A nerd.

so strange when people assume 'waking up early' means increased productivity bc no??? im awake so i can read fanfic in bed before breakdown

BREAKFAST

the air not doing so good and the food is not doing so good and the water is not doing so good and me I am also not doing so good

sweetiepie OFFICIAL meeting

it goes without saying:

You have to pee in the shower to get into heaven

the cambrian period was like 10 years ago

the cambrarin period was like 3 years ago

You hook up with me for a one night stand and see me on grindr four years later. In the background of my photo is a fishtank. One of the fish has your face.

Moose at the next table: No they don't. I've been waiting here for an hour.

aren't gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn't maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall

Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.

This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.

They should substitute "chimpanzee" for "gorilla" in this hypothetical.

if it was a chimp i'm taking the fucking snakes

Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I'm not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.

Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.

fucking enamored with the implication that this gorilla is fully intelligent but is trying to manufacture plausible deniability like the movie barnyard

im not a girl Unless ☝️ im being told to go piss

By the way this book is over 1000 pages long

there’s a war between Sucking and Fucking

“word hashtag my word #myword” has done irreversible damage to my vocabulary