The Adventure Zone fic recs!

And, like, he seemed pretty good at talking about swords and shit. He seemed to have a good grasp of the history and tactics. He'd analyze movie weapons for their realism and that was fun. He did demonstrations with real weapons. For a time I really looked forward to his videos popping up in my feed.

He seemed like a harmless sword-fighting aficionado.

But then I guess he wanted to spread his wings. So he started down an anti-woke path. Giving questionable critiques about media and feminism. He started defending boob armor by showing historical examples even though most of those were decorative and not battle ready like in the games.

Then he admitted he was a fan of The Daily Wire.

And that was disappointing.

I missed him nerding out about swords, ya know?

Well, Shad decided to spread his wings again.

He has become...

*bad French accent* An artiste.

You see, he types words into a little box. Then a little robot does a google image search and steals a bunch of art. Then that robot reconfigures that art to be nearly indistinguishable from the source material. Well... aside from the occasional artist watermark.

Whoops!

A.I. art is very difficult. Sometimes when you type words into the box you get a woman with 5 lopsided anime tiddies. Or 20 fingers on one hand. It takes time and effort and experience to type in the perfect magic words so that you get something close to your imagination that doesn't belong in some sort of Lovecraftian horror ripoff.

For example, check out this cool "pirate hat" I asked A.I. to place on my head.

Clearly, I am not skilled enough at typing words into a box to get a proper pirate hat.

It. Is. Not. Easy.

I heard someone say you have to type things in a box for 10,000 hours before you start getting truly masterful generations.

I mean, you can't type "marathon runners" and expect that to actually work.

THIS REQUIRES SKILL, PEOPLE.

And I am a lowly amateur. I can only dream of becoming the box-typist Shad has honed himself into.

The thing is... Shad is very upset.

He is upset that you don't like his "art" and he is ready to die on this hill.

So... before he croaks on a mound of bullshit, he has something to show you. He has created something truly brilliant and when you see it, he is convinced you will validate his considerable efforts.

Before I show you his "Not. Easy." artistic masterpiece I'd like you to sit with what he has said for a second.

Ruminate in the verbiage.

Process the ideas and points of view presented.

Digest his plea for you to accept and love his hard won battle after typing words into a box to manifest his imaginings.

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Have you sat?

Ruminated?

Processed?

Digested?

Okay, here it is...

“Actually, Madam Director,” Taako interrupts, “I’m wondering how you got this lavender tea so right.”

The Director blinks. “I simmer the lavender blossoms in a saucepan with water and honey, because I’m not a fucking barbarian. Twenty minutes, dash of vanilla, the whole thing. Anyway–”

“It’s good tea,” Merle pipes up.

“Thanks, Merle. So–” 

“Hold up, hold up. Holllld up.” Taako actually raises his hand. “How– okay, I mean, what the hell, that’s exactly how I make lavender tea, how’d you know?”

“I know everything, I’m the Director.”

“Are you spying on us?” Magnus says, suddenly interested. 

“I can, uh, no, I can’t confirm that, or, deny, that horrific breach of employer-employee confidentiality. I probably just know that stuff because of all the cool superpowers you get when you’re in charge of a secret moon-based operation.”

Merle waves his hand enthusiastically. “Hey, what’s tattooed on my butt!”

“Kenny Chesney, which I know on account of you came into my actual office with your whole entire ass hanging out.”

“It was like three quarters, max,” Magnus says. “Hey, what’s my favorite tea?”

“You think tea is for chumps.”

“I do,” Magnus says, earnestly pleased. 

“Does anyone have any non-tea related questions?”

Merle waves his hand again. “Do you know about our secret st—“

“Taped under Magnus’s bed. Yes.”

“Aw,” Magnus says to his tea. 

“For someone with such extensive woodworking proficiency, I really thought you’d have, like, a secret drawer somewhere,” the Director says thoughtfully. 

“Hey, taped under the mattress is a classic,” Taako says. 

“It’s very, mm, very college hijinks, reminiscent, very Animal House.”

“Bullshit, you never watched Animal House,” Merle says.

“I may— I might have. You don’t know.”

“Name one— name one scene! Just one! Gimme a quote!”

“I don’t have to, because I’m your boss. Can I get back to telling you about your new incredibly important mission to save the whole— basically the whole entire world, already, or do you want to waste more time playing Fantasy fucking Trivia?”

The three Reclaimers look at each other, and then Taako uses mage hand to pour himself more lavender tea. 

“What’s Merle’s favorite tea?” he asks, grinning, and the Director drops her face into her hands. 

Tres horny boys: yeah whatever. i don’t feel shit.

5 minutes later: dude we gotta stop the hunger from eating the universe

it’s all downhill from here

original post / part 1 / part 2 / part 3 / part 4 / part 5 / part 6 / part 7

bonus:

trq: kravitz.

kravitz: you called for me, my lady?

trq: you met with the wizard?

kravitz: i - i did.

trq: and how did it go?

kravitz: he made a very… interesting case, my lady. he believes that the people have of refuge have been punished enough, and -

trq: kravitz.

kravitz: i - yeah? [clears throat] yeah?

trq: how did it go? i see you made a vase. did he do the thing from ghost? from fantasy ghost?

kravitz: well - i mean -

trq: kraaavitz. don’t lie to me, kravitz. i am your queen. did he do the thing from ghost?

kravitz: … yeah. yeah. [mumbling] he said he liked my skeleton.

trq: it’s a nice skeleton! good bones. good bones for a - for a good boy. very sturdy.

kravitz: thank you, my lady.

He’s lying on Lup’s bed, his head hanging off the side and his feet up against the wall. She’s sat on the floor next to the bed, clutching the bottle of wine they’ve been working their way through.

Lup thinks for a moment and says, “kill… Avi.”