* TW * flawed. & (still) worthy

My words are illusions, used to manipulate.

I say

“yes, I’m fine”

“no worries, everything’s great”

“of course, I got it under control”

I say

“Rationalize your thoughts, your anxiety makes you irrational”

“Your feelings are valid, don’t drag yourself down”

“I’m here for you if you want to talk”

I need you to think that I’m doing just fine, that I’m capable. I need you to believe the lies I tell you in order to believe them myself. I need you to trust in me, so you can tell me your worries.

And I need you to let my illusions manipulate you, so I know that I’m not adding on to your problems, so I can push my own things deep down and bury them under things that aren’t even my own.

It’s easier for me to let your problems get to me instead of my own. It’s easier for me to be in control of myself if I offer control over another one’s problems.

My own brain manipulates itself so it doesn’t harm the body. Example:

I have the overwhelming urge to give up and give in and I’m capable of doing so until another persons problem seems more valid then my own. Good for me, I guess, but it means that I have to surround myself with other persons problems and tell myself my problems aren’t valid enough, in order to stay in control.

Thinking about relapsing calms me down.

My heart usually feels like it’s jumping out of my chest at any given moment, but my heartbeat calms down every time I think about giving in. Every time the urge to relapse swallows me whole and I let myself think about the feeling of split skin, running blood and the instant relief…

Even though we don’t have any contact at the moment, I know you are actually going through this. Focussing on examen, on what will happen after school’s over, on what comes next. Let me tell you: it is okay to be afraid and it is okay to be brave. You’re going your way!

I’ve noticed I was going through some changes and development the last time. I’m facing studying, learning and challenging. The cloudy blurring hiding my future sight disappeared. I let a new person in my life by saying goodbye to an old. I learned what a partnership can feel like and had a coming out situation lately.

I knew it was getting bad again or worsened when I had this uncontrollable hunger. When I couldn’t stop eating, because no matter how much I ate, I didn’t feel full. So I knew, the hole inside my body did start to grow again and was swallowing me up from the inside out. I felt the anxiety worsen, because every time I thought of something, anything I have no controll over, my hands began shaking and could feel my rapid heartbeat.

My hair isn’t naturally blond, long and shiny - perfect

My hair is damaged because every time I feel out of control I color it and the bleach made it brittle. My hair is rather short, because I needed a change and it gave me confidence, so I chopped it of. My hair is poofy, because of the curls and waves, but I straighten it every day to cover up as much of my neck and face as it is possible. It’ll never be the perfect hair.

My skin isn’t tan and smooth - perfect

My skin is as damaged as my hair. There are scars scattered all over and it’s everything but smooth. My skin has the color and texture of the moon, but it gets red and patchy like the sun from time to time. It’ll never be the perfect skin.

My mental health isn’t stable, as well as my physical health

My mental health is anything but stable, even though there are a few times when it actually is. I’m a mess with anxiety and panic attacks, who has and still struggles with self harm and part time disordered eating habits. My mental health deteriorates when my physical health isn’t as its supposed to be and the other way around. I’m struggling with a chronic skin disorder that makes me tired and cranky all the time. There will never be times were I’m perfectly healthy.

Each other

And everybody else

I’m one of these people who think of themselves as a different person, from a different perspective.

So if I think about myself, I don’t actually think about me as a real human being, as a person, but of me as someone else. Like I’m not myself but someone I know that is me.

I can see, hear, feel whatever this other version of me sees, hears or feels, but it just doesn’t feel real.

For example, I’m (as a real person, as the original me) really afraid of New Years, and I feel this overwhelming panic and depression that’s coming with it, but every time I try to actually think about what could happen, I see myself as somebody else. It’s not me trying to controll my emotions, trying to cover up tears or a panic attack. It’s not me telling you that I try to feel better and that I have no fucking clue what’s wrong with me and why I feel sad all the fucking time. Why I feel anxious and panicky. It’s not me trying to explain to you that I hate myself for being so down all the time that I feel like dying most of the time and that I’m aware of the fact that I don’t have a reason to feel like that at all. It’s not me screaming in rage because I’m so angry, because I’m so furious about the things happening, the things that happened, because I can’t help you, I just don’t know how, because no one can help me, because I’m angry at everybody even though it’s all me. It’s not me feeling so helpless and hopeless because it seems like I can’t change a thing about it.

No matter what, it’s not me. It’s this person. This person who is kinda me. Looking like me. Sounding like me. Me. But not.

Gosh, I’m so unbelievably frustrated with myself. I always thought of myself as someone who is able to communicate their feelings, but now? I have all these thoughts and emotions that I can’t even explain to myself. I have so many words but I’m not able to form a sentence.

I’m fighting. Fighting against my own heart, my own head, myself.

There is this burning, itching, pain deep down in my bones and I don’t know what to do about it. There are days when it feels like cold hands wrapping around my throat, other days it feels like chains getting heavier and heavier on my chest. It can feel like needles being stuck through my heart, like water in my lungs, a black hole swallowing everything up.