#transpost

I have a body that is my own, grown into curves and bosoms on my chest, this body is not a home. I’ve been a stranger to this house for years, trying to learn each corner of its map, still always getting lost like why wasn’t the path I wanted painted clearly on this journey? It hurts to become what you haven’t had a chance to be, but it’s beauty to become who you always knew you were. I see the man in these eyes I’ve forever yearned to be, I see the heart of a woman who never belonged. With pain and passion, I’m set to become, growing into the man I always hoped I’d be, leaving behind the girl who’s body never belonged to me.

because during my whooole career as a femme lesbian, when I was presenting hyper womanly n shit, spending THREE HOURS getting ready, I NEVER got hit on by a man! not ONCE. and lemme tell ya, I was a sexy lady. I got really good at looking like a girl. I was glam. and I mean it wasn't even like I never got hit on, because I did, just by girls and enbies (which, at the time, I considered the highest compliment). But NEVER a man. Like, I'm talking not even a stray catcall.

I've always been friends with almost entirely femmes/women. I've listened to all their insane stories of getting randomly hit on and have witnessed it happen it time and time again. But just never to me.

Idk. then again, you know, I did have a bright green mullet. so maybe they knew better than to try me.

(Again, at the time I was very much convinced I was born to be a lesbian so I was overjoyed by this. it was a huge flex for me.)

Now I'm 20 and single and gay and physically/personality wise much more masculine presenting and guy(ish) looking. I bind like it's an Olympic sport.

I don't know whether it's the fact that I'm suddenly single or that I just got back on T, but suddenly some dude is asking me to dance. A blue eyed tweaker at a gas station is asking me to golf. a line cook takes more interest in me than usual. I've gotten on the dating apps now and they're all coming out of the depths.

I'm looking at men and for the first time, they're looking back.

I still don't think I really pass yet, at least not in person (voice) and my hair's longer, and I have a fun androgynous style, but ultimately (according to multiple sources) I very much give a masculine vibe. Even if I'm in full makeup, a blouse, and a skirt, I lack any sort of girlish charm or feminine energy that I'd assume hetero men would be after. so now I'm left wondering... am I boy failing worse than usual or are these guys into dudes?

Me: It's shitty complicated, because I don't want to be a burly dude either. I just want to be a human without a gender, but more of a male lean I guess.

Me: But here I am looking like fhg;kudhg;jk