Midnight Writer

What if you are so different from the rest?

Unwanted deep deep inside by the best?

Do you ever go through a struggle to feel belonged somehwere? There are questions I have no answer to but those question meddle with the very sanity of mind to such an extent I begin to question my very existence. Like where do I belong? Sometimes there are people you have been with for years and you feel that is where you belong, with them, that's your safe haven and then there comes a day when your inner eyes open and you begin to see what it actually is.

Maybe all this while, you were trying to fit in but in reality you dont. Your thoughts dont resonate, you have different, widely, starkly different outlooks on life and how to live it and some how they dont seem to go well with others. You feel like a burden on rest, your sentences are followed by silences or some head shakes... its all fun and games when you talk on light subjects but when it comes to some actually serious issues, you are unwanted. Like a weed in a garden of roses, or a rose in a garden of weeds... depends on your perspective of yourself. You either overdo or under do stuffs you are expected to and neither go well with rest whether its consoling, advice or entertainment. All you want is to be nice to them because you care but it gets messed up.

You develop different interests and you think, why cant you be like them. Your friends pull you down on priority list such that they wont approach you when in need. Why? Are friendships purely based on similar interests? How do you fit in without making yourself a burden or taking the burden of changing your true self? Does sticking to one's identity mean you stand alone?

There are times when you console yourself about not belonging anywhere by the fact that there is atleast one person out there who is yours truly but what if you are deprived of that too?

We are intangible beings

Yet intricately interwoven

Through same wool of mud

From which we were cast

Into shapes of different colours

By the one same Lord

Bearing same emotions of

Love, loss, joys and sorrows

Somedays we're blue

Some days we're red

Some days the sky is grey

We maybe white or black

Or brown and yellow

But does it really matter?

We are all a ball of wool

Knitting this globe together

As much as the other shade of thread

Then why do they seek

To pull out one thread?

Robbing the globe of its colour

Weakening the very knot

That stitched this globe together

Dingy dark deserted alleys with jarring secrets alight

I ventured to the furthest one for I, ever in illusion

Couldn't perceive the howling winds as a premonition.

The journey was like walking down the lanes of past

Flashbacks like spirits apparate and leave me aghast

Who knew I'd lose myself when I'd reach the end

There I stood quivering, shattered, lost and broken

Like an oasis in desert, I found a shallow stream

I peeped in to see my reflection but it made me scream

In place of my visage, there stood these devils

Staring back at me, reckoning my evils

It was who I'd become inside, contemptuous and cold

Indifferece laced veins, tale contrary to my heroics told

The devil had comsumed my soul till it killed my conscience

There is no retreat for it controls my subconscious

Now there is no regret for my deeds nor reproach

A heartless beast with no care was my approach

I had sheltered my demons not knowing they fed on me

Now I run away from me only to run into me...

I only paved the way to let it in

Tell me, would you still call it mine?

When in reality it has only just begun

Behold! A brand new world of realisation

Of gratitude, hope and benevolence

Where trees bloom to life and sway gently

Underneath which the clean rivers cry of joy

The whales look up to the sky and smile

For once, there is no fear, atleast for a while

The air is pure and pristine as a chapel

Sunlight welcomes us, bright and radiant

The peaks beam now from a distance

Earlier obscured by the haze of our misdeeds

The ozone hole now stitched itself too

The flora and faun floursihing anew

As for us, we now know which heroes to hail

Yes, the one in khakhi and in white coats

We learnt to spend time with ones we love

Rather than engaged in our busy worlds all day

And also began to give time to ourselves too

Our relations were deteriorating and so was our health too

And now we put our faith in God more than ever

Perhaps a miracle from Him is what we await

Its a rejuvenation of faith and self care

The earth's healing its wounds and so are humans

Strange how school's closed yet we all learn a lesson

Perhaps this is the lesson we needed the most

So lets take our time to be thankful and pray

For the ones we lost and for the one who are fighting

This is not the end and believe it wouldnt be

Its only after the storm that there shines a rainbow.

Like wisps of smoke exhaled

Into clouds they slowly turn

So that when you traverse them

They'll pour down like tears

Of reminiscence and sorrow

And when they become rivers

One day you'll stand at shore

And peep to find your reflection

Wondering how far you've come

That day those memories wont hurt

But hold like relics of your battle

You will adorn those scars with pride

They are souvenirs of your courage

And the unrelenting spirit in you

That once didn't give up and so

These memories will transcend to sky

And amongst the stars they will lie

So when you gaze at them

As if looking into past

The flashbacks will make you smile

Perhaps you will sigh and look back

Happy that you didnt give up...

An aura of bursting life and ardour

It was raining in our kingdom and

I set fire to it burning down our land.

Now the droplets turn every memory to ash

Tears burn the skin as they roll leaving a gash

The tides were crashing our castle down

Kept a rock on my heart and knew I had to be gone

I was at the finger point but there wasnt a choice

Had to calm the storm else greater threat it'd poise

A once beating heart now broken into two

Beware of peeping in for there is a ruckus inside

Caged up by brittle chains in my heart, safely

For now but do not try to test its patience daily.

Pay attention and you might hear unyielding screams

Of a soul scorched to death, a sight giving horrifying dreams.

Hands pounding against metal, bleeding day and night

Remorseful mumblings uttered constantly for not being right

It is guilt and regret that shall keep tormenting everyday

The pain shall not subside and death will come one day

I ain't proud of what I have become and where I am headed

And turning back is vain for the path is blurred and faded.

It is a vicious circle that has trapped me badly forever

With this much dilemma, I'll let the forces push me wherever

It is gradual, progressive restlessness that eats me up everyday

And I die a little inside inside, its futile that these thoughts'd sway.

Long as my conscience lives behind bars, the wounds will burn

And once its consumed by guilt, into heavy fumes it'll turn

And then the chaos will break free and I shall not remain same

The devil set loose on the streets to continue playing its game

This time there'll be no holding back for my conscience is dead

Now there is no wrong or right, just do whats in my head

There'll be no pain and somewhere, neither contentful bliss

This time, death will come from the consequences of my sins...

And turn to redemption or repetition?

Why can't we forgive and give another chance

Rather than rebuke and walk away?

For if humans were created as flawless beings

There would not be a need

For the creation of hell and heaven...

One I inherited when you refused to stay

All I know, a part of my heart is lost too

Because I am now incomplete without you...

Voices echo through the air, asking me to carry on

But they are indistinct when I'm facing the tides alone

Who knew something so brief would be an everlasting

Series of repercussions, guilt and regret I shall go on fighting?

When our path diverged into two and our love was at stake

You chose the other one and called it a mistake

I try to erase your memory like you never existed

And my silence speaks the loudest, those words unsaid

Know that when I lost you, I lost a piece of myself too

And now this incomplete soul seeks to live in a world anew

Where with half a heart I shall wake up to a bleak morning

A world of broken and lost people who keep longing...

Tarnished dimes and broken diadems

Manifestations of a dark past

Which he chose to bury beneath the sand

And look ahead to a new dawn

The tides were high and raging

The ocean a vast stretch of uncertainties

Yet he paddled through the gentle currents

And strived to swim against the tides.

At last he reached the shore on  other end

The sun emanating faint red streaks

Rising peacefully from the horizon behind

He smiled at the waves crashing against his feet

Slowly uncovering the earth below

Only to reveal a shiny little treasure box

And oh look, what did it hold?

The very tarnished dimes and broken diadems...

Watch me get buried beneath

The crumbling walls of my castle

The one I built to shelter with love

People who I knew not with facades

Facades like rust slowly corroding

The pillars of my heart supporting them.

I breathed in the air they expired

Toxic breaths poisoned with ignorance

That suffocated me within my confine

Yet I planted new trees to keep them fresh

How was I to know their real intention?

For I only chose to be kind and benevolent.

I built them a game from strewn papers

Only to find it played on me

The Queen with its knights made the move

The king was checkmate by his own

Forced to retire to his confined zone

He watched the rest feast on his treasure.

Yes they took advantage and I let them

Over and over again till I'm consumed

Like the moon they shone in my light

Yet I wouldn't flicker off the flame

Wish they knew the walls of mercy were collapsing

And along with me, it'd take 'em down too...

When I truly lost myself, I found you

Cared for you so much I wounded myself

So loyal to you, I was left alone

Loved you so much that I hated myself

Thought of you only that I forgot me

Trusted you so much I betrayed myself.

What is it about you that holds me back?

I am heart broken but cannot move on

Is this love or some kind of obsession

I see no good and yet cant keep my ground

These winds seem to carry me towards you

And the closer I try coming to you

The more reasons I get to stay away.

I watched you plummet down only to become

Everything you said you would never be.

Sometimes I just wish I could read your mind

And know what I mean to you deep inside.

Once you were everything I could ask for

Now you have become everything I dread...

Because you are a girl, they say

And that's why she can't choose her own way

She does not bring joy in the family when born

Because its not a son who could support them when forlorn

She is just another burden as they see

Because she has to be fed and drains wealth when she'd marry.

She is just a legacy to be passed from one to other

Now a maid cum wife earlier a helper

Alas! Shs couldn't even go to school and study

Because education is only meant for her brother who is supposed to earn money

She's expected to lower her gaze and never voice her opinion

And stand in the corner till the men leave in any family reunion.

Her hands are adorned red with henna when just 11

And produce heirs because she can never be one

Tied in the most precious bond even before she knows its meaning, she

Still a doll-playing girl herself becomes else's doll, what a pity!

She is her parents' key to paradise but they wanna get rid of her soon

Doesn't she have her own dreams to chase, whats the big boon?

And when her husband dies, its her time too

Shave her head and burn her along else other men she'd woo

Treated like an untouchable, oh whats her fault after all?

Thats her ultimate fate in a society that stands tall

Strange how just an 'S' can turn life upside down when prefixed to 'He'

When God didnt discriminate between men and women then who are we?

~Namra Siddiqui

" Oh what makes thee weep? "

I asked the forlorn rose

Drooping on the kerb nobody did ever sweep

Looking with eyes so deep filled with sorrows.

" I am a lonely rose " It said

" Parted from my beloved.

A man in love took her away

To make for his love the most beautiful day

Ornating the forthcoming wonderful night

As he sits caressing her hair by the moonlight."

" Two inseparable souls made for each other

Nothing in this world can make them bother

For they are tied in a knot made in the heavens

Besotted in the name of the most profound bond among humans."

" Love is an inexplicable word ", continued the meek flower

" Lucky are those upon whom it ever did shower

For even a taste of it can swivel one's life

Giving a feeling of paradise or at times stabbing one with a knife."

" She is mine and forever will be

No matter where fate takes her you see

Only God above can bless or destroy this love

She's all in my heart, nothing below nor above

That's what true love is

To make her smile, never a chance would I miss

I lay my trust in her and so does she

I see perfection even in her thorns and she in me."

" Wherever she is I'll be glad

As long as she is happy not sad

I know she has served her purpose completely

And me of loving her eternally..."