CRAPPENSTANCE®

i spent hundreds of dollars on a classy hotel room in a city about a half hour away, as high up as i could get it. a corner suite with an easily climbable balcony. and it was around 11:30 at night and i stood outside barefoot in my pajamas and waited for the people on the sidewalk below to LEAVE. but it was a friday night in a college town and i got tired of waiting and i went inside and went to bed and called my mom in the morning.

and i asked her to pick me up and we went to watch my brother’s soccer game in a tiny town three hours away (they lost, but my brother was still laughing the whole time). on the car ride to the game, i told her i was going to leave my job of five years and go back to school and i really needed her help to make it happen. she was (and still is) really excited for me.

i told her i’d hardly spoken to any of my friends in months and that one had recently dug up my secondary email address in a desperate attempt to get in contact with me. i told her i replied back, telling my friend that i couldn’t really be a part of the group anymore. that i didn’t feel like i belonged or deserved their friendship. that i was just too terrified of any of them truly knowing me, that i always had been. that it wasn’t their fault and i was so sorry and thank you so much for everything. my mom was sad to hear that but she didn’t judge me.

after another three hour drive back home, we looked at colleges and programs and housing and applications and pre-requisites and everything we could think of. i settled on a community college about 20 minutes away from my mom’s house. i asked if i could move back in with her and she said she’d love for me to. i told my brother about it and every time i’ve seen him since then he’s told me how happy he is for me to be living with them again. i’m happy too. and considering my recent dangerous thoughts and actions, i think it’s safest for me to be with family.

i signed up to take the ACT and i told my boss i’d be leaving on august 16th. my coworkers said they were happy for me, but mostly they commented on how much of a stress my absence would be. my company’s had a hiring freeze in place for several months, so they won’t get a replacement for me anytime soon. i would have felt guilty about it, but i was still riding the high of my new lease on life. i haven’t felt guilty once. not about work, at least.

my friend replied to my lengthy, self-pitying email with a thousands rebuttals of everything i’d said. i wanted to reassure them it wasn’t their fault, i would be okay, i was so so so so so so sorry. i didn’t send anything back. i still haven’t. that almost kills me again everyday.

i started packing up my apartment way in advance, shoving all the non-essentials into unorganized boxes and taping them up. i had to start early or i’d lose momentum. my rooms are barren now, just my bed and desk and one box of clothes. everything else is already gone, sitting in my mom’s garage. 

i’ve been going to more events around town. more movies, farmer’s markets, etc. i’ve been volunteering at the library, doing inventory a few hours a week. i invite my mom and stepdad out to lunch whenever they have time. i text my brother a lot. he tells me everything about school and his friends and what extracurriculars he’s involved in. he came out to me, said he was dating a boy. they’ve since broken up, but he still keeps me updated on his teenage romance drama. i’m being more genuine with him as well. 

i’m being more myself around everybody. i met most of my stepdad’s extended family at the wedding last weekend and i behaved exactly how i wanted to. i wore my binder and a tie and a very stylish men’s shirt and pants combo. the shoes were from the women’s section, but most stores don’t carry men’s shoes that would fit me. everyone loved my outfit. i got along with all of them. my new stepsister and i bonded over stories of our various embarrassing childhood escapades and her boyfriend and i debated whether or not the german city of buxtehude is a real place (it is, i’ve BEEN there, it’s real tim). my new stepbrother shouted tik tok memes at me, so i know i’m doing something right by his rubric. they liked me. and i wasn’t faking anything.

i got my ACT scores back today and got a shocking 28. i realized i’d had no faith in myself. i’m working on that. i finished my application to the vet tech program at the community college. i have to take three gen-ed courses first, but i can start the program in full next year. i’m excited about my future for once. and i’m doing better.

i want to email my friend back and tell them again that i’m sorry and that it’s not their fault. but it’s not mine, either. it just happened. 

what the FUCK joel