I have to resort to everything within me to not text or call you. I have the extreme urge to go back to everything that once made me me. Go back to all I was before I even knew who you were, before you changed me completely and before you entwined your whole being with mine.
I’ve always known that I’m doomed to find pain in every aspect of my life, regardless of how little or insignificant it may seem and I also know that this means I get to find the beauty and love in everything as well. I don’t think I would ever trade my soul or change it. If feeling low means I get to feel ecstatic, then I welcome it. But it’s times like this, when everything stops and my being completely shuts down, when I wish I were indifferent to any kind of pain.
I’ve told you before but still, I don’t think you could ever comprehend how much your sheer pressence and existance has affected my life, in good and bad ways. I have written about you on letters, on my journal, on my notes app, on every social media, to you and now this old place that feels like my teenage room. A place where I haven’t been in years, where I once was safe from the outside world.
I guess I always sort of knew you would hurt me but I always thought it would be because of my own projections and expectations of you. I never thought you’d have a knife in this fight and I know you kinda warned me, now that I think about it. I really wish it would be different this time. However, I have no doubt you’ll come back. I really hope you do. I want you to have your space and I’ve always given you that, at least I think I have and I’ve tried to. Everything feels so wrong right now. I don’t want to dwell on it but I don’t see any other way. I’m sorry that I’m like this. I’m sorry that I miss you. I’m sorry that I won’t leave quietly. I’m sorry I’m too emotional and I’m so so sorry that you don’t want me. I can never tell you how sorry I am. I’ll be waiting for you, I know I will but I’m also afraid that I won’t be here if you decide to come back. Maybe you never do and I stay here, right where you left me. Maybe I leave this earth without you even turning around to see if I stayed. I love you, and that’s the one thing I’m the most sorry about.
