So I went to the doctor the other day and they had me do the depression/anxiety worksheets and immediately offered me a lot of drugs and asked if I was in danger.
Explaining passive suicidal thoughts is a trip.
No, I’m not about to kill myself, I just wish I could sleep forever and sometimes I think it would be easier if I could just die instead of waking up to an ever growing tower of bullshit.
Yes I’m aware this isn’t a healthy way to think, yes I’m in treatment for it, yes I know what intrusive thoughts are, yes this is pretty normal for me.
No it doesn’t ever really go away for me.
I’ve been observing as Tumblr learns healthy coping mechanisms and I’m happy that people are discussing how detrimental joking about wanting to die can be. But.
If you feel like this it’s okay to joke about it. It’s okay to say “well I haven’t killed myself yet so things are looking up” to your Trusted Support System.
My friend and I have a suicide pact which basically breaks down to “look, dickwad, if you kill yourself obviously I’m going to kill myself and you don’t want that so let’s just skip the whole mess.” So we call each other when we’re having a hard time and joke about picking out coffins and what to do with the bodies. Because we can’t say it gets better, or that there’s so much to live for, or that this too shall pass. Life gets harder and everything hurts. So pick out your cremation suit and tell me some knock-knock jokes, dickwad, because I’m having a bad night.
I don’t want you to think this is normal. This isn’t normal. People aren’t supposed to spend their time wishing they were dead. If that’s how you feel you should talk to a professional and see if they can help you to not feel like that. Hell, talk to a friend or a teacher or your sister and see if they can help you get help to not feel like that.
But for some people that’s baseline. And if that’s your day-to-day it’s okay to laugh about it because what the hell else are you going to do? There’s no crying in baseball.
So what’s the point? Why do you do it? I’m an atheist so it’s not like I keep on trucking out of faith or some hope for kindness from the universe. I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember so it’s not like I think that the nothing will quiet down and let me be at peace. Why wake up when all you want is silence?
The world is shit but I really like sunsets and loud music and candy and fanfiction.
The universe isn’t kind but I can be and some people need it.
Hell may be empty and the devils all here but paradise was a lie and we’re the only angels so we may as well act like it.
Eat a donut, have weird sex, swim in the ocean, give food to the hungry, be a voice for the silenced.
Do what scares you and wake up again tomorrow because if you already feel like this what do you have to lose?
vaporwave
yousharknotpass
jacobvanloon
