#writeletters

Everyday I put on a smile and I pretend I am okay. I tell myself I am blessed. I have so much to be thankful for but I also have a lot of lies and hurt I keep to myself.

I have been through hell this past year. Hell in the sense of realizing who I am and realizing I may be growing from the girl I once was into a woman. Realizing that even if someone loves you that doesn’t mean they will not hurt you. It doesn’t mean that person will not become the terror you fear most.

I lost myself. I lost myself in him and I lost my light to understand my worth. I focused on mending him instead of myself. Relationships can be toxic if you do not learn to love yourself.

I have confidence, but I fight for that confidence everyday. I have people who want to see me fail. They want to see my relationship become a lie, they want to see me alone, afraid and unsure of who I am. So I lie to myself and say I am okay. Even though I fight for the right to be okay every damn day.

You had a choice ya know? Is what I would like to say to her. You had a choice not to raise me. I had no choice. I was little and it was not my fault. I was forced to be in a family I didn’t know. I was forced to replace my current siblings with your children whom I believe at this day really despise me. For reasons I do not understand. I was good. I wanted to do good for everyone and always have, but you made me feel like I was a horrible person. Because I was afraid. I was afraid that I’d never be enough for you because I wasn’t even enough for my own real mother to want me.

You opened your arms to me and gave me a home. You tried to make me feel loved but I always felt like you had some jealous rage towards me. If people complemented me you’d say something sarcastic like yep everyone loves Shawna. Like it was my fault that I could be loved. So I stopped smiling and I started to feel like I just need to shut my mouth and be quiet. I began to lie to you because you scared me. I began to question my worth because you told me I was ungrateful.

I didn’t make the best grades because I didn’t have the educational background your prized children had. But the one thing you didn’t notice about me is that I really loved you. I wanted to be like you and I wanted you to see that but you wanted to believe I was no good. I still do not understand it to this day and maybe never will.

Yes I made mistakes that you begged me not to do because I was a teenager with no clue and I felt alone. I felt like you would never understand me. You tried to and I get it you worked more than most women with four kids usually do. You basically raised us while my father went from job to job until he found something steady but usually it was something that sent him away from us. So it was just you and us. I get how you could feel alone. I get that you had been going through your own personal battles with a crazy ex husband and a new husband you had to raise like a child. I get it. I wish that you would have let me love you the way I wanted to. Because we could have had a relationship that people adored but now we have one that we force. Maybe now you really want to love me but I’m to confused as to why now? Are you realizing that something’s should have been done differently or do you realize I’m a good person.

You told me recently you wanted to be in the room when I had my first child and my heart jumped with joy. You want that connection now and I do too, but I’m afraid that if I let you in you won’t be genuine.