#bulbpost

my old therapist told me to expect this after i leave. that it happens sometimes. and yet when i go back home and i see glimpses into the dynamic between my mother and my brother i feel bittersweet. why is she better only now, after i left? how come me begging for years to be understood didn't convince her but somehow me leaving did? and even now, we're only on good terms as long as i dont speak of myself too much around her. it's all conditional still, but she's learned to contain it.

and sometimes i wonder if her love for my brother is also conditional and i just cant tell from the surface. or if she geniuenly loves him more just because he's not queer. or if she loves him out of fear of losing him like she lost me.

and i wonder if in time he became bitter towards me. and if he is now more loyal to my mother than he was to me. if he goes back to her and tells her everything we talked about the same way we used to tell her about what we talked about when we went over to dad's house for the weekend. i wonder if he remembers the bad days or if his mind is still protecting him from the memories

i told him once that the only thing that will ever keep me away from him is his word. if he asks me to cut ties with him i will without question. but every night i fear someday it might be true. every night i fear i made him feel as alone as we both felt when our father left. if he feels betrayed by me for leaving him behind. if he feels angry that even though i left i still come back to ask for money, because I didn't have the patience to save up first. but no amount of saving up would have helped me honestly