penis out on queen

thinking about what he said in the pete holmes interview about how important it is to him to connect his stories to old mythology and then how pete goes “it makes you feel at home on the planet” and matt goes “RIGHT! exactly.”

i do think that matt probably had some kind of complex about nirvana the band vs his ambitions back in the day. like even to this day he makes it clear that he thinks ntb is kind of dumb and unserious. at times he’s even called it meaningless. obviously this is not true to him, to him it’s the most meaningful thing in the world, but i think when he looks at it from an outsider’s perspective he sees it as stupid compared to “serious” art. and i think he has always wanted to be taken seriously and especially when he was younger wanted to do something that would really prove himself to be a serious person, to make all his craziness worth it by making an objectively good movie. and so i just wonder if that’s why he started to have problems with jay, and why they disagreed so strongly on whether they were ever gonna do more nirvanna the band. i feel like matt probably wanted to move into the serious era of his career at that point and maybe felt like he couldn’t do that with ntb, especially after the failed pilot. and jay didn’t go to film school and the characters matt & jay could play were always inevitably going to be these stupid guys and anyway jay could do anything he wanted in the world of music, and he was attractive and people always liked him, so he didn’t have to be as crazy as matt. he didn’t have to prove himself like matt did. meanwhile matt had already failed at his original ambition in life (magic cards) and now had to make sure he didn’t fuck up his only other shot at significance (filmmaking). and matt who cares so much about whether people have good taste and whether his friends like the same things he likes and whether artists have integrity told jay on camera “everything you think is funny is stupid.” matt who apparently for years believed that if jay ever got famous he would never speak to matt again. matt who joked that he was so successful after the dirties he deleted jay from his phone but jay came crawling back. matt who clearly thinks jay doesn’t need him, who makes an entire show about this insecurity. and then you have jay insisting he’ll be in every matt project coming up, telling matt he would’ve shot a life-threatening scene with him when no one else would. jay at matt’s side every day making blackberry, the movie that arguably legitimized matt in the eyes of the world. matt crying uncontrollably when he edits the ntb movie to end with a confirmation that he and jay have indeed succeeded in making their ambitions their life. their shared life. like i just

oh well i guess ill just be fat and hot