The Moron Scribe

I used to be part of the Glee/Degrassi Fandom circa 2011-2014. Came back on because I thought it might be fun to start blogging Rise but I’m not actually sure it would be good for my sanity 😅.

1. It used the same plot devices that every teen drama ever has used.

Oh. How revolutionary. A sophisticated new girl drops in from New York, threatening the dynamic between a teenage girl and the male best friend she’s unrequitedly in love with? That’s Dawson’s Creek to a T.

Someone is having an affair with their teacher? Also Dawson’s Creek.

The parents dated during their own youth, because the writers HAD to write more scenes for the older actors and didn’t know what else to do with them? Basically everything Josh Schwartz has ever written. And the 90210 reboot. 

Maybe whoever wrote this thought, “I’m writing a teen show. This is how you start a teen show. But there are more interesting ways to write a teen show! There are even more interesting ways to write a love triangle. Even THAT love triangle. Look at Skins and My So-Called Life.

2. The murder of Jason Blossom doesn’t emotionally drive the story enough.

The whole YA murder mystery thing has really taken off since Pretty Little Liars rose to popularity. Riverdale knew exactly what audience it was reaching for. However, the pilot of PLL was objectively better. It had a certain kind of focus that Riverdale lacked. 

At the start of PLL, we meet our four leads. It’s established that they each have a close friendship with a girl named Allison, who disappears at the end of the opening scene. 

The story stays on a clear path from there. A year after Allison’s disappearance, all four girls begin receiving blackmail messages from a mysterious source, all involving secrets that only Allison knew. The connection between the main characters and the show’s central mystery is totally natural. We need answers regarding Allison’s disappearance, because it’s so crucial to the happiness and sanity of the characters that we’re invested in.  

Meanwhile, the connection between Riverdale’s deceased Jason Blossom, and the three main characters, Archie, Betty, and Veronica, feels forced and contrived. These three didn’t really know Jason, like the Liars knew Allison. In fact, most of their stress in episode one arises from unrelated love triangles and extracurricular woes. 

Sure, there are a few brief mentions of Jason’s relevance in their lives: Archie says he heard a gunshot when he was picnicking with his music teacher the day Jason was killed. Betty’s sister dated Jason at some point, and went a little nuts over it. But none of this actually contributes to the episode’s climactic moments: Archie telling his Dad he wants to be a musician, or romantically rejecting Betty but sharing a steamy moment with Veronica. Are we supposed to care that Jason is dead? Because the writers just don’t seem to tie it in enough. 

3. The gay character is absolutely tokenized. 

And I quote: “You’re gay? Thank god. Let’s be best friends.” 

WHAT!? 

4. The production design falls short. 

The original Archie comics have this wholesome, All-American feeling to them. 

Now, I get where the contrast comes from. Jughead states it in the first five minutes. We’re supposed to see the “shadows” yadda yadda. However, in order for there to be more of a contrast - in order to really make those shadows POP - we need more of the original Archie glow. 

I love the bright, colorful, campy execution of the suburbs in Desperate Housewives. 

I love the over-exaggeration of the 1950s personalities in Pleasantville.   

Riverdale feels like it only HALF got to where it wanted to be. It nailed it in several scenes, but felt cheap and lazy in others. 

It was a similar level of disappointment to how the 1980s were portrayed in The Carrie Diaries. The CW definitely has a knack for that kind of thing. 

5. AN OPPORTUNITY WAS SQUANDERED

“...Do I still have a Tumblr?” 

And then I went to see if my log in still worked and it did. 

And I had all these fond memories, particularly the summer of ‘13 when Miles Hollingsworth was introduced and I immediately said “Triles is endgame” and like four people listened.  

AND NOW. LOOK. LOOK AT THE SHOW. LOOK AT HOW PROMINENT TRILES IS.