The one and only BOSSzombie!

Dogs are machines that turn normal toys into wet yucky toys

Every photo of Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan together looks like a a respectable mafia boss father named Giovanni and his weird son who bites sometimes

one day i will crack my back in a way that will solve all my life problems

What if water didn't have surface tension and whenever you spilled some, the whole floor of your entire apartment was covered in a 2 micrometer deep puddle

you've taught me to count blessings I didn't know were mine

my ducks? in a row. the elephant? addressed. my goose? cooked. my eggs? in several baskets. the bigger fish? fried.

Your monkeys ?

those aren’t mine.

elvis died because it wasnt getting enough fiber

ive never fucked up someones pronouns this badly before, sorry

girl are you a kettle because you’re sooooo hot. and yelling atme

thank god for breasts *remembers im atheist* thank science for breasts

*remembers I'm agnostic" I don't know who to thank for breasts

Maybe the most damming thing about Nolans odyssey is i haven’t seen a single gifset from it

Was trying to make a joke about TV writing to my friend the other day and had to pause and go "...does the phrase 'surf dracula' mean anything to you?"

thesaurus.com save me

aid me

assist me thesaurus.com