thelastgoodbi

"raw potential"

"gifted"

"they're a genius"

None of these exist, none of these are real within dichotomous power structures. White supremacy, the patriarchy, European supremacy, middle class domination. When there is a leaning or imbalance towards one group of people, a bias towards who gets what or how someone is treated, it's a fallacy.

You can't be a genius if you're white as POC aren't afforded the social standing you are.

You aren't naturally talented when you're middle class as you have more opportunities and resources not available to poor/working class.

You aren't gifted or have a particular predisposition towards something when you are in a global position of power as your opportunities are based on a hierarchy of wealth and exploitation.

You aren't a genius as a man as all "genius" has happened without womxn being involved or just outright ignored.

The stall that I helped at was promoting mental health well-being and it was armed with a local council official who was highly ‘qualified’. I watched them give their spiel and was completely taken a back at how clueless they were. They were throwing things about like “if you suffer with mental health, you should exercise more” or “mental health problems means you might go quiet so you need to be vigilant with your friends”.

They firstly didn’t know the difference between mental health and mental illness, but secondly they were pushing antiquated, unproven ‘remedies’ about exercise and ‘just talk if you’re feeling low’ crap. I was infuriated. So, I learnt the spiel in a couple of minutes and went forth to try and have some meaningful conversations, from a learned perspective.

I spoke to the kids about their networks, their support system, what was home life like and, if they were willing, I asked about their own struggles. I got an overwhelmingly positive response - from young womxn. The boys? Not so much.

From a year group of around 200 students, and I was there for 3/4 of the day, I must have seen 100-120 kids. There was no disproportion to who I saw, because there were ushers making sure each kid went to every stall, but the school was 60/40 ratio of (assumed) boys to girls. 

Every single interaction I had with young womxn was honest and open. I got told about depression, anxiety, mood swings, stress, pressure, illnesses and family life within a minute or so. Some were shy, but still shared because they were normally given some confidence by their friends. So, we spoke, chatted, laughed and they took the literature and it was happy days.

The boys? I had two meaningful conversations and it took me almost 15mins with each group out of this two. They wouldn’t respond, refused to answer, laughed and joked - immediately - and tried to disarm me or their friends with ‘ladish’ behaviour. So, I switched it up, I had to. I started asking groups of boys if they thought girls were more open or if they behaved differently. I asked them if they felt more comfortable speaking to their mums, aunts or nans. I pushed them to answer questions based around made-up scenarios, to detach them from having to be open. I barely got responses. I got a lot of laughs, deflection and awkwardness.

This is what we teach young boys. We teach them to think it’s weak to cry, attach homophobia to showing emotions and support to same gender friendships, give them a skill set so inept at dealing with something that might trigger poor mental health or exacerbate a mental illness - diagnosed or otherwise - that they cover every conversation up with ‘bants’. That amazing humour and ability to laugh at anything I hear about all the time in all same gendered groups of men. 

I hate using tired clichés or talking in hyperbole, but I really have managed to connect to a part of me whilst taking a break from RL. A part of me I've been disconnected from for many years and is integrally me, but distantly alien. I had fallen into an imposter syndrome state of mind, an orchestra of anxiety.

But, without giving away too many details, I have seen the light - a light, a quite specific one. Whatever anxiety I had been feeling about me, my sexuality and the experiences I had had the past few months has melted a bit. Just a few short moments have removed a funk, got me moving again.

I don't know whether it's a bisexual thing or a lack of experience thing, but I often question myself and where I am with understanding me. A mish-mash of self-doubt and low self-esteem.

Quite nice that it's pride month to boot, I guess. This uncertainty and inability to trust myself is something I'm sure we all deal with. Especially those of us newly out or with identities that are often erased or invalidated.

So, proud pride pep-talk. To the Bs, the TS and the Is of the fam. Also to the pans, the polys, the omnis and the aces. Hi to the NBs, the gender fluid or queer. For all of us not L or G, you are valid. Give yourself time and listen to your gut feeling. Its ok to not trust yourself sometimes, it's ok to not be out or not be sure if you're doing it right - there is no right or wrong. You can change and evolve and adapt, discovering more about you is normal - we move around this world fluidly, not like keys in doors.

It's okay to have your system of being you. Whether it's online, in the outside world or in your diary. Even if you're the only person that knows, it's valid. But to the Ls and the Gs, you two are amazing too, however you do you.

This isn't a candid portrayal of a mid life diagnosis of a mental illness, this is an egomaniac who's very existence in the world is to be defined as relevant and influential. The album is shite. The last one was shite. All he is doing right now is creating a discourse where his (still) huge number of fans, many of which have no idea what bipolar or BPD is (I mention BPD because it's being dragged into the conversation across the internet) are going to have such a twisted view of mental illnesses.

Yet, here he is. Trying to profit off of a mental illness he quite clearly doesn't fully comprehend himself. The stigma behind both bipolar and BPD is that of a crazy person, a person without reason or no sense of right or wrong. A little too much, unbearable, shouts a lot, angry. People are now conflating his stupidity with a mental illness. Arguing that if he is bipolar, or possibly BPD, that his comments are excused or they only occured because he was in an "episode".

The fact is, delusions of grandeur and narcissism can occur during bipolar manic episodes. But, much like the Roseanne Barr Ambien tweets, your thoughts and opinions are your own. Not owing to any other external factors other than education (or lack thereof) and socialisation.

Kanye is a fool. He is not a regular example of anyone with a mental illness because he is a multi multi millionaire with all the resources of the world at his finger tips and a huge platform. He is also a cis-het man, held to a much lower accountability of his actions than many others would be in his position.

What I found difficult with that is how although people haven't treated me particularly different because of my sexuality, they do try and connect constantly with someone who I don't identify with now. That's challenging because it's a.) triggering for a multitude of reasons and b.) because I want to be seen and accepted for who I am now, not someone who was deeply unhappy.

It isn't something anyone will really understand if they don't have to come out but also, I don't even think queer monosexuals will understand it from a bi+ perspective.

To have to try always to be outwardly bi, reaffirm your identity and be apparently queer on hetero spaces and then continue to defend yourself in queer spaces too.

Then, if those in power deem their actions - brutal, violent, oppressive - as legitimate and just; couldn't the under rungs of society view their own as legitimate, necessary and right?

You're enough at this enough point in your life. It is a continuum, not a list of check points. There is no set way or sequence of 'doing' life. I went to uni at 24, had a career at 17, am now a poor post-grad.

Give yourself time to breath, grow and move at your pace. The way you do you, is the best way. Chasing life accomplishment before 30 is precarious and bound to lead to disappointment.

Women's/womxn's success is based on their perceived power over men, not next to men. Their conventional beauty through the male gaze and reduction of their bodies to sexual objects.