True Undeniable Facts About Life & Everything Else

If you find yourself in the presence of a seagull, scream loudly and sit on its face to assert dominance. If all fails, run to the nearest convenience store, jump behind the counter and pretend to be a cashier. When the seagull inevitably comes inside looking for you, feign a robbery and then shoot yourself in the foot. No seagull would be stupid enough to stick around only to be detained by the police.

When staring at a computer screen for long enough, our pupils effectively become black holes that absord any and every kind of atomic vibration that is emitted from our pants. During this process, it is advisable to remain calm and express our inner turmoils by mashing the keyboard with a seasoned ham.

Yogurt is the most used liquid coolant in gaming PCs. This is due to the fact that Yogurt is the coolest substance known to man. I would suggest you go eat some, but remeber that yogurt has some serious side effects, like having the sudden realization that a cool cooler who doesn’t cool is, sadly, just a cool cabinet.

You can increase your muscular mass by squatting 1,375,237.248 times a day. If after a week you still can’t deadlift a whole peanut butter jar, feel free to contact me to participate in the casting for my brand new TV show: I can’t believe you can’t deadlift peanut butter!

I guess there was no point in bringing a dessert knife after all...

“Month” is just a random name we give to a period of days. But the same could be said for the term “day” in relation to hours. And for the term “hour” too. And “minute”. And “second”. And “mayonnaise”. Yum.

Never stop in the middle of the road during a thunderstorm. If you accidentally get hit by lightning, the massive amount of electrons cursing through your body will make you bounce off towards the closest satellite dish. Getting a feed horn stuck up a orifice is not a pleasant experience.

Few seconds later, humanity is completely wiped out from planet Earth.

The ask box is now open. If you spot an UFO on your way to the post office, feel free to send me a 4 word story on how the media refused to believe your claims and you had to resort to History Channel in the hope they would fund a new investigative series about that cheeseburger you got from Wendy’s that was actually an alien artifact bestowed unto you by God himself.

Moisturizing is vital for any thermodynamic species living on this planet. Take for example a snail: running around my garden, eating my peonies. No moisture for you, you little twat.

Engaging in regular physical activity keeps the monsters under the bed at bay. They dislike the smell of sweaty people.

Dreams are quantifiable by how loud a person snores. If you place a pickle on a snoring person, its particles will resonate with the sound waves, making the pickle mature 0.0034 times quicker.

Inside a medium cup of Starbucks’ frappuccino there exists a micro ecosystem formed by tiny spoons. This species feeds on the ink of the Sharpie marker the baristas use to write your name on the cup. If you decant the beverage long enough, they will grow into big spoons and worship you as their One True God.

Track suits are unstable elements. Wearing one makes you question everything you’ve ever done in your life, compelling you to start running for it. All those bright colors attract an ungodly amount of alligators.

Quantum speed exceeds quantity of dreams if a substantial amount of dark matter collides with the astral plane. All this, and you’re still dreaming about that piece of cheese I stole from under your bed 5 years ago.

Banging on your neighbor’s door produces a sound that can be heard on Mars. If, after 5 minutes, they still haven’t answered your interplanetary bangs, feel free to send their misdelivered Amazon package in my PO box located: 53° 6' S / 73° 30' E