge because of that. I know she'll be safe but I just get worried easily about the people I care about..

Anyway, I suppose I'll wrap up here. I'm tired. Sigh I've been getting really tired really early lately too, what's with that..

Anyway, signing off for now y'all. 😔

In other wonderful news... This morning sucked. I woke up from weird dreams in a shitty mood. And I was dealing with awful stomach issues... Just immediately when I woke up.. Which turned into washroom issues.... immediately in the morning.... I spoke to a cisfem friend of mine and she told me periods can affect irritable bowel stuff so that might be why it.. hit so hard so fast..

And on that topic! Getting wonderful cramping right now... ;~; Ough it was so bad earlier that.. I honestly felt like I was gonna throw up. Not in a nausea way but like.. a "being punched in the gut" way.. I had some warm soup and that helped a little I think? Or it just was a coincidence that it calmed with that I dunno. I still feel a very mild dull pain though.. bleghhh..

Anyway, signing off for now y'all... 😖

But things picked up in the evening! First off, I got through the anxiety and finally heard what my friend Nicole sounds like! I asked her to send a voice clip and listened. It took a bit to finally do it but I'm happy I did because now I can go forward with calling her some day with less anxiety. Kinda crazy she sounds so similar to how I sound in recordings. 😭

After that, I introduced a new friend of mine to the first Ace Attorney game! Someone I met through this blog. She had taken an interest in my fan project and so I wanted to introduce her to Ace Attorney since it's really my favourite game series ever. And yeah I finally showed her tonight and I'm really happy with how positive she was. She loved it a lot. ^^ I was drenched in sweat because I was so nervous she might not like it.. 👉👈 But yeah she was totally digging the vibe so we definitely will play again another time! Which I'm quite happy about. I can't wait!

Anyway I'm gonna relax now because I'm getting a headache and I think cramps are coming back bleghhhh..

Anyway, signing off for now y'all! 👋

Yeah my period. It's my period again yippee. ;~; Already been 29 some days.. I think that's kinda the in between time for me? It's hard to say because hormones are still adjusting and stuff. Augh the last increase has made periods so much rougher, I'm a little worried how bad it'll be after my last 50mg increase for spiro later this year.

So yeah.. I dunno hopefully it won't fuck me up emotionally like it has the last three or four months but.. I dunno I'm feeling mega anxious and dysphoric so who knows.. Trying my best to manage it right now though.

Oh yeah, I'm almost finished with Nine Sols I think. Good game. I'll have to see how this last little bit goes. From what I understand, from here is the point of no return so yeah I'm saving it until next time. I'll try to finally do another game updates after I finish because boy has it been far too long!

Anyway, signing off for now y'all. 👋

I don't know I'm just so nervous.. Nervous that even if I get surgery eventually someday, things still won't be good. That it'll be an issue with me.. and my body rather than the equipment. Or even worse.. that my body won't be able to adapt correctly to fem parts and will.. still function in the crappy male way.. I dunno it's stupid to think about since it's not going to happen for so long I'm sure.. but it's still a strong fear and.... I don't know.. Like I said this is something that having romantic support could really help with. I dunno.

To end good news at least, I likely will be able to be squeezed into driver's ed lessons this summer. Shockingly they'll honour the payment we made like 4 years ago. 😭 It's only three in-person lessons for adults but my mom says if I need more, we can probably pay for it. So.. yeah hopefully that's something I can start working towards. Would be a welcome distraction from everything else that sucks.

I guess I'll leave off here. Just getting this outta the way so I'm not doing it last minute before gaming with my BFF like I wind up doing every Friday. 😭 Should do my Spanish practice soon as well.

Anyway, signing off for now y'all! 👋

I want surgery so bad... My life would be better in every way if I could... I can't take it. This dysphoria is.. just destroying me...

I spoke to my mother about it tonight but... For anyone who has kept up with this blog and is familiar with my family... it'll come as no surprise that she didn't really make me feel better at all.. I don't know... the best that came from it was.. kinda just first finding an adult doctor for me to see who handles LGBTQ+ patients. Since I don't really have a proper primary care. But I don't know... that's.. barely the tiniest step in the right direction... The salvation I actually want is still so horrifically far away.......

I don't know though... I feel so horribly trapped.. I hate my body so much.. But there's nothing that can be done.. I just have to sit and suffer... And what's worse is.. my mother basically treated my crying and horrible depression/anxiety over it as unreasonable and desperate... It's awful...

Anyway, signing off for now y'all...

It's just such a horrible feeling. That things just.. don't fit on your body.. And the functionality for me is just.. totally broken.. it was even before HRT.. I don't know what it is.. I just have such a horrid sensitivity and discomfort about everything related to it.. In fact male genitalia as just a whole.. I find totally disgusting... It makes me queasy just thinking about the anatomy and how it works... It's totally gross and feels horrible to have.. So this just enhances that feeling of.. it's just wrong on body even more. I just don't have the right parts..

But what can I do..? I can't get bottom surgery anytime soon.. My dad is transphobic, it's expensive as fuck in the US, I'm terrified of surgery in general... But I still want it more than anything.. I hate living with these parts that just don't fit.. sigh... I tried to talk to my mom about it. I texted her explaining how I was feeling and asking if we could talk but... she said she wasn't feeling well and brushed me off.. So I went to my room and started crying. ;~; Which.. wasn't even the first time either.. I've been crying on and off all day because it's been so bad.. Because I'm just so uncomfortable with my body.. It's... been rough...

It's gotten so bad that I feel anxious around anyone who is AFAB at this point.. even my best friend. I fuckin' feel anxious even seeing female characters in a game.. It's... I just don't know.. I can't put up with this.. I really hope I'll feel better in the morning but it still doesn't solve the underlying problem.. I just don't know what to do.. I feel so trapped...

Anyway, signing off for now y'all...

It was from my fucking ex. 6 months after our relationship came to a messy end. The person that hurt me horribly at the beginning of the year. The bad falling out that y'know, inspired me to start this blog in the first. The girl that lied to me, trampled on my feelings, and then blocked me and threw me out of her life in such a cruel way. I still have horrible trust issues to this day because of her, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to grow past them.

Listen the relationship wasn't good, we definitely both had our issues right? I definitely let my attachment issues get far too out of hand and was probably more possessive than I should've been. That being said, I still did so much to work towards being a better friend and person for her. All I ever wanted to do was maturely work out any issues that came out way together, and I was trying to do that even towards the end.

Unfortunately it's now evident to me that she never cared for me. I understand she had very bad anxiety issues. And I acknowledge that clearly I must've have done a lot to make her uncomfortable, however, she never would tell me. I openly encouraged her so much, as I do with all those close to me, especially online, if I'm doing something wrong or making you uncomfortable, please please tell me. I can't always tell right, especially when talking through text. And I never want to hurt those I care about so I really wanna know if there's stuff I can fix. However, she never did. She would tell me everything was great and that she loved me. That it was okay that we could still be romantic with each other despite her closed relationship with her partners. All while harbouring clear unhappiness inside, and in the end, unfairly lashed out at me for that, despite me being completely blindsided to that things weren't okay at the time. In retrospect, I can obviously tell the relationship was sitting on shaky foundation, but to say "it's okay I'm not going to leave you" 15 minutes before blocking me forever.. It's just awful.

Anyway back to the last friday. She had sent a friend request to my BFF. Which made.. well both of us uncomfortable. I never wanted to see her again and he sure certainly didn't wanna speak to her. I mean she acted like she knew him, when I think they spoke directly maybe like twice? Y'know what she said to him? She said that her relationship with me was "abusive" and that she wants to "do what she can to help him." It's just bewildering. That she feels I "manipulated her to cheat on her partners and that I manipulated her sexually." She attempts to contact my friend behind my back and try to act like I'm some abusive monster that he needs saving from??? Like she was trying to convince him to block me like she did?? Ugh it's infuriating. I never wanted to have anything to do with this girl again. I was quite frankly happy she was out of my life and I've grown so much from the horrible experience of that relationship. I'm in a much better place.

Why is she badgering my friend and making him uncomfortable in some attempt to paint me as some terrible person when it's clear that the situation was more complex than that. I definitely could've done a lot better, but to push all the blame onto me without taking any responsibility and calling me abusive??? It's not only baffling but it's fucking scary?? I'm genuinely scared that someone who hurt me so bad is not trying to horribly slander me.. I don't like that she's going around calling me abusive.. We both had problems and it's just good that the relationship ended so that we could both grow, at the very least for me that's how I felt..

I'm so grateful for how my BFF responded to her nonsense. He stood up for me and told her to never contact him again and said he hoped she could manage to not think about either of us anymore. And he then blocked her. But he was so incredibly mature and intelligent about it. Characteristics she could certainly use herself. 😮‍💨 It's made me so thankful for the friends that I do have. ^^ People that are actually y'know.. respectful towards my feelings and perspective of things.

I spoke to my mother about it as well.. She said it sounded like my ex has some sort of personality disorder. I'm not really sure about that but.. I don't really have as much knowledge on the matter as she does so I'm not really certain. All I know is.. more than ever I just don't want to see this person ever again. Prior to this I really wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt with her feelings, and I still do really want to acknowledge to faults I had with our toxic friendship.. but.. I just don't really have any sympathy for her any now that she's trying to toxically attack me like this with such unfairly indignant behaviour. Sebastian was the one who helped me everyday after she first blocked me. He was the one who was there for me without fail as I was sobbing and barely eating anything. WIthout him I don't know if I could've made it through the pain she put me through. He's an absolutely fucking amazing friend and I love him with all my heart. So her trying to sneakily (and quite futilely) get him to hurt me too is just.. It's not okay. You can take up whatever issues you have with me but I will not stand for you making him anxious and uncomfortable.

Sigh, sorry this is such a crazy huge rant. I dunno if I properly expressed myself well with all of it, it's overwhelming when I have something so big to yap about. This is why I put it off for so many days. 😭 Just yeah.. this kind of thing again scares me quite a bit. I very much hope what Seb told her is enough to get her to stop and maybe actually.. consider how things affected me in addition to how it impacted her.

Oh well.. I'll wrap up here. My fingers are getting tired and I have a headache. 😔

Anyway, signing off for now y'all. 👋