Hello! You're like the only person I could think of for this, how do I come out to my parents as trans?
oh gosh thatâs a hard question
before i really get into it, itâs important to preface that i had it about as bad as you could get. So all of my advice comes through that lens. My family has made it pretty clear to me that they donât want a daughter/sister, etc. I think if anyone else has some more... optimistic takes/stories feel free to comment for anon! lol
I think some of this is very practical, though.
I would say the most important thing is to get a sense of your own safety. How do your parents feel about trans people? How have they talked about them (if the topic has come up)? A good way to maybe test the waters is to mention it, as casually as you can. I had a friend come out when I was in high school, I mentioned it to my mom to see how she reacted. It... wasn't positive. Boiled down to "thank god I'm not their parent." If only she knew... Even if your parents are very loving now, that may not carry in the same way when you say you're trans. The loss of a loving family was probably the hardest part of transition for me.
This will ultimately determine how you should proceed. For me, my family was very religious and i knew that should i come out, there was no love waiting for me on the other side. Just preaching and attempted conversion back to straight/cis :/
So i just⌠didnât tell them. I told almost everyone else in my life, my friends, some teachers, and I got my validation there... I know that kinda secret-keeping isn't for everyone but it's what I had to do. This is ultimately your safest option especially if you are a minor who is worried about maybe your parents not being supportive. Also familiarize yourself with any laws or guidelines at your school regarding you being outed to your parents against your will. Laws in many areas are against us, unfortunately.
Sometimes the safest way to be yourself is not to come out to your parents. Or... Not until you have a very solid backup plan and are no longer under their roof. It's important to remember that all parents have a vision of your entire life in their heads. Wondering who you'll be as an adult, what you'll do. Coming out shatters that vision. Even for loving and supportive parents. Most of them don't know. They will likely have to grieve for the future they had planned out for you in their head as they navigate this new reality where they have a trans son/daughter/child. Which, is ultimately their own fault for imposing any strict guidelines on you, but y'know. That's just how things are I guess.
If you think your parents would be chill about it, but it's the act of coming out that's difficult, honestly my favorite method is writing a letter. That allows you to get all of your thoughts out in one coherent space, where an irl conversation could go a million ways and get kinda messy. That way you can ensure you write out everything you wanna say and don't forget anything in the anxiety and heat of the moment. Have any evidence to combat the inevitable "there were no signs"? Write it all out. Tell them a story. Tell them your story. Your real story. You can just... give them the letter, or you could read it aloud if you're stronger and braver than me.
I had a friend go drop my letter in the mailbox while I sobbed on their kitchen floor, knowing I sent the letter that would end my relationship with my mom. I then had to wait like a week for it to arrive. Letters are like, so slow you guys. Miserable.
I hope this helps, I do know that it's a very exciting time and its easy to feel like you have to come out to everyone because you feel like you have to transition asap, but genuinely think hard about their potential reaction and try to be realistic given what you know about them as people. We're living in a rough world for trans folks right now, if you don't think they'll be fierce defenders of you it may be worth being very cautious when coming out to them. I'm not intimately familiar with your situation though, what you do is ultimately your call.
Just know that no matter what happens, I and tons of people out there will love and accept you for who you really are. There's always love to be found if you look for it.
