Get angry

Hate me

Instead of not thinking about the white elephant, you need to think about the red balloon, ie find a distraction.

Every time you get the urge to do something, you need to focus that energy elsewhere. I know part of impulsivity is the fact that no real thought is put into the actions beforehand, but part of it (for me at least) is also usually a restlessness.

Try picking up a small hobby, I always end up recommending crochet because that’s what I do, but there’s also knitting, origami, hand sewing, even video games if that’s your cup. If you need to get out of the house, candid photography, bird/people watching, literally just wondering around on foot, thrift store regularly have interesting things to look at at least.

Your behavior sounds almost OCD~ish (I know people say “oh im so OCD 🤪!” But genuine Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a form of anxiety, mitigated through specific occasionally extreme behaviors, it is seen as a disorder when it can/does impede on aspects of your life.)

Note:I am not a professional, nor do I have OCD I just got really tired of people minimizing it and this is how I ended up phrasing it to get the point across, if anything is misconstrued, do not hesitate to correct me.

Obviously you plan to speak to your therapist about it, and one thing they’re likely going to ask is “why?” As in, what prompts you to perform the behaviors? Most actions tend to have a reason behind them (I remember picking up “I don’t know” as an answer because the answers I did give didn’t satisfy the adults around me.)

Again, I recommend focusing your energy elsewhere, every time you get the urge, do that other thing instead

Whats really frustrating me right now are people who talk about doing this great thing of helping out our community around the holdays(volunteering in a soup kitchen, adopting a local family for gifts, sponsoring a meal, etc) and get all excited with you when you set up something for them to come and help, swear up and down they will all be there, and have you and others super happy because for once you might have extra hands at these events.

Then the day comes. You are setting up, group of friends aren't there yet. Well maybe they are running late, you think to yourself and you just continue on setting up with the others. No big deal.

A little more time passes and the families for this start to arrive. The group of friends you invited still haven't shown up. They will be here, You reassure yourself, a little less confidently. Maybe they were stuck in traffic?

The family party continues on and on, and everyone but you is having a good time. All you can think about are those friends who put you in this position. The volunteering staff is short 5 people, but they don't mind. It happens all the time here. The kiddos are laughing, parents chatting together. Who care?

Then the party is over. Some of the families take off, kids full of sugar, us volunteers help sneak bags of gifts into the trunks for them later. Well maybe they will come for clean up, you rationalize. After all, it is going to take a few hours.

Spoiler alert: these friends didn't show up. When I checked up on them later, it turns out they were intending to come but decided beforehand to go to lunch together, all 5 of them. They figured it was alright, set up was pretty much taken care of. By the time they finished with lunch, 2 of the party wanted to go check some shop nearby for some more comfortable shoes for this event (which I get. If you were sandals, and a kiddo runs by and gets your toes, little feet stepping on yours can really hurt.) But by the time they got done there, the event had started and they all figured it would be a waste of time and if they had shown up they would be disrupting the system we had in place already for who did what. No matter how many times I reiterated that it would be okay! And that any extra volunteers would be great at any time of arrival, even at the last minute, it just didnt seem to click with them. Two went on the defensive, saying that not everyone feels the way that I do about something like this ( they emphasized, idk what exactly they meant.volunteering? keeping a commitment?) but they tried their best and maybe next year we could all get together again. That the party was over already and water under the bridge and to just move on. I told them I couldn't accept that, and ended the conversation. A few have tried reaching out-assuming they feel guilty- offering to pop in with coffee or lunch, asking if there are any other opportunities this week to help out (there are, and I will let them know but I will not expect it.)

Guys its really easy to gaslight me. Really easy to just emotionally put a stop to my thinking, I was in a highly toxic and abusive relationship for years. I have been out of for almost 3 and learning to process emotions, take ownership for my own feelings, and realize I can't handle others emotions. I have been physically ill since this party on saturday, feeling both guilty for being angry at them for coming, and guilty for not adding more volunteer slots to the party roster (this is my responsibility with our center).

This morning, I just sort of sat back, and started to think about how miserable I was, but them being there didn't ruin the event. Everyone there had fun, and we really met all of our goals. And I do have a strong passion for this. I love our community center, the work we do with the kids, and just being there. Saturday I was physically there, but mentally I wasn't. And it just really hit how selfish I feel now, and how little it actually mattered because the party was amazing, the kids were happy and taken care of, and guys they are all so amazing and bright and kindhearted. I can't wait to see what they do with their lives and how they pay it forward in their own way.

Melting like marshmallows...

I remember no matter how much I scrubbed,

No matter how raw my skin,

No matter how hot the bath was...

I didn't feel clean.

I don't ever feel clean.

I won't feel clean.