The ADHD Diaries

In the last year I have discovered how much using certain systems, and yes, unfortunately, how convenient “lazy” systems help me survive everyday life.

Like, I’m absolutely mad about it.

But delivery services (as overpriced as they are) have made it so that when I’m in a depressive bout and/or completely wrecked from work I will actually be able to eat. Otherwise I hit the executive dysfunction wall and physically can’t force myself to make anything.

Amazon (never been a prime member but still) has made it possible to get basic things that I either can’t find in my area or physically don’t have the energy to go questing through multiple stores. I have also been able to reconnect with craft hobbies from years ago I couldn’t find in stores.

And *gag* AI is sometimes an actually helpful when I have an idea but the structure to make it into a rough draft is the barrier to doing-the-thing.

I’m trying to refrain and plan from using these things for the Nov. 25-Dec. 2 blackout.

It’s frustrating that the convenience culture in the US has unintentionally created systems that support disabilities. But in a predatory way. And a monopoly way. It makes me irritated but also grateful when I’m otherwise drowning and couldn’t do certain things without support I don’t have irl.

There’s always two sides to everything. I wish it didn’t have to come with The Good Place level consequences when finally getting a breath of air.

It’s forcing me to learn my body’s limitations that I was always mocked for as being “weak, delicate, too sensitive.”

Turns out like with the brain part of ADHD, surprise!

The physical pain and limitations weren’t in my head. They just inconvenienced other people

Do I think learning this about myself is going to make my quality of life better? Yes.

Does it also royally suck? Also yes.

🫩🫠🫠🫠

On a beautiful day off I completely forgot to charge my phone, set an alarm, or take my meds. I only woke up because my dog and cat both started bugging me to get up. Then I realized I had a phone appointment in less than 30 minutes.

Turns out, unmedicated ADHD + a morning panic boost of adrenaline leads to super obvious symptoms.

Luckily, the appointment was for therapy where I rambled from topic to topic like an energizer bunny until I apologized because I forgot my meds. Maybe it was a good thing for my therapist to see instead of my normal fully awake levels of self-control.

I’ve been good about making sure I take my meds consistently for months now. So it’s always shocking to experience the out of control tailspin that is unmedicated stress. Especially when I literally rolled out of bed to it.

I figured since I missed my normal time I wouldn’t take it today since it’s long release. But the symptoms held on hard and I couldn’t get my racing thoughts and Chihuahua shaking anxiety under control. It was so bad that I finally gave in and took them.

I still have that energy humming through my body three hours later. But my god. The hour stretch it took for it to work was crazy to observe. The quiet and ability to focus that crept in. The way I was suddenly able to say enough to myself and calm down. I can’t believe I lived my whole life like the first part of my day. Not knowing it didn’t have to be like this.

As a child I despised and I mean extremely hated reading.

I had a lightbulb moment making coffee and thought, “okay, I can read at least one chapter of something, right? I feel like my mom trying to coax me to read as a kid.”

I realized that as a kid with undiagnosed ADHD, of course I hated something that took soo much focus. I would rather play make believe with my own storylines. Not stare hard at a page of words in someone else’s ridged story.

Now as an adult, I have so many other worries and stressors I have an endless amount of other things to focus on. That I should make a priority over, ugh, fun.

Keep going.

I know that passion project feels impossible while balancing the every day details.

The key is to remind ourselves we aren’t on a timeline. We aren’t competing with anyone else. Even if the world may try to tell us differently.

I struggle so much with maintaining hobbies and passions and when I “fail” I feel so much shame. Learning to overcome that is scary and frustrating and challenges my self-worth.

So much of our lives is picking up the pieces and continuing anyway. We know how to do this. We can do it.

The mind and body are NOT two different things.

This is one I legit just realized yesterday. How much I think of “myself” and “my body” as separate parts to take care of. How I view my own body as an external other to be used, neglected, and abused by “myself” and others in the past.

This may be partly ✨trauma✨ but most ADHDers I’ve met have trauma as well. And it can be hard to distinguish between.

But self neglect is also a common theme. Partly executive dysfunction that makes physical maintenance hard. Partly because we have been taught to abandon ourselves and mask in order to be safe. Often pushing ourselves past the mental and physical limits until we burn out and disassociate. Effectively severing the mind and body connection to get away from the reality our body is stuck in.

Listen to your body.

Especially when it comes to rest. Too often we all consider legit rest as a bad thing and equate it to “lazy” which we are already accused of. Though that’s usually ADHD paralysis.

Days when you can just FEEL the inner child about to have a meltdown over every little thing suuuck.

My current meltdown issue: no appetite for two weeks now. I know I’m hungry, but making/thinking about/eating food is just 😭 or 🤬 or 🤢

And I’ve been beating myself up for getting delivery as all the food in my fridge goes bad.

I have to remind myself that this will pass eventually. That I’m taking steps to make sure I don’t starve and get even more dramatic because I’m hungry.

It doesn’t take away the frustration at wasted food and money. But I’m trying to unlearn shame when it comes to my tumultuous relationship with food.