I wish I had done everything on Earth with you

9/11 could never happen today because the twin towers arent there anymore for some reason

"it's all in your head" correct! unfortunately I am also in there

Mental illness is all in your head in the same way that prostate cancer is all in your ass.

Turning the brightness all the way down on my phone so the businesswomen on my 7am train can't see me suck shit at sudoku

some of u aren’t carrying a constant yearning for love that consumes u and that must be nice

if i had a wife i would never shut the fuck up about it

Human beings b like. *sits and stares peacefully at a fire* *sits and stares peacefully at the ocean* *sits and stares peacefully at a sleeping animal*

"i won't be coming back here" is the funniest possible thing you can say to a customer service worker. you're at your place of work and someone comes in, acts like a jerk, ruins your day, and then, paradoxically, finishes up by reassuring you that this interaction is now over and you'll never have to see or hear from them again