System Red

me: *never becomes less tired*

I figured something out about myself a long time ago– it’s only just now occurred to me that I was in fact solving a problem caused by executive dysfunction, and I haven’t been implementing this solution lately because my brain went “that’s a relatively new term to me and therefore a Different problem that requires a Different solution”. thanks a lot, brain.

anyway, long long ago, before I knew these fancy schmancy Official words, the problem, as I phrased it to myself, was such: 

sometimes I get Stuck. I was doing something, or on my way to doing something, and then… I just. got stuck.

“Stuck” looks like refreshing my feed or dashboard repeatedly. or it looks like staring at a spot on the wall. or chewing my fingernails. or picking at a stubborn sticker. all the while, my brain drifts through various unrelated topics I wouldn’t be able to recall if asked. sometimes I can get Stuck for hours before realizing I am Stuck. sometimes I get so Stuck that I go to bed that way (feeling especially bad for being unproductive) and I have to just reset everything by sleeping.

one day I asked myself, “why is this happening? why am I stuck, right now, at this moment in time?” the answer, as it turns out, was pretty simple: I was trying to make a decision, and I got distracted. I haven’t moved forward because I haven’t answered that one question or made up my mind.

let me rephrase this in terms of executive dysfunction: many people have expressed that it feels like knowing you need to do a thing but not feeling “ready” to do it. many with ADHD may also be familiar with the feeling of needing things to be “just so” before you embark on a task- you need your setup to look a certain way, or you need to set a timer, or have the right music playing, etc.

when I get Stuck it’s often because I got lost somewhere in that setting-up process, and my brain took the opportunity to nyoom off into Distraction Town.

getting myself Unstuck is solved, 95% of the time, by tracing my steps back to the original decision I was trying to make- often something small and inane- and then troubleshooting from there. (out loud! verbal processing is totally punk.) 

“what was I trying to do?” 

“was I trying to decide between two things?” 

(the answer’s usually yes.) 

“what were they?” 

“okay, let’s decide. 

“okay, that’s settled. let’s move on.”

and then I am free as a bird to nyoom in the direction of The Thing I Wanted To Do All Along, in the amazingly disorganized, scattered, yet rapid-fire way that I do many things.

so!!! in the case of my first post, where I hadn’t showered for 2 hours? turns out I had been trying to decide what music to listen to in the shower. (another hack: my chances of getting Stuck while showering decrease by 75% if I have music playing to help me keep track of time.) I couldn’t immediately make up my mind, got lost in thought, got distracted, and drifted. once I stopped and asked- “why am I stuck?”-  then I remembered- “oh yeah! I wanted to listen to music”-  and then decided- “I want to listen to Daft Punk’s Discovery album”- I was finally heckin able to shower. and also eat, and also throw my clothes in the dryer.

and may I add I only zoned out once, during the slow part of “One More Time.” :P

Solution: flip a coin or roll a dice. Follow the dice. If the dice rolled option makes you upset, do the other option.

If you’re making fun of the angry queers, the punk queers with funny hair, the ones who dress funny and augment their bodies, the ones who thrive through drag and kink and polyamory, the ones who reject the 2.5 kids and a white picket fence, then guess what?

Even when it’s been months since you have done a ritual or rite in their name, your Gods love you.

Even when you aren’t at your best, your Gods love you.

Even when they’re disappointed in something you have done, your Gods love you.

Even when you turn your back to them, your Gods love you.

I am perfectly happy working 8 hrs a day because I don’t have to:

grow my own food

find my own clean water

heat my house

so Humble Bundle is doing a whole hoard of amazingly cheap bundles right now so you can pick up loads of digital art software, books (of the fiction and non-fiction variety!) and videogames for REAL cheap. they’re pay what you want, starting at a single dollar ($1!!!!) and you can often pick up well over a hundred dollars worth of stuff for maybe ten bucks. it’s WILD.

without further ado –

Corel Paint with Confidence bundle – a bunch of art software to help you create digital art including Paintshop Pro, Gravit Designer Pro, Photo Mirage, Corel Painter, Pinnacle Studio 23, and a handful of brush packs. this is an absurdly amazing deal – usually you couldn’t pick up any of this stuff for less than $30, but with this bundle you’ll be getting $998 worth of art software for $25 (or less!!!!) – available until the 9th of October

Bundle of Book Bundles!!! – multiple bundles at once you say??? YES!!! this bundle features a multitude of book collections with books in a series, sixty-four titles all together – so you can pick up Nero Blanc’s crossword mysteries collection, Greg Keyes’ Age of Unreason, Timothy Zahn’s Dragonback series, some Jack Higgins, some true crime, basically a zillion books for basically pocket change!!! i know my followers are big readers!!! – available until the 23rd of October

One Special Day 2019 – this bundle supports my favourite charity EVER SpecialEffect (which provides disabled people with equipment to help them play videogames when they’d otherwise be unable to, which is important to me, a disabled gamer!!) and it features some fab titles like Broken Age, Dirt 4, Bomber Crew and my personal favourite, Purrfect Date, a game about dating kitty cats and delving into the secrets of Cat Island – available until the 22nd of October

Make Your Own Card game – have you ever wanted to make a cardgame/boardgame but not known where to start?? this has loads and loads of assets for you to use for a digital or physical cardgame for you to play with your friends!!! it’s available until the 23rd of October

Unity 2019 bundle – have you ever wanted to make your own videogames? because i guarantee you this is the perfect place to start. it gives you all the software you need, plus access to the best professional guides/tutorials money can buy, including a year’s access to Unity Learn Premium which is basically industry standard for learning how to make videogames, with interactive sessions taught by professional teachers, on-demand tutorials, in-depth courses etc etc. again, if you were to buy this stuff separately it would be worth over $1,000, but you can pick it up in this bundle for $15 or less!!!! available until the 15th of October

Linux & Unix book bundle – a whole hoard (over $650 worth actually) of books about programming/coding in Linux. now i’m an Idiot who knows nothing about Linux but i’ve been told by my Linux friends that this is a brilliant deal, so if this is something that interests you pick it up!! it’s only available until the 21st of October

The Builder Bundle – a bunch of bridge-constructor style building/puzzle/physics games like When Ski Lifts Go Wrong; Tricky Towers and even the absolutely fantastic Bridge Constructor Portal, which is an officially licensed Portal game featuring all your favourite Aperture Science gadgets, and is fully voice-acted by Ellen McLain (voice of GLaDOS). it’s an absolutely fantastic buy even on its own but you can pick it up for less than four dollars – available until the 8th of October

Old School Fantasy Roleplaying – tabletop fantasy RPGs are BIG right now thanks to The Adventure Zone and Critical Roll, but if you’ve ever wanted to play with your friends i really suggest this bundle. there’s lots of classics like Rappan Athuk, Goblins of Mount Shadow, Grimmsgate, Swords & Wizardry, Hyperborea – literally forty-five fucking books of games to pick up for less than $20 (altogether it’s worth $600+). amazing stuff, only available until the 9th of October!!

Tech and Electronics bundle – a bunch of ebooks focused on learning how to make and use electronics. if you study technology (or want to) this is a perfect buy, it’s a bunch of “Make:” books like “Getting Started with Sensors” and “Make: Analogue Synthesizers” and a bunch of guides/emagazines on how to best learn how to make cool electronics-adjacent stuff. if you’ve ever loved fiddling with circuits, plugging things into other things, taking things apart just to put them back together again, this bundle is probably a gift from heaven for you! available until the 7th of October

Network and Security Certification 2.0 – a bunch of, you guessed it, network and security certification books. i don’t know how useful these will be to most people on tumblr but i CAN tell you that you’d be picking up nearly $700 worth of books for $15 or less so if you work/study in security or programming or network then you should probably pick this up pronto!!! available until the 7th of October!

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i am an alter formed to process anger. i hold All That generational trauma. that's my whole identity and what my innerworld revolves around. my tribe wasn't wiped out by the spanish when they tried to colonize mexico. we never gave in even when tribes around us did. ultimately they couldn't kill us so they decided to forcefully assimilate us by turning our land into silver mines and enslaving us as well as Black people and forcing us to work in the mines. nearly ALL of our history is gone. the parts that remain are spanish accounts that portray us as "barbarians". the only way one might have access to our history is to be born in that area of mexico and be heavily associated with the tribe. even then most people are roman catholic.

no i will never not be mad about this. no i will never "forgive" colonizers. this is real. this happened and continues to happen today. sometimes i think how much easier my life would be if i didnt hold the trauma of my ancestors that has been passed down for centuries. every day i am discovering that certain things i do are common in people with generational trauma. it shapes my moods and my whole worldview. before i was born i was already carrying this.

this is why i have a hard time trusting white systems with nonwhite alters. i understand you can't control the race one alter happens to be. but your consumption of media is a big factor. some systems are entirely anime characters. some are obviously formed from someone's intake of kpop. some are formed because media and society portrays brown and Black girls as agressive, mean, sassy, sexual. one alter may be indigenous because your mind portrays that as being adventurous and free-spirited.

some may say that since they feel a certain race and have the "innerworld experiences" of it they practically are. but that's not true at all. the component lacking is generational trauma.

do you know what it's like to see your grandfather constantly drinking for the past decades for unknown reasons? that indigenous people are highly susceptible to alcoholism and s*icide? for the only way your family finds solace is to have your home country or homeland permeate your whole existance? to have family members cling so hard to cultural practices that they get agitated when you do something they percieve to be wrong/incorrect? if you are white the answer is no, you dont.

this is why i get so angry when i see nonwhite alters from white systems fruitlessly trying to dress that culture (whatever nonwhite culture it may be), take part in celebrations of that culture, trying to form their accent into one of that culture, and straight up claiming that they are a part of that culture and how it's sooo hard for them because they don't feel accepted.

it's the same as if a white singlet did so.

in the DID Youtube community this is very prevalent. alot of these white systems will attract white viewers. when you are putting the message out there that you are "a nonwhite person in a white body, but completely nonwhite!" they will start to think cultural appropriation on the basis of being a nonwhite alter in a white body is okay. eat the food, i don't care. read up on history because that would actually be beneficial. what you will NOT do is wear feathers in your hair, wear white-made "ethnic" clothing, and you absolutely will not think it is okay to have a nonwhite alter be one massive caricature whether that be personality, traits, or look wise.

my message to white DID youtubers/systems in general is to Do. Fucking. Better. acknowledge you are in a white body. acknowledge you have that privilege. Instead of being upset that meanie people of color don't want you to claim these things, see it as a privilege that you CAN CHOOSE whether or not to claim these things.

URGENT! If you're in Colorado, please, please be careful! If you know any trans men or transmasc people who might be in Colorado soon, please let them know about this. If you know any trans or LGBTQ+ groups, community centers, etc. in Colorado, make sure they're aware!

Before you listen to this, I must warn you this is one of the best things you will listen to in your whole entire fucking life.

Viva la Viral