I Can Do Miracles, Just Let Me

her cookie make me pitch a tent because shes fat & weird and now I will expire in 1-3 days

Settle down now

"not to be that guy, but" im gonna stop you right there buddy. no one is allowed to be that guy. no one is allowed to be ANY type of guy. firing squad.

it's fine i don't even need to be part of social groups or friend groups anyway (giant hole appears in my chest spontaneously) ? what's that

depressed steampunk guy: like nothing makes me happy anymore i feel like my fantastical flying contraption just ran out of coal

Steam. Is. Water. Coal. Makes. Smoke.

what is the coal doing to the water

I feel like developers as a societal force got so annoyed by the maxim "the problem with computers is they do exactly what you tell them" that they devoted the last decade to making computers that don't

im completely addicted to Open Link in New Tab

if Open Link in New Tab is wrong then baby i dont want to be right

you've met me at a very wild animal caught in a bear trap gnawing off its own leg time in my life

i love "bump uglies" as a euphemism for sex. like yes put that gross in my yuck and squarsh it

fyi. being intensely self critical is not the same as being self aware. if you’re really self aware you’ll be aware of the good stuff too. just in case anyone needs to hear it. don’t mistake constantly dissecting what you see as your flaws for some kind of personal enlightenment.

imagine cloth mother and wire mother in family court competing for custody of the baby monkey

I Have Softness For You

i have milk for you

Stop.

Cut the baby monkey in half

Developing a sick fixation on the bagel guy I get breakfast from every Friday on my way to work. I have visited his stall thrice and each time he hears my order, shakes his head, and gives me a slightly different version of my order that tastes better than what I'd originally asked for

Today I asked for a plain lox spread bagel and he gave me an everything bagel with a lox, scallion, and dill spread and it fucks so heavy. Moaning at work rn

No i will not tell you who this is or where. This is MY parasocial relationship with a bagel guy who is doing a kind of customer service dom thing to me. You guys don't get to HAVE him [eyes start glowing as I growl]