#adhd rambles

You guys don't understand how much I've been thinking about Iron Lung since I went to go see it the 30th.

Its technically an indie movie. And it's grasp on cosmic horror is by far one of my favorite takes on the genre. It is one set. One tiny little set. The inside of the SM-13. That's it. You see a glimpse of the outside world when they pull the sub up and out of the blood ocean. You can see that thry don't care about Simon's survival at the beginning. Especially finding out later that he has the title of "The Butcher".

The fact they specifically point out the glass is from Fillament Station is to make him think about the fallen station. He's given no sight. Barely a goal. And then dropped down where coms do not work.

Thr fact this man has to be in a tin box with an x ray camera and limited oxegyn, clutching onto the last seed of hope that he'll survive. He does his job, and he does it well, navigating without a single bump or crash.

And don't even get my started on our cosmic entity. This massive behemoth of a creature with a body too big to even see fully, yet able to navigate and surround from all directions. Shown as a preditor that waits and watches, that stares at the ship with a patience ti see of it, too, will come too close to the light. Only becoming provoked when rammed in the jaw woth the litteral spear on the SM-13 and when Simon finds the light.

But it can't reach him mentally. Not until Simon injests the blood that splatters on his face. Then its in him.

The mind games dont take long, the hallucinations and eventual physical take over the move blood Simon is exposed to. Forcing him to look at the thing its trying to protect to crush his soul and show him that Simom would be better off knowing. Forced to swim in the same blood that's slowly infecting him the more ot gets i to his system. To even mimic his feeble attempts to hold the camera button down in the same shape to have him look, to force him to see the monster that is closing in on him.

I have started using Linux Fedora and I'm very happy with the distro. So I am adventuring into learning the terminal (I feel so professional whenever I do something with it), Git (same story here) and then also continue the plan to learn programming (so I can stop being bothered by a lot of useful apps being very capitalistic lately).

Oh, and I also want to learn how to set up a virtual machine so I can try CachyOS and so that I know how to set up a virtual machine.

On a beautiful day off I completely forgot to charge my phone, set an alarm, or take my meds. I only woke up because my dog and cat both started bugging me to get up. Then I realized I had a phone appointment in less than 30 minutes.

Turns out, unmedicated ADHD + a morning panic boost of adrenaline leads to super obvious symptoms.

Luckily, the appointment was for therapy where I rambled from topic to topic like an energizer bunny until I apologized because I forgot my meds. Maybe it was a good thing for my therapist to see instead of my normal fully awake levels of self-control.

I’ve been good about making sure I take my meds consistently for months now. So it’s always shocking to experience the out of control tailspin that is unmedicated stress. Especially when I literally rolled out of bed to it.

I figured since I missed my normal time I wouldn’t take it today since it’s long release. But the symptoms held on hard and I couldn’t get my racing thoughts and Chihuahua shaking anxiety under control. It was so bad that I finally gave in and took them.

I still have that energy humming through my body three hours later. But my god. The hour stretch it took for it to work was crazy to observe. The quiet and ability to focus that crept in. The way I was suddenly able to say enough to myself and calm down. I can’t believe I lived my whole life like the first part of my day. Not knowing it didn’t have to be like this.

Which that's all fine and dandy, practicality at its finest is being able to keep drinks the proper temp and in their proper container, but the real kicker about this bottle apparently, is that the little clicking sound it makes whenever I open it, is apparently so stimmy, that I have been like drinking liquid constantly just because I want to click the button and open the bottle again.

The website itself is not the product.

WE are the product.

I have functionally zero friendship degradation mechanics. In order for me to stop considering someone a friend, I have to literally spend so much time separate from them that I forget about them entirely-- a process that, depending on closeness, can take a good 10+ years. I still feel the same love for my best friends in high school that I did then, and I still view them as people who are important to me even though many of us literally have not spoken since high school. The trend looks like it's going to be functionally the same with college friends.

But I also have no friendship reparation mechanics. With a lot of people, a fight with a friend can usually result in a temporary separation where both parties spend a few weeks or months apart before coming back together eventually just over time. But my brain doesn't know how to repair a broken friendship like that-- if I get into a bad fight with a friend and we don't talk it out at some point, or there's no apologies going on, then that heartache that you get right after something like that just never goes away. And I know it's very specifically friendship-oriented, because the same problem doesn't happen with my grudges-- I have a hard time holding them in the first place.