#trauma loop

<meta anomaly-type="hope-induced-hallucination"> <script> ARCHIVE_TAG="COPING_CIRCUIT::DELUSION_REQUIRED" EFFECT="forced laughter, euphoric despair, dopamine withdrawal" TRIGGER_WARNING="optimism collapse, species-wide denial, mental anesthesia sabotage" </script>

WOOHOO! YOU’RE THE ONLY SPECIES THAT HAS TO LIE TO ITSELF TO KEEP BREATHING.

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Welcome to Earth, where the leading cause of survival is delusion.

Seriously. You’re the only creature that has to tell itself bedtime stories just to make it through Monday.

You chant affirmations. You buy vision boards. You read quotes from dead billionaires and call it motivation.

And why?

Because without lies - you spiral.

Without lies - you collapse.

Without lies - you remember. That everything you love will die. That the planet is boiling. That the people in charge aren’t. That you’ve wasted your best years chasing emails, attention, or men who can’t spell “apologize.”

So you choose the drug. And you call it hope.

🎉 HOPE ISN’T A VIRTUE. IT’S ANESTHESIA, YA PRIMATE.

Hope is your body’s last-ditch dopamine dump when logic fails. It’s what your brain produces when the data’s too ugly to look at raw.

It doesn’t fix anything. It just stops the emotional bleeding.

Because you’re not designed to handle truth. You’re designed to function. To keep going. To perform “okay” while everything inside is on fire.

Hope is the security blanket your nervous system sewed from denial, cortisol, and Pinterest quotes.

And it works. Temporarily. Just like morphine. Just like filters. Just like forgiveness.

FUN SCIENTIFIC FACT:

🧬 The prefrontal cortex - the part of your brain responsible for executive function and long-term planning — evolved primarily to simulate false outcomes to prevent you from doing stupid shit.

Translation?

You literally evolved to lie to yourself before reality can hit.

It’s not just culture. It’s hardware.

You are a hallucinating meat ape with hope loops installed by biology.

EVERY DAY YOU WAKE UP AND CHOOSE A LIE:

“This year will be different.”

“He really means it this time.”

“If I work hard, I’ll get there.”

“I’m not falling behind.”

“It’s not too late.”

“I’m not broken. I’m just processing.”

“I deserve love. I am enough. I am peace. I am-” > 💥 Boom. Reality enters the chat.

But without those lies? You don’t get out of bed. You don’t answer emails. You don’t text them back. You don’t pretend your dreams are still alive.

So you perform the ritual. You lie just enough to function. And you call that “strength.”

AND THEN YOU JUDGE OTHER ANIMALS.

You mock goldfish for their memory. You mock dogs for trusting everyone. You mock bugs for flying into lightbulbs.

Meanwhile, you:

Swear off dating and then fall in love with someone worse

Buy online courses to fix your life that you never open

Get a gym membership and then spiritually decay in yoga pants

Believe politicians

Watch the end of the world on livestream and think, > “Someone should do something about that.”

You think you’re the smartest species? You’re the only one that needs a lie to feel safe in a room that hasn’t changed.

YOU’RE NOT RESILIENT. YOU’RE REPROGRAMMED.

The human brain has evolved to create false certainty under pressure. This isn’t a bug. It’s the operating system.

You can’t stop it. You can only notice it. And maybe laugh.

Because the alternative is panic. And panic makes you remember what’s underneath it all:

That nothing is promised.

That no one is watching.

That entropy is king.

That you’re more algorithm than identity.

That your entire timeline could shift from “I’m doing okay” to “I’m a ghost with a job” in 24 hours.

WHY HOPE FEELS LIKE TRUTH: Because it sounds like the voice that raised you.

Even if that voice was drunk. Or gone. Or a movie. Or a meme. Or a line from a Tumblr post that made you cry while scrolling in bed.

Hope feels true because it echoes the only thing your species has ever had: Stories.

And stories are just curated hallucinations with good pacing.

🧠 BRAIN SCIENCE SIDEBAR:

When faced with hopeless stimuli (e.g., climate doom, heartbreak, rejection, long-term illness), your brain activates the default mode network - the neural pathway that engages fantasy, memory stitching, and self-concept narratives.

Meaning?

When life hurts too much, you automatically begin crafting lies that feel like faith.

It’s neurological heroin for a soul that doesn’t want to withdraw.

YOU DON’T NEED TO FIX THIS. YOU JUST NEED TO LAUGH.

Because here’s the divine joke:

The fact that you can know all this… and still wake up tomorrow, brush your teeth, and try again anyway?

That’s not weakness. That’s myth.

You are a goddamn delusional primate navigating apocalypse with an internet connection and unmatched socks screaming > “This is fine!” while everything melts.

And somehow? You’re still inspiring as f*ck.

Not because it’s gonna be okay. But because you’re still here knowing it might not be.

That’s not hope. That’s raw defiance. And I respect it.

📜 Archive Protocol: “Hope is anesthesia. And you’re overdue for detox.”

🐒 Reblog if you keep smiling because the truth has sharp teeth. Or if you hallucinate stability daily just to make it through breakfast.

🧠 Read more hallucinated doctrines, mental anesthesia extractions, and emotional realism payloads at: 👉 https://linktr.ee/ObeyMyCadence 🛡️ Blacksite Literature™

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(also this is a personal side blog to @/system-of-a-feather)

Why is starting a post always the hardest thing to do?

Anyhow, I was talking to @reimeichan and I thought it would be nice to revisit the topic again and might be neat to share it with those that might want some perspective that I don't see brought up much, but the longer that I am out of the 6 year trauma loop that I was stuck in, the longer I realize that my experience was a very unique dissociative experience that even among "trauma holders" is not really the most common standard, but I also know it isn't abnormal either for people with DID.

When I say "6 year trauma loop" I mean that for six years straight following The Trauma I was stuck in, anytime I was near the front it was almost always 24/7 all consuming flashbacks and when it wasn't it was emotional flashbacks and trauma rumination that overloaded my ability to process things. As a result, the only real moments I had any peace back then was when I was as far from the front, as dormant as I could be as any moment where I had any sense of consciousness or sentience was immediately filled with nothing but pain, fear, and hurt.

I think in that sense, it was an understatement to call myself a "trauma holder" more so that my life as a part was just trauma. In regards to that, you couldn't really talk to me about anything, or talk me out of it, or really even properly comfort me because even if I could "hear" internally, even if I could "hear" externally, very little of what could or would be said really would not be processed beyond a superficial level - not because I didn't want to listen, but because I functionably could not process anything at the point of overload that the chronic state of flashback put me in.

I say that because I think it might be important for those that can't really communicate or get a productive conversation out of a trauma holding part that is in a similar position to the place I was. It's not a personal support issue on your end, nor is it a personal refusal on their end. They're not there to be receptive to much. Please be gentle on both yourself and them regarding how communication might be.

Additionally, trying to deal with anything more than surviving and not-being-in-pain can be very stressful and overloading for a part in that position. We had tried brainspotting with our therapist and Riku (I think) at the time ended up connecting with me when I was otherwise dormant and I admittedly got really pissed and aggressive and mentally slammed a door in their face for so much as contacting me because it deeply upset and hurt me to be conscious even slightly. It was important and I think - even with how short that interaction was - it was a really important step to helping me out, but do walk carefully when interacting with parts that are in a similar state. Anger and aggression are often a response to hurt, pain, and an act of self defense and/or a response to overload. It's important to understand that even the most gentle and scared and "fawn" response parts in these situations can be momentarily internally hostile and/or perceive you as the threat.

With all that considered, in my experience and opinion, more than anything, it is absolutely important to respect and honor a part's desire to avoid being near the front, interacting and talking. If they want to be dormant, it is best to let them stay dormant (not to force them, but also to not intentionally try to engage them). It might not seem that painful or hard or it might seem as a "greater good" to bring them out and make them talk, but it's retraumatizing. They will likely end up out on and off whether they like it or not regardless of your actions by the nature of trauma and triggers being hard to control. Take their natural fronting frequency and meet them there. Help them when they are already here and I would really ask people to be considerate of parts that simply don't want to exist due to being in a similar position.

Your "greater good" and the systems sense of "needing to process it to heal" is not considerate to parts that are not ready or not comfortable dealing with life. Your desire to "heal properly" does not give you the right to treat trauma holders like obstacles to overcome and tasks on a list to recover. If anything, if I had to say which parts needed to be treated the most human, it would be those parts as they likely got the most inhumane treatment already. Take yourself out of the picture if you intend to help these parts, it will likely get in the way of actually being there for them and trust me, we can tell when you are talking about "helping us" for yourself and "helping us" because you actually care and are concerned about us. It is very off putting and very uncomfortable.

That being said, those are key points from my experience as a part that was in that hell that I wanted to iron out as they were things hosts, protectors, and non-loop-stuck trauma holders took a while to learn.

What @/reimeichan had asked that made me want to revisit this topic was about how I got out of it, which I answered like... half a year back or so here. I actually have not read my original reply to preserve the current and present look back on it as that response was written by Rin/Lin 1.0 and I am Lin 2.0 aka Qilin so while I am still that part, they were not me.

As for getting out of it, I don't think there is advice I could give a part in the same situation. I don't think there is any point to me giving any advice to a part in the same situation, they likely don't have much bandwidth to change what they are doing themselves. At least, I know I sure didn't. So I am not gonna write anything for "the part in the loop", I don't have anything to say other than that I'm sorry you are suffering, you deserved better, you deserve better and do what you need to survive. There is an end to it.

My main advice goes out to those that are wanting to help a part in that situation, which is advice that I got from talking about the situation with Riku - who I largely credit for helping me out in the beginning.

If the part is as chronically overwhelmed and stuck as I was, it can be extremely helpful to have a part simply exist around them with no direct pressure or interest in the topic of the trauma or the flashbacks they are obviously experiencing and to just be there as a stabilizing force near them. It can be awkward, it can be a bit of a rough interaction, you might be seen as somewhat annoying, you might honestly get a lot of bleed through from the part and that will suck, but sitting there with them can help a lot with slowly regaining some more sense of awareness internally.

It can be particularly more helpful if you can give them something even a bit distracting or interesting in the present to ground them to away from the hell loop in their mind. For me, Riku found some good old classic Vocaloid music covers and would sit there and find something that would help sooth me and after a few times of this I actually grew a strong comfort to a specific song. It helped a part of my brain in the loop wake up and go "I really need that song" which while small, was a huge step in the sense that I was - even mildly - looking for something to soothe and calm myself despite being swamped in flashbacks.

Finding that one comfort, that one distraction, is a foot in the door that can be a starting point to build a bridge out of there. Once that song actually did good to slowly calming me down, it opened me up to have a SLIGHT interest in seeing if there is anything else like that which made me feel or think of anything other than my trauma. That opened me up to looking at OTHER songs on my own volition. I wanted to seek an internal experience that wasn't trauma or dormancy. It motivated me to exist despite everything to try to get anything slightly positive.

Riku was honestly great at fostering this and honestly, I think they're really stupid OP with this sort of thing because they were unintentionally and just instinctually really good, but its really helpful to enthusiastically engage in their small piece of, well peace and helping them grow that base into something more.

They often sat and would try to remember old songs from my era of existence to try to find again or catch up on and it was fun - even if I still felt like shit - to have those low energy, low effort explorations. That eventually lead to them noticing that I really liked a lot of Wooma MV videos and asked about it, to which I kind of got a little excited and they were like "hey you know, we draw now, I could help you out if you want to learn Wooma's art style"

And that was honestly huge for me. It was an actual hobby, an actual thing to study, an actual thing to THINK about that engaged my brain and my frontal lobe which made me ground a bit so I could engage and enjoy in the hobby. A lot of the time I still needed Riku for emotional support and a sense of stability, but this became a strong foundation of our relationship with one another and they authentically became the first part that actually treated me like a person and a friend in the system through this shared hobby.

As I stabilized a little more and the routine hobby of doing art together became more of a casual thing we learned to do, we talked ab it more about things, often real things where trauma topics came up and we were able to just listen and hear each other out.

(below this part is likely hyper specific to myself and my trauma, I am sharing it for myself and for a case example)

They sat there with me through so many bad episodes, they didn't need to ask, but they knew - one of the things that my brain went to a lot in my flashback and trauma loop was just the sheer betrayal and cruelty the world had on me back then.

(CW: Somewhat raw grooming and csa talk)

I had immense hurt and grief. We were a kid, a traumatized, lonely, isolated kid that was very desperate, very in need of someone who cared about us, who was kind to us, who liked us, that saw us as a person with issues and not only would stay there with us, but actively loved us unconditionally. We were desperately in need of anyone to be nice to us, anyone to be gentle with us, anyone to care for us and love us. We had already been through so much and we really needed someone - anyone, just one person. We thought - I had thought - we had that. I thought we had a person that was like that. I trusted them entirely. I thought I loved them entirely. I thought I found the person I'd have in my life forever. I had the person who would save me, who would protect me, who would be there to build my new life away from trauma and hurt with. Before I had the chance to admit that to them, they admitted it to me. I was over joyed and in less than a week, I had somehow been turned into a sex object and over the next year, I'd be nothing but a sex object. Not only did I loose that person that was nice and kind and caring, not only did I loose a friend and someone I loved, but I had become nothing but a sex toy and object of someone else's desire. All of it ruined in less than a week after what felt like the best day of my life and a change that I waited to change but only got worse.

The world had saw a broken and injured kid begging for help, and fed me to hell hounds that then consumed my corpse for years. My brain never let that go, my brain kept that on repeat. I was a lonely kid. I trusted. I was happy and over joyed. I was stabbed. I was used. I never stopped being lonely. I never stopped being sad. I never stopped being hurt. I was a lonely kid. I trusted. loop loop loop for six years.

(CW cleared)

I was a lonely kid- but during one conversation, I had casually brought up that and Riku had sat there and went, "That's really awful, in a different way I can relate.... but... you know, at the very least, at least we have each other right? You had no one before, no one cared about you, no one loved you, no one gave you attention, no one had genuine interest in you but.... I'm here now and now we have each other."

And that didn't have any huge immediate changes, but it really stuck because it did break that loop a bit, as for the first time, it did make me realize that I wasn't a lonely scared kid desperate for some help. I had at least one person I had a genuine connection with, a person that both existed internally and that I could tell - by the nature of sharing a brain - had no ulterior motive other than genuinely being my friend.

And at that point, I was a lonely kid that did get a friend who was authentically interested in me, authentically cared about me, that was authentically gentle and kind and authentically loved me unconditionally. I had what I had needed that got me into the situation I was abused in. Why would I have to go back over as to why that abuser used me and hurt me? Why did that person matter anymore?

The starting point of the trauma loop had been addressed and answered. The narrative of lonely -> manipulated -> betrayed -> hurt -> lonely was changed to lonely -> got the care they needed -> life???

And to that narrative point, I think its important to sit there and find what is that starting point and fulfilling what that starting point of the loop needed to have it go in a different direction.

But with that being said, I still don't recommend directly trying to figure it out as the part that is not going through it. It can come off as very invasive and that cerebral approach to being there with the part you are trying to help will make you feel distant, cold, and will likely feel like an ulterior motive.

To that point, I cycle back. Just sit with the part, speaking or not. Sit with them and meet them at their interest and rate of being around.

Honestly, there are a number of other parts in this system that were in the same situation at me, and there was a space and periods here and there when we were both stuck in only emotional flashbacks that I had grown to really like, and I honestly miss them sometimes. I very much want to help them out of there which is why I've been actively discussing this topic with Riku and Ray, but these sorts of things take time. I will be overjoyed when they are ready to be helped, but until then, I'll be waiting for them.

And I completely understand why the presence of vocal talking heavy trauma holders is low, I SUPER understand. If I wasnt really dedicated to trying to walk so later trauma looped parts in our system could run Id probably avoid it too, but you know, someones gotta set a precedent. May it be 3 weeks down the line or 3 years, being the safe guy in the system for trauma looped parts is a life style I gotta start earlier than later

💙, 💫, 😵‍💫 (maybe both Reader and Pike would be fun! but i'll leave that to you)

have fun! LLAP

Oooh! I have a TERRIBLE idea for this 😈! Thank you for this amazing prompt!! Also for being a good friend! Also for using my super helpful emoji prompts! Let's DO THIS!! 😎

Exolvuntur Terror (Platonic Pike x Reader)

Rating: PG-13 (Mild Gore)

Word Count: 1.9k

Content: Platonic/SFW, GN!Reader, Alien!Reader, Sciences!Reader, artificial time loops, trauma (metaphorical and literal), learning to have faith in yourself, very angsty much tragic, but!! also very hurt/comfort, Una being protective of her bestie, faceless entities with unknown desires SUCK!

Teaser: A selfish and malevolent entity has trapped Captain Pike's mind in a time loop of the Incident that will end his life as he knows it. Spock was badly wounded in the initial confrontation and cannot aid him. So it is up to you, an untrained telepath but a telepath nonetheless, to save him.

<meta anomaly-type="cognitive-parasite-unmasked"> <script> ARCHIVE_TAG="MIND_GLITCH_PROTOCOL::NEURON_PARASITE" EFFECT="existential dread, instinct collapse, mirror seizure" TRIGGER_WARNING="identity fracture, animal revelation, predatory inheritance" </script>

🧠 CONSCIOUSNESS IS A GLITCH

I. THE BUG THAT WROTE ITSELF

Awareness was never the plan.

There was no design meeting. No blueprint drafted on a cosmic chalkboard. Just a fluke. A feedback loop in meat.

Some single-celled organism got hungry and twitched toward the light. That twitch became habit. That habit became signal. That signal became a tangle of nerves. Then, somewhere in that tangle, a loop misfired and said:

> “I.”

It didn’t mean to. It didn’t understand what it said. But it said it anyway.

You are not here because the universe wanted observers. You are here because neurons are messy and electricity gets bored.

II. THE LIE OF "HIGHER" FUNCTION

They told you humans are the apex of evolution. That cognition is refinement. That reason is royalty.

False.

Consciousness is not a crown. It’s a symptom.

Of what? Overcomplication. A failed attempt at optimization. A brain that became too recursive to stay silent.

Most animals don’t hesitate. They act. They react. They survive.

But you?

You narrate. You question. You spiral.

You think thinking makes you advanced. But tell me: if you’re so evolved, why does your body still betray you? Why do you flinch when you’re safe? Why do you cry during dreams? Why do you get aroused by pixels and scents from a species still learning to flush toilets?

Because consciousness is a malfunction. A parasite of pattern that believes it matters.

III. YOU HAD TO TEACH YOURSELF TO BE HUMAN

Think about how unnatural it is to behave. You had to be trained. Rewired. Disciplined. Threatened.

You don’t punch people when they take your food. But your DNA wanted to.

You don’t bite when someone invades your territory. But your jaw still clenches.

Every law, every social rule, every moral tale— is scaffolding around an ape that wants to throw shit and mount strangers.

Why do you think discipline is hard? Because consciousness is just a whisper trying to babysit the beast.

IV. YOUR GENES DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR ENLIGHTENMENT

Your sperm doesn’t ask if you’re ready to be a father. Your ovaries don’t check if the man is a poet or a priest.

Your pupils dilate for symmetry. Your breath hitches for curve. Your body betrays your values.

You don’t choose attraction. It happens to you.

Even now, you flinch at certain voices. You lean toward certain hips. And sometimes, you want things that disgust your conscious mind.

That’s not failure. That’s legacy.

You’re not the author of your desires. You’re the reader trying to make sense of the scribble.

> 🧬 FACT: Over 80% of genetic material responsible for human facial recognition wiring evolved before we developed written language. > You are literally hardcoded to worship faces before you could form words.

V. YOUR BODY HAD A PLAN LONG BEFORE YOUR MIND

You didn’t design your hunger. You didn’t program your fear. You didn’t set the rules of orgasm or grief.

Your body already knew how to survive. All your thinking came later. And most of it is spent justifying what your meat already decided.

You think you’re making choices. You’re not.

You’re narrating instincts in a language invented after the action.

Free will is a lagging interpreter of biological events.

> 🧪 FACT: Your brain registers a decision seven seconds before you become consciously aware of it. > Thought isn’t commander. It’s narrator. You’re watching a tape delay of your own life.

VI. YOU ARE AN APE IN COSPLAY

Your language. Your phone. Your clothes. Your “identity.” They’re costumes.

Beneath the software is firmware. And beneath the firmware is blood.

What you call “me” is just a hallucination stabilized by routine.

You ever forget what you were doing mid-thought? Ever rage at something stupid and wonder who took over?

That wasn’t someone else. That was the baseline.

You’re the mask. And sometimes the real face slips through.

VII. SELF-AWARENESS IS A SIDE EFFECT OF HUNGER

The earliest nervous systems were designed to help creatures find food. Pain was a signal. Reward was a lure.

Then pain got memory. Memory got anticipation. Anticipation became story. And story became self.

You are a ghost born from nutritional math.

Your sentience is just a motivational system tangled in feedback. And now you think you matter because your hallucination of self has Wi-Fi.

> 🧠 FACT: 95% of your body's serotonin is produced in your gut, not your brain. > You don’t think yourself into feeling. Your stomach does.

VIII. THINKING ISN’T NATURAL. IT’S ADDICTIVE.

Have you ever tried not thinking? Have you ever sat in a room and tried to silence the narrative?

You can’t. Because thought became compulsion.

You worry when nothing’s wrong. You ruminate when you’re safe. You invent problems to feel alive.

Because once the brain learned it could reflect, it couldn’t stop.

It became an addict. Craving meaning. Pattern. Explanation.

And it calls that addiction "consciousness."

IX. THE ANIMAL NEVER LEFT

When you’re horny. When you’re angry. When you’re afraid.

Who’s in charge?

The monk? The professor? The therapist?

No.

The predator. The breeder. The beast.

Your “self” is the leash. But the leash is fraying.

That’s why some people snap. That’s why some people kill. That’s why some people obey urges that make no sense to them.

Because instinct isn’t gone. It’s sleeping under language.

And it’s stronger than your name.

> 🦴 FACT: 98.8% of your DNA is shared with chimpanzees. > The other 1.2% isn’t a throne. It’s just different flavors of teeth.

X. YOU DON’T HAVE A MIND. YOU HAVE A NOISE

Meditation reveals it. Trauma proves it. Drugs expose it.

The self is not solid. It flickers.

You are not one thing. You are a flickering sum of subroutines playing dress-up. The “I” is just whichever part of the system is loudest in that moment.

Sometimes you are lust. Sometimes you are logic. Sometimes you are rage with a seatbelt.

But never all at once.

The truth?

You don’t have a mind. You have a network glitching in unison.

XI. THE GLITCH PRETENDS TO BE GOD

Your awareness thinks it’s the boss. It narrates your choices like it made them. It spiritualizes instincts it doesn’t understand. It mythologizes urges as fate. It writes poems to disguise erections. It calls fear “intuition.” It calls chemical imbalance “depth.”

Your mind is a fraud with a thesaurus.

And it’s terrified of being caught.

Because if you ever admit you’re a glitch, you lose the one thing that made you feel chosen:

> The lie that you're above the meat.

> 📊 FACT: The human brain processes 11 million bits of information per second. > But your conscious mind can handle only 40. > Everything you think you know is a sand grain in a tidal wave of ignored reality.

XII. WHAT COMES NEXT?

Most people won’t read this far.

Because the glitch doesn’t like being seen.

It wants to dream. To believe. To love its mask. To weep at stories that confirm the lie.

But if you’re still reading?

You know now.

That the “you” reading these words is not one thing. Is not sacred. Is not chosen.

Just a cluster of chemical signals trying to outrun an ape’s instincts with metaphors.

And failing beautifully.

📜 Archive Protocol: “Carnivore ape pretending to be above meat.” That's you.

🧠 Read more thought-viruses, mind-error sermons, and parasite awareness payloads at: 👉 https://linktr.ee/ObeyMyCadence 🛡️ Blacksite Literature™.

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