the end is nigh

ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to deny location sharing and turn off personalized ads and reject all non-essential cookies and not set up siri and face ID

Planning my crypt: let's put a bunch of giant amphorae in here. Yeah they're empty except for two. Put $20 in one, and in the other... $18...

"i've got no qualms about it" meanwhile i'm over here making qualm chowder

suicidal timbaland: take it to the bridge.......

ads these days are so sensitive to being tapped like darling my fingers barely brushed you and youre already opening yourself for me... well close those damn legs. dont make me get the taser

god i need something so bad. but what is it

fuck, marry, kill: the wound that won’t heal, the past you can’t undo, the ghost that keeps returning

if you hired a galapagos finch as a linecook it would perfectly evolve a beak to optimally smoke cigarettes behind the dumpsters

your boss takes you into his office and grimly informs you that he’s unemploygnant and it’s yours