you've ruined me

This is DEFINITELY someone I call an expert.

don’t forget, you can disappear into the woods at any time. whether that is a worrying thought or a reassuring one is up to you.

I hit a pothole (a Michigan pothole so basically a sinkhole) today and my check engine light came on. I don’t have one of those computer plugins to reset the light and I knew it was just a sensor that got knocked so I was just like “well let’s see if this works” and on the way home I swerved and hit the pothole again and the check engine light turned off

i love it when i don’t know a THING about an actor’s private life. a great time for both of us

cmon child safety lid you know it's me

Richard Nixon once called in staff to help him open an allergy-pill bottle. It was the childproof type of bottle, with instructions saying “Press down while turning.” The cap had teeth marks on it where Nixon had apparently tried to gnaw it open

the game is out. btw

it’s jsut fucked up that we bred pigeons to be our companions and then when we no longer had use of them we just abandoned them and now we treate them like menaces and pests and  people want them dead they are our FRIENDS

I was drunk but right

daddy issues make u a people pleaser but mommy issues make u like. a sociopath

Not all construction work is equally enjoyable. For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.

this joke would get the exact same reaction in 1870 that it gets in 2021 and I love that about it