Aries: You’ve got some frog skeletons AND a matchbook. You are fuckin set aries. You’re good, nothing can stop you.

Taurus: Today for tauruses, switching to spanish for uno momento will cause you to burst into flames so dont do that.

Gemini: Strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet, and friends are archenemies that havent tried to kill you yet.

Cancer: Today your illicit plans will cross the border into a full on fiendish plot. Congratulations cancer!

Leo: Instinct will kick in when you realize you havent dug up any old grave, you dug up the grave of famous Belgian painter James Ensor. 

Virgo: Turbo Botany.

Libra: All is done Libra. Let the past wash over you like a bathtub full of orange soda. 

Scorpio: Never attribute to bad luck that which can be attributed to a CIA counterintelligence operation.

Ophiuchus: No way of telling until you try. Wear insulated clothing, and the stars say not heat insulated, electrical insulation. 

Sagittarius: The heavenly bodies align to protect you today Sagittarius. If you get into trouble, the planet Jupiter will show up with a switchblade. 

Capricorn: No rest for the wicked, and that includes you. 

Aquarius: Communication. Write your affections on your significant other in permanent marker while they are asleep. Apologize profusely afterwards. 

sure, there would be ambivalence + psychosis + skipped appts + self-sabotaging but that would be seen through the patient's perspective- do you call it noncompliance when you stay up later than intended or go out drinking with friends when you swore you'd save money?