lesbian | she/her stuck on Tumblr for about 10 years now •malec •young royals •dan and phil •heated rivalry •interview with the vampire •the expanse •lorde •andor •severance
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completely obsessed with shane being like “this is so fucking nastyyyyyyyy 😍” meanwhile ilya is one declaration of love from commissioning a statue in his honor. and the same thing is happening in reverse when they do bdsm mind you
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It turns out that you can become the person you’ve always envisioned but you’ll still have the person you were before inside of you and you have to treat them with as much forgiveness and love as possible
genuine writers getting wrongly accused of using ai because of witch hunt and proper grammar/structure in their works must be what being a woman in the 1600s who is wrongly accused of being a witch because she can read and is intelligent feels like
Ilya calls it his Collection. Shane calls it Embarassing, Ilya, Come On.
Whether it's a TikTok, a blurry street pic, a keyboard-smash-filled tweet about Shane's shoulders in a tank top post-workout in the queue at a coffee shop, a Craigslist Missed Connections post, or, one time, a literal fucking newspaper clipping from the Ottawa Citizen newspaper's Classifieds section, Ilya wants every last instance of someone thirsting after his husband so bad they enlisted the help of the public to find him.
It doesn't actually irritate Shane, he establishes this early on and checks in occasionally just to be sure, so he feels free to go hog wild with it whenever it happens.
He posts a video stitching the TikTok of him sitting down next to Shane on the sofa and laying his head on his shoulder. Without mentioning that this is Shane Hollander, he just starts to list Shane Hollander's Cup wins, awards, accolades, career stats, some random off-ice skills (he can parallel park any vehicle on the planet and his paella would make you cry), and then ends by grabbing Shane's startled but amused face, saying, "This is the guy," kissing him playfully on the mouth, and finishing with, "He's mine. Fuck off."
He reposts the blurry street picture in a carousel along with several perfectly lined up selfies showing they're in the exact same spot. In all of them he is kissing a blushing (but smiling) Shane's cheek, and in the final one their wedding rings are held up in the foreground. Caption: "Mine mine mine."
He retweets the keyboard-smash tweet with a series of dual gym selfies showing off Shane's shoulders and arms and torso (and his own), and then a final one of them sipping coffee from the same shop together on a walk, holding hands. The tweet reads: "He benches more than I weigh, his grip strength literally cannot be measured by science, and he carried the lame fucking Metros to three Cup wins on those shoulders. #husbandgoals #lookdonttouchbitches #mine
He posts his own Missed Connection, looking for the only person in Ottawa who doesn't know who the fuck Shane Hollander is and who the fuck he's married to.
He takes out a full-page ad in the Citizen to gush about Shane (and technically to advertise the upcoming Ottawa hockey camps, yes fine Yuna) and the final line is, "To anyone who thinks they may be looking for him, I found him first. Haha, sorry not sorry."
It's after the last one that Jackie sends him an email that starts the biggest quest of his life.
The email's only contents are a screenshot of a tweet dated February of 2011, in Quebecois French. The translation is that the poster saw the cutest kinda-dorky-but-built guy in a Metros hoodie in what used to be Shane's old grocery store, and if hockey players looked like that than they might watch a game once in awhile. The subject line of the email just reads: "This used to happen like once a week, btw."
And so begins Ilya's internet campaign to find every last historical instance of Shane being thirsted after - and, with gleeful irony, he enthusiastically enlists the public's help in finding them.
Shane retweets his all-caps call for aid with a picture of Ilya beaming at his phone as the first ones start coming in. Caption: "Whatever makes him happy, I guess. ❤️ #alsomine"
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Masterlist of my Tumblr drabble lore drops for Hollanov and HR is here. 🥰
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i fucking hate the “this is the good luck post.” Girl stop contributing to a superstitious environment with ur anecdotes there’s a million goddamn notes on it it’s statistically reasonable that a bunch of people remember the good things that happen after they reblog it
So apparently, over the summer, Quibi (the shortest-lasting streaming service ever lmao) did a quarantine project called “Home Movie: The Princess Bride” where a bunch of celebrities recreated The Princess Bride in tiny chunks at home.
And like there was no permanent cast, all these celebrities seem to have gotten a scene or part of a scene to do (i’m not sure exactly, I did not ever watch Quibi and thus haven’t seen this yet), and then they just… recreated it as best they could. At home. Under quarantine.
So like, you had Jennifer Garner in a blanket cape playing Princess Buttercup AND the Booing Old Woman with a crowd comprised entirely of stuffed animals:
Or Taika Waititi paying Westley off a badly-drawn Inigo on a piece of cardboard held in front of someone’s face:
And it’s all just delightful.
But my absolute favorite part of this thing that I’ve sadly never seen but assume is probably absolutely hilarious and a treasure and I want to find it some day and watch the whole thing… is that Carey Elwes is in it.
In case you need a comfort watch and because Youtube search nowadays sucks rancid farts, I remind you of the Princess Bride Home Movie from the lockdown, starring everybody
one thing i love about helly in severance is that she really drives home how gender conformity is learned, not innate. like she's dressed as a professional woman, in heels and a skirt and makeup, but her voice and body language, all the little ways people perform gender, don't match it. she doesn't modulate her voice higher or modify her speech to be less blunt. she's got her shoulders up in a very tense, afraid posture (bc she IS tense and afraid) and she walks with a very purposeful stride. helly is helena without the years of training to be quiet and compliant, without years of being taught how to perform gender, so she just...speaks in her regular voice. has the posture of a scared little animal because that's what she is. it's gender non-conforming but it's not masculine or anything to do with her personal gender identity. she's just being a person, having realistic human reactions to the situation she's in. and so much of gender non-conformity for women is like this. you don't have to deliberately wear menswear to be seen as unfeminine. you can just not wear makeup or not shave your legs, just exist in your unmodified body and speak with your unmodified voice, and that's enough. i sometimes see art of helly in more masc clothing or trying on mark's suit and it's cute but i think reading her lack of "appropriate femininity" as a desire to present masculine kinda misses the key point that she is not acting like a man or a woman. she is simply existing as a human being
every now and then i am reminded of nintendo's official solution to the wii u pro controller not having gyro controls and it never fails to send me into hysterics
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immortality as theft (you have to steal life from something else) immortality as parasitism (there is something else inside You that is keeping you alive and you become less of yourself more and more the longer it stays in you) immortality as violence (everything is trying to kill you because everything is supposed to die and the universe will always try to find a way to right the wrong that is You) you understand
#at least once a month I think about that one post about laminating a paper towel#and how that makes it immortal but also forever prevents it from fulfilling its true purpose#yes you will live. but at the cost of everything that makes you You
I think it’s normal for people to be mad at each other sometimes even if they’re close friends or family or intimate with each other. Like I think that’s a normal and healthy part of relationships that can happen sometimes
I went to Mad At You island because my feelings are my problem. I needed to stomp down the beach until I could sit and watch the sunrise. I built a sandcastle and did some thinking. Then I boarded the good ship You Matter To Me and sailed it all the way to meet you on the Let’s Talk Shore of I Love You Island.
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