Blog For Fun

I went to my friend’s wedding and met an old acquaintance there.

We used to be close, is what I thought back then. He was smart, a little older than me, and often listened to me talk. When I came out as trans, however, that quickly changed. He was angry with me and calling me delusional, and I didn’t really know where all of this was coming from - he seemed so educated.

Now we met again after many years. I’ve been living as a man for 6 years. We talked for a moment and everything seemed fine! He laughed, saying that he didn’t recognize me, and I thought to myself :

Wow, people really do change. I am glad.

Until he stared prodding. „Hey, sensitive topic and all, but your new name is […], right?“ I smiled, saying „Yeah, and your name was […], correct? The topic isn’t sensitive anymore.“ „It used to be!“ „Yeah, not anymore.“

There was a short silence. „You are only doing the hormone stuff, right?“ „Um… well… I also had an operation….?“ I wasn’t sure if I should even tell him that, but I was so surprised by this question, and I didn’t want to seem offended. „Oh wow, so it’s that serious. Cause I remember it being kind of a trend for you. Adhd, autism, trans.“ (I have adhd and was suspected to be autistic by my therapist. We talked about it at the time)

He continued: „Sounds more like someone who doesn’t really know who they are in their life and look for some sort of identity.“

A short moment of silence as I composed myself.

„Well, after six years I am still happy to look into a mirror and see my face every time!“

„…“

„…“

„Well, mirrors are overrated.“

„…haha, I guess they are.“

Later on we sat together at one table - after all, he was one of the only people there I knew. We talked to another person, when my old acquaintance made another strange comment. „So have you heard how they plan to re-introduce compulsory service? Are you just going to change your gender marker?“

„What?“

„Oh you know, since it’s so easy now.“

„Well… I haven’t been drafted, but what do you mean exactly by changing my marker? To my current gender? I already did that.“

I was confused by his question, not knowing wha he meant. After all, I had lived as a man for many years now. I didn’t appreciate him discussing my identity in front of a stranger, since I never publicly announce it, but decided to just be open about it now, since he already hinted at it.

I slowly caught on. „… Well, no. I had to go through years of therapy, get 3 letters of approval, go to a court hearing and pay 2.500 € to change my name.“

The conversation then slowly drifted towards politics. We talked for a while and he excused himself to go home.

The encounter was very bizarre and in the very moment it had happened I didn’t even realize what he was doing. Because I was so used to just being myself, as a man. Without having anyone question my identity, since most of the friends who knew saw how much happier I had become and the rest of the world didn’t know.

This moment kind of opened my eyes. I hadn’t seen this person in years, yet they still hadn’t changed. And they cared so deeply about my identity, it left me in confusion and shock - and made me very uncomfortable. This person wasn’t able to accept the fact that I love myself.