#weirder

Lestat: omg why don’t you all go MIND YOUR BUSINESS 😤😤

"..."

oh hey, what’s up? I’m Jack, I’ve been lurking in the shadows of the community for way too long and I’m now revealing my presence!

Name: it’s Jack, didn’t you just see it up there? I will also accept Jacques, Jack-Jack, Jackrabbit, Jackalope, Jack Sparrow, Jack Daniels or J-Money

Age: old enough to drink, not old enough to say “back in the good old days…” while I stare wistfully out the window (I could do that, but I’d just be reminiscing about when everyone wore their jeans around their knees)

Pronouns: he/him, they/them, hey/you, call me whatever you want as long as you don’t call me late for- nope, I’m not finishing that joke

About Me: why are you asking? who do you work for? WHO SENT YOU?! Just kidding. Here are some things I like doing- writing, thinking about whump, thinking about writing whump. Here are some things I like doing but am bad at- cooking things, climbing things without falling off of them, running without feeling like I’m going to die. Here are some things I don’t like doing- studying, going to the gym, watching romantic comedies, eating canned vegetables, getting my socks wet.

About Whump: love it. Love, love, love it. Whump is great. I like almost all flavors (but hold the nuts and butts and sexy bits.) My particular favorites- defiant whumpee, whump with magic/fantasy elements in it, whumpers who just suck, uh…whumpees in gladiator fights?? But…cage matches. Not bare-chested men in loincloths stabbing each other.

Here are some blogs about whump I really like: @smellofsnoww @weirdstrangeandawful @whumperofworlds @whumperfultime @redwingedwhump @painsandconfusion @newbornwhumperfly @pigeonwhumps @caspia-writes @spookyboywhump @oddsconvert and literally so many more, I have been lurking here for *a while* also I will probably make a blubbery post about why I like these blogs the next time I have a drink

About WIPs: I have a grand total of one. It currently exists as a complicated red-string-board of a Google Doc with way too many characters and at least three plotlines. It’ll probably still have too many characters and plotlines when I post it. It’s mainly about vampires and humans whumping each other into absolute oblivion, so if that’s your speed, stay tuned, sports fans. Edit: I have spiraled into insanity and no longer have just one WIP. It was inevitable.

Anyway, it’s me, finally coming out of the shadows to join the whump community in their mission to make fictional characters suffer! I have the power of God and whump on my side- AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH-

Chapters: 2/7 Fandom: A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket, A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV) Rating: Mature Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death Relationships: Count Olaf & Jacques Snicket, Count Olaf & Lemony Snicket, Count Olaf & Kit Snicket, Count Olaf/Esmé Squalor, Past Count Olaf/Kit Snicket, Klaus Baudelaire & Sunny Baudelaire & Violet Baudelaire & Count Olaf, Count Olaf & His Troupe, Olivia Caliban/Jacques Snicket Characters: Count Olaf, Jacques Snicket Additional Tags: Haunting, Missing Scene, Ghost Jacques Snicket, Canonical Character Death, Olaf–Typical Villainy, Picks Up Towards the End of The Vile Village and Goes to...Well...The End, Insanity, Olaf Losing His Mind (He Stops Telling His Hawks from His Handsaws if You Get Me), Guilt, Backstory, Character Study, Horror, Angst, Psychological Distress, Hurt No Comfort, Hatred that Sure Has Involved a Lot of Staring and Touching for Much of Their Lives, POV Second Person, Jacques Snicket Haunting the Narrative...Literally Summary:

You take things from persons who get in your way. You knock birthday cakes from the hands of people at crosswalks. You dump whole cups of lollipops that should be given to children at banks into your pocket. You kick dogs when they show you their bellies. You ruin things and laugh and it goes without saying that you’ve killed a great deal of people.

If not directly, then by association. By coincidence. You can’t seem to stop, so now it’s a choice.

You’re an expert in your field. You don’t believe in ghosts.

If the other side really existed, and if everyone whose deaths you had a hand in really got to take a number to demand their pound of flesh or see their business finished, you’d croak from old age yourself before they all got their long winded speeches and curses out of the way (to say nothing of their actual vengeance).

Jacques Snicket, tonight, is simply the latest addition to a long line.

Or, at least, he was.

I was just chillin in my grandmas first living room which is from a hoarders house, but has very nice white lace windows.

An assassin bug got into the room and was crawling on the curtains, and I'm a big bug guy so I was like OUHHH IT'S THE- O,N ONION RING IT'S THE ONION RING

Assassin bug for reference.

That little proboscis under their mouth can unhinge and they can reach out and snatch and bite their prey with it, and kind of like a spider it injects venom and then slurms them up. And they can fly, I think, just incredibly poorly or not at all.

I didn't reach out to pick it up, just observe it because their bites hurt nasty and I couldn't remember if they're aggresive or not, but then it kind of stepped towards me from the curtain and I got nervous and walked away. And he fucking FLEW AT ME. It was really slowly but it freaked me out so bad.

I walked to other sides of the house so I could lose it or it'd sit down again so I could catch it and let it out, but it just didn't stop. So I hid in the bathroom.

It loudly flew to the bathroom, stuck it's dumb little proboscis through the crack of the door, SNIFFED ME, like BIG WET HUFF, and made the saddest human bug noise I've ever heard before flying away.